I met my best friend at 13 and her friendship became the most important thing in my life, and now at nearly 30 that hasn't changed. I am generally very laid back and accommodating and she is bossy and assertive, which at first which was why we got on so well. However, as time has passed, particularly in the last few years since I lost my mum and as other significant people have exited our lives (broken up with boyfriends, other friends moved away etc) and we have been left with pretty much just each other, the level of control she has over me has become disabling.

I have some other friends mainly through work, but I have to keep them at arms length so they do not see the reality of my situation. I often have to let them down due to her, and I feel horribly guilty about it. However, I feel entirely unable to deny her wishes. 

Over time,  all the times I have let her down due to me being unable to live up to her expectations of me have built up in her more and more resentment against me. This caused more and more arguments, in which at their worst point she would sometimes hit me. She hasn't done that in a long time as she is very big on self improvement and obviously realised that was wrong, but the fear of that will never leave me. 

She believes all our problems are my fault. It's OK for her to be raging angry at me, scream at me, call me every name under the sun and attack my character to  break me down to nothing, becuase I have made her angry, so it is my fault. Due to this fear of provoking her anger, and the subconscious need I must have developed as a teenager to please her in order to win her approval, I do everything I can to keep her happy. I am at her beck and call, I would let anyone else down to keep her happy, including and especially myself. 

I have been in and out of therapy for years due to her beliving I need to fix my issues in order for us to have a healthy relationship. I was in denial about these issues for a long time so it never really helped, but my current therapist picked up on it pretty quickly and said to me in our second session, 'if you were a minor I would have to get the authorities involved becuase you are being emotionally abused'. That really hit home and we have been working together since to try and build up my confidence to walk away from the friendship. 

My problem is, no matter how many therapy sessions I have, no matter how many articles I read and even no matter how many times I tell myself how much happier I would be, I cannot seem to overcome to fear of walking away from the friendship. She has given me a million opportunities in arguments saying she doesn't want to be my friend any more becuase of how badly I treat her, and yet every time, I talk her down. Even though I know how unhealthy it is for the both of us, even though it is destroying me.

A few weeks back after a particularly bad argument I just sat in my car alone for hours and broke down. I even put a plastic bag over my head, I didn't want to go on. I try not to think about it becuase it overwhelms me, this thought that I can't get away, that she will have unreliquishing control over me forever, terrifies me. When I take a step back I think it sounds pathetic and ridiculous, people walk away from partners who beat them, who have kids together, and I can't leave a friendship? This is why I can't talk to people in my normal life about this as feel like they won't understand. You let a friend have this much control over you? Just tell her to sod off or don't be friends with her, why do you let her control you? But it's developed from years of manipulation and beating me down to the point where I believe her very low opinion of me. 

The reason I am posting here is becuase as I say, I cannot seem to find it in me to walk away, no matter how bad things get. My therapist thinks I'm afraid of life without her, but to me that looks like heaven, to be free, to live the life I want and do what I want, when I want. But I am afraid she won't let me go. How can I cut that emotional tie that's made of solid metal? And despite everything I don't want to let her down, I don't want to hurt her. I never put myself before her on tiny things,  so how I can do it in the biggest way possible and remove myself from her life?  So I am hoping perhaps there is someone out there who has done it, who knows how to do it, who can tell me how they did. Put my own problem into perspective.

I'm sorry this was so long.