Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello everyone:
I am a mother of an emotionally abused daughter. I have been going through an agonizing experience of gradual estrangement from my 21 y.o. daughter for 2 1/2 years.
I just found out my daughter got engaged to her boyfriend. The estrangement process started when she moved in with this young man right after her high school graduation. It has been the most horrible, painful thing I have ever experienced. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact this is actually happening. We were so close and I was looking forward to the adult she was becoming and the relationship we would have as she got older. She was the daughter I always dreamed of: loving, creative, funny, sensitive. I miss her so so much.....it is hard to breathe sometimes.
Since my daughter isn't communicating with me or her father I learned of her engagement from my niece. She forwarded photos from Facebook of estranged daughter's ring, engagement photo, etc. I feel like it is the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. Like this is it - he has forced her to choose us or him and it is him. It is such a long story about all that happened to lead up to this point. I guess the main thing to know is my daughter had a good childhood & upbringing, we were close as a family until she moved out with this man. We actually really liked her boyfriend the first year we knew him. Treated my daughter well, respectful to us, in college & had a good job. They were possessive of each other & texting constantly when not together but I figured that was within normal behavior for a first serious love relationship. Signs of an abusive relationship started showing after she moved out & we pointed this out to her: he was isolating her from friends & family, we saw firsthand verbal abuse (shouting, swearing) from him directed towards me and in another incident towards a family member. She seemed very uneasy being around us even when he wasn't around, which wasn't often. He rarely let her come over to our home alone. We were very worried and still are obviously. I don't think she is being physically abused but I know she is being emotionally abused and she has even said to me that his dad & brother have similar anger/control issues. There have been conversations when she has broken down crying & she said she just doesn't know what to do but then she goes back to him.
He has forced her to choose between him & her family & friends & she has chosen him. She does not communicate with any family/friends that I know of. Maybe a little with a couple cousins.
The last exchange we had with her was a text from her (out of the blue):
"I choose Jack, you guys can't change my mind. And since you can't accept the man I want to be with i can't accept you guys in my life. End of story".
I texted back:
"If you have to turn your back on everyone that has loved you & cared for you since your were born - what does that tell you about that relationship?? Dad & I only wish you happiness & we accept Jack is a huge part of your life. We wish there could be a way for you to have your family in your life also. We don't expect you to choose one or the other. You & Jack are welcome here anytime. No matter what you choose to do we will always love you & be here for you".
I am sorry this is such a long post. I have tried to summarize the best I can. I am so worried about my daughter & feel so incredibly helpless. I guess the reason I am posting this here is to try to understand what she is going through and how to help her if there is any way I can. I text her occasionally just to say I am thinking of her & love her. I feel like the more I try to stay in contact the more she pushes me away. And I am worried that is making her life even harder. I can't imagine the anxiety she is going through. Family and friends have always been so important to her. She was always an anxious, sensitive person anyway & hates conflict. And now she is going to marry the psychotic control freak!!
Anyway if you read this far thank-you. I appreciate it and if nothing else it helps a little to vent.
I am a mother of an emotionally abused daughter. I have been going through an agonizing experience of gradual estrangement from my 21 y.o. daughter for 2 1/2 years.
I just found out my daughter got engaged to her boyfriend. The estrangement process started when she moved in with this young man right after her high school graduation. It has been the most horrible, painful thing I have ever experienced. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact this is actually happening. We were so close and I was looking forward to the adult she was becoming and the relationship we would have as she got older. She was the daughter I always dreamed of: loving, creative, funny, sensitive. I miss her so so much.....it is hard to breathe sometimes.
Since my daughter isn't communicating with me or her father I learned of her engagement from my niece. She forwarded photos from Facebook of estranged daughter's ring, engagement photo, etc. I feel like it is the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. Like this is it - he has forced her to choose us or him and it is him. It is such a long story about all that happened to lead up to this point. I guess the main thing to know is my daughter had a good childhood & upbringing, we were close as a family until she moved out with this man. We actually really liked her boyfriend the first year we knew him. Treated my daughter well, respectful to us, in college & had a good job. They were possessive of each other & texting constantly when not together but I figured that was within normal behavior for a first serious love relationship. Signs of an abusive relationship started showing after she moved out & we pointed this out to her: he was isolating her from friends & family, we saw firsthand verbal abuse (shouting, swearing) from him directed towards me and in another incident towards a family member. She seemed very uneasy being around us even when he wasn't around, which wasn't often. He rarely let her come over to our home alone. We were very worried and still are obviously. I don't think she is being physically abused but I know she is being emotionally abused and she has even said to me that his dad & brother have similar anger/control issues. There have been conversations when she has broken down crying & she said she just doesn't know what to do but then she goes back to him.
He has forced her to choose between him & her family & friends & she has chosen him. She does not communicate with any family/friends that I know of. Maybe a little with a couple cousins.
The last exchange we had with her was a text from her (out of the blue):
"I choose Jack, you guys can't change my mind. And since you can't accept the man I want to be with i can't accept you guys in my life. End of story".
I texted back:
"If you have to turn your back on everyone that has loved you & cared for you since your were born - what does that tell you about that relationship?? Dad & I only wish you happiness & we accept Jack is a huge part of your life. We wish there could be a way for you to have your family in your life also. We don't expect you to choose one or the other. You & Jack are welcome here anytime. No matter what you choose to do we will always love you & be here for you".
I am sorry this is such a long post. I have tried to summarize the best I can. I am so worried about my daughter & feel so incredibly helpless. I guess the reason I am posting this here is to try to understand what she is going through and how to help her if there is any way I can. I text her occasionally just to say I am thinking of her & love her. I feel like the more I try to stay in contact the more she pushes me away. And I am worried that is making her life even harder. I can't imagine the anxiety she is going through. Family and friends have always been so important to her. She was always an anxious, sensitive person anyway & hates conflict. And now she is going to marry the psychotic control freak!!
Anyway if you read this far thank-you. I appreciate it and if nothing else it helps a little to vent.
Her fiance's behavior appears to be classic textbook abuse. Her response is sadly very typical of abuse victims. Abuse can cause changes in the brain & can affect one's ability to see all of the options available to them (even when pointed out) and make healthy decisions.
I wouldn't be surprised if her response to you was done under duress and even scripted by her fiance.
I agree w/clear that you are doing the right thing by letting her know she is loved and you are there for her. I was in a similar situation and I just periodically texted her that I loved her, would always be there for her and that the lines of communication on my end would always be open. I didn't focus on what she was dealing with except if she brought it up. It took a long time, but things are improving and she is now away from her abuser.
Hopefully, on some level, even if its subconscious, she knows you will be there for her. Clear is also correct in that she has to make her own decisions.
I second her suggestion that you contact your local shelter or the National DV hotline http://www.thehotline.org/ for more info and support.
And keep posting here too! This is a great group!
~healing hugs~
I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is every mom's nightmare, myself included. But I believe that you are doing the right thing in what you describe.
Finally, this may be painful, but I also suggest taking a deep look at your daughter's childhood or adolescence and be very honest with yourself. Do you think something traumatic could possibly have happened to her that you were unaware of? Children and teens often don't tell us everything that happens, especially if they are afraid/ashamed and/or if it involves a family friend or relative.
And I think the word you are looking for is alienation. At first, I thought you had put the distance b/c she chose Jack over you.
It must be horrible to go through as a mother.
I'd suggest documenting everything. If she winds up marrying this man, you could help her by keeping records so if it ever goes south, you have helped her by being a 3rd party that's maintained records of all the abuse that she can testify is true. I hate being that negative, but sometimes, you need to see something in a positive and it can at least make you feel like you are doing something...
One piece of advice: never badmouth him or the relationship like you did... it'll only push her farther to him. And I bet he read that text, so now you are the enemy.
As difficult it is, let her go. You can't control it. If you ever DO reach out, do NOT mention anything about her personal life... only light and fluffy stuff like, "can you believe how warm it is today? Hope your'e enjoying the weather." or "did you see that movie? how did you like it?" You don't want to scare her that you're going to go dark on her...
I was involved with a Jack. Literally. The only way I got out was on my own. And the LAST person I wanted to admit it to when I was going through it was my parents, since they were right. I was already shamed by him... I just couldn't bear to admit it to them.
Make sense?
Hugs.
Thank-you for the book recommendations. I am a huge reader so i will check them out. It helps me at least a little to feel like i sort of understand what she is going through.
As far as trauma goes do you mean some sort of sexual abuse or physical abuse by someone? Not that i know of and we were so close even when she was a teen i would think she would have told me. But you never know. Is that usually the case if someone has a relationship as an adult with an abuser?
Deliannem - thank-you for adding your perspective on this. Sadly i think we (me & her dad) have done so many things wrong in an effort to try to warn her about this man and what he is doing to her. But then you always think if we dont say something & she gets hurt & something horrible happens how will we feel if we didnt say anything?? I truly feel so screwed - like there is no way for us to win.
Yes, I was specifically thinking of childhoof or teen sexual abuse.
Is that usually the case if someone has a relationship as an adult with an abuser?
I honestly don't know the statistics well enough to answer. What I have noticed is that on this forum it is very common (seems like more than 90%) for some type of abuse, trauma, or neglect to be in the histories of a people who get drawn into an abusive relationships. On the other hand, that isn't true for everyone. It may be related to low self-esteem. Other reasons are being naive, inexperienced, unable to set boundaries, or simply random chance of running into one of these characters. The typical abuser is described as "Prince Charming" in the beginning, so by the time the victim realizes, they may have already been drawn in so far that they have a very hard time leaving.
Incidentally, I am also very close to my daughter. Yet there are important things that she has not told me until much later. There are multiple reasons why people do not tell about sexual abuse, and too many to list here...shame, fear of retaliation, fear of being called a "liar", protecting the abuser from harm (when there is an emotional attachment), feeling to blame, not having words to say it (not knowing sometimes what it is), being unwilling to talk about it, etc.