If I could tell you about all the trauma I've gone, it'd be enough to fill a book! Anyways, I've been having empathy issues with my sister and mother. My mom is scuicidal ever since I've been a child and I tried to rescue her several times but the doctors told me that I needed proof of her being scucidal so I could never help her. One the other hand, she has abused me and my sister and continues to do things to hurt us. About a few years ago, I found out the truth of why my childhood dog had a broken leg and that was because she told my sister that she thew him down the stairs and she lied to me telling me that he accidentally fell down the stair while she was trying to go downstairs. So I don't trust my mom and I don't want to be around her.

So my sister is in the same boat with me like mom but it's complicated. I trusted her at one point and wanted to help her escape from mom's place to a school cause my mother was kicking her out and calling the police on her as a missing child and even got her on probation because she wanted her to "fear" her. But my sister (I'm gonna call her Sam) said that she feared that she would get into fights so she never went to this vocational school I was going to. Years passed and things were getting worse. I was able to move out of state and got a home so I neverr had to go back to living with my mother. But even though I was thousands of miles, I felt like I was still at home. Sam kept telling me how mom and her roomates were doing bad things to her and how she kept getting kicked out of homes, even at mom's house when she got tired of being around her. And it would make me mad and I would sugguest her to take this tech class that I was in and that it paid well but she wasn't intersted.

So one day, she moved to another state and she kinda hated it there but she had a home and she had a dog at the time and then my mom came to live with her and Sam said she could stay there while she worked and when she came back, mom put her dog in the pound and said she was scared of the dog. I got so mad at mom, that I told her she shouldn't have treated Sam like that and come to her home knowing that she was afraid of her dog.

Stuff with my sister and mom kept going for a long time. It was starting to to feel like I was talking to the same person sometimes cause my sister started doing things that mom would do. Sam started calling me names and when I told her I was getting off the phone cause she kept calling me names, she blew up my phone and started calling me even more names and told me I couldn't talk to her for 30 days. and she didn't call me for several months. My birthday went by and she didn't even tell me happy birthday. The only time she called me was when I was one month from going back home to visit the family and she said that I needed to make up my mind and choose either I would be in her life or not. I told her that I would do it when I got in town. So I go home and I'm at my aunt's house and my sister shows up and asks me what I was going to do and I told her not to worry about it. But then things escalated even more from then on. She didn't give me clear answers to things and kept redirecting the questions to me. I got upset with her on the last day and yelled at her that I was sick of her shit before she dropped me off at the airport. And I felt bad and apologized but I started to not trust her and started feeling confused about her. Like if she was really listening to me.

Long story short, there was always bad stuff happeneing with her. Her guyfriends would kick her out, our grandmother kicked her out and she would still go to mom's house everynow and then but mom would call the police on Sam for drinking and smoking (even though mom had been drinking and smoking in front of us ever since we were kids). And I felt helpless for Sam cause there was nothing she was intersted in doing to get out of these situations. Nothing I said or sugguested was helping but she continued to tell me about bad things happening to her and told me to keep them as a secret. I usually would feel honored to hold a secret but I was holding alot of secrets. She told me that people were doing bad things to her but didn't want me to confront them. and this was making me feel like I was losing my mind. I felt emotionally exhausted cause I was the only person she and mom wanted to talk me about the bad stuff but at the same time they also called me a "psychopath" and a "demonic bitch". If I am those things, then why do they keep coming back to me? And I feel like I'm the only one who goes to a therapist when they make me feel terrible. To be honest, I used to be problematic as well but I went to therapy to become a better person and I started to feel like I needed a year away from all the drama. I told mom and Sam that I needed time away so I wouldn't do hurtful things anymore or get overemotional. and time and time again they would call me, text me, email me when I wasn't ready to talk. Sam called me 3 times last december and when I a told her she needed to respect my privacy, she hung up on me mid-way. And mom would email me these long letters about how I'm going to hell and how she prays for god to let me go even though I told her not to tell me that I'm going to hell.

So this year, I tried to establish the boundary and they both started calling me around my birthday. Sam was upset and mom told me she "might not be alive" in six days. Sam asked me if I was going to be in her life or not and that she was hurt by me but I got angry and told her what about the time she hung up on me when I was telling her about my boundaries and she told me that was a long time ago and to get over it. and I told her she couldn't tell me how to feel and I got off the phone. I was mad cause they won't leave me alone but I kept telling them that I needed time away. Time passed for a bit, and mom was still emailing me and I ignored her and Sam text me this long paragraph that was a little illegible but from what I could make from it, two guys she knew did something bad to her and that she wished I wasn't mind blocking her and she wanted to talk to me about what happened becasue she doesn't trust anyone and that if I really loved her I would listen to what she had to say and she didn't want me to jump into anything cause she's not willing to give up names or addresses. And I was hesitant to speak cause I didn't know what to say and I was working so I left her a message yesterday. I apologized what had happened to her and told her I could help her find a therapist if she wanted to.

So she calls me and I feel I'm gonna have to brace myself and I answer. I asked her if she was okay and she said no and that she got raped and that I didn't want to talk to her and some other things. I told her that I was kinda busy and that there could be a counselor that could be better at helping her and she screamed that I didn't love her and screamed at me again and hung up the phone. I probably should have just listened to her but my gut doesn't trust her and that's fucked up. Sometimes I feel like she just wants to get back at me and make me feel bad but I know that's not true but I feel that way. And I kept telling them that I'm not distancing to hurt them but to heal and be a better person but I'm always the one that continues to hurt them even when I'm not trying to. It's making me feel jaded. How can I help someone when I'm feeling desensitized about all the bad things. I can't even talk to my family about it cause they don't want to be involved in it and tell me that Sam and I are sisters and aren't supposed to fight.

I feel like a terrible sister casue I'm not even phased by it anymore. I know bad things happen to people all the time. I kinda blame it on mom for not being emotionally invested in our well-being and using us as her emotional support instead of supporting us. We didn't come out fine out of all the stuff we've been through but because I was so close to Sam, I wanted to protect her but I can't do that and be her emotional support. And I'm tired of them telling me to pick a side! Mom keeps telling me I'm either on her side or the family's and at one point she came back to the family and then left them and told me that "I can have my family back". I don't know what to say about it anymore. I'm confused and I wish I could be at least in my sister's life again  but I also kinda don't? And I don't feel like they respect me as a person? I just had to get it off of my chest cause I would like to seek a therapist but I don't have therapist money.