Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I could really use some advice. Anyone go through this or going through this can tell me if there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel? I really appreciate any advice.
I have been with my husband for 20 years. We met when we were 16. He was my first serious boyfriend and my first everything but kiss. I grew up with self confidence issues to say the least and I felt valuable when I received approval from others. My father cheated on my mother, etc. etc.
When my husband and I were dating pretty much from the first months, there always seemed to be another girl that he always was sure to point out liked him all the while not doing anything to make me feel secure and that I had nothing to worry about. This continued throughout the years. I also struggled with my weight (I was never obese and people would tell me I am beautiful but I never believed it, afterall my husband treating me like a trashy fat pig), he was always a critic of me, always telling me I needed to lose weight. Never made me feel like he loved me for who I was but rather made me feel like what I looked like mattered most. Always made me feel replaceable. When I would try to express how I felt he always made me feel like I was crazy and didn't know wat I was talking about. He was very materialistic and narcissistic.
As the years went on my self worth, self esteem and confidence dwindled more and more. I never did things for myself, I never went out with friends, never had me time, never did anything for myself. I would beg, plead, pray, talk, cry, fight, yell, anything to try to get him to realize how I felt and how he made me feel and what I needed from him. He would always make me feel crazy and would never really do anything. He would change for a little and always go righ back to himself. I threatened divorce many times, he always came running after me telling me that was not what he wanted but didn't know what to say or do about my unhappiness. As time went on I just gave up. I figured it would do no good. We hav two small kids (8 & 3) I had no where to go, afterall I felt this was my life and I wouldn't find better and I didn't want to ruin my kids. He is actually a good dad.
It has been a year since I gave up. I finally started to do my own thing and met someone. It was simply just a friend to talk to. The more we talked the more we realized we had in common. He understood me, he made me feel important, valued, made me feel like I mattered for what is on the inside of my heart and my mind. He made me realize I have value and its not how I look. He gave me the courage to stand up for myself. We developed very strong feelings for one another.
I approached my husband and told him I couldn't do this anymore. It was at that time that he apparently had an "epiphany" and is a changed man. He told me that for months he has been soul searching because he didn't like the place he was in and realized that he didn't want to live like this anymore. He owned up to his abuse and said he didn't want to lose me. He told me he is sorry....
It is very hard for me to believe him. Most of me doesn't care, I gave up. But I have 2 kids. I have no desire to work on things with him, I gave up. I feel so judged by everyone because I don't want to work on things and everyone sees a changed man. I am not convinced he is a changed man, he still says things that make me think he is reverting back slowly but he tells me I take things to literally, that I am just looking at what he says negatively. He said to me during a light conversation that "A judge would not give an emotionally unstable mother her children". Then when i told him how i felt about it he told me i took it wrong. How do you take that coment wrong? I have not found one person who sees that as a joke?
Am I crazy? Am I wrong for how I feel? Should I feel guity? Am I being selfish?
Thank you for reading my story.
I have been with my husband for 20 years. We met when we were 16. He was my first serious boyfriend and my first everything but kiss. I grew up with self confidence issues to say the least and I felt valuable when I received approval from others. My father cheated on my mother, etc. etc.
When my husband and I were dating pretty much from the first months, there always seemed to be another girl that he always was sure to point out liked him all the while not doing anything to make me feel secure and that I had nothing to worry about. This continued throughout the years. I also struggled with my weight (I was never obese and people would tell me I am beautiful but I never believed it, afterall my husband treating me like a trashy fat pig), he was always a critic of me, always telling me I needed to lose weight. Never made me feel like he loved me for who I was but rather made me feel like what I looked like mattered most. Always made me feel replaceable. When I would try to express how I felt he always made me feel like I was crazy and didn't know wat I was talking about. He was very materialistic and narcissistic.
As the years went on my self worth, self esteem and confidence dwindled more and more. I never did things for myself, I never went out with friends, never had me time, never did anything for myself. I would beg, plead, pray, talk, cry, fight, yell, anything to try to get him to realize how I felt and how he made me feel and what I needed from him. He would always make me feel crazy and would never really do anything. He would change for a little and always go righ back to himself. I threatened divorce many times, he always came running after me telling me that was not what he wanted but didn't know what to say or do about my unhappiness. As time went on I just gave up. I figured it would do no good. We hav two small kids (8 & 3) I had no where to go, afterall I felt this was my life and I wouldn't find better and I didn't want to ruin my kids. He is actually a good dad.
It has been a year since I gave up. I finally started to do my own thing and met someone. It was simply just a friend to talk to. The more we talked the more we realized we had in common. He understood me, he made me feel important, valued, made me feel like I mattered for what is on the inside of my heart and my mind. He made me realize I have value and its not how I look. He gave me the courage to stand up for myself. We developed very strong feelings for one another.
I approached my husband and told him I couldn't do this anymore. It was at that time that he apparently had an "epiphany" and is a changed man. He told me that for months he has been soul searching because he didn't like the place he was in and realized that he didn't want to live like this anymore. He owned up to his abuse and said he didn't want to lose me. He told me he is sorry....
It is very hard for me to believe him. Most of me doesn't care, I gave up. But I have 2 kids. I have no desire to work on things with him, I gave up. I feel so judged by everyone because I don't want to work on things and everyone sees a changed man. I am not convinced he is a changed man, he still says things that make me think he is reverting back slowly but he tells me I take things to literally, that I am just looking at what he says negatively. He said to me during a light conversation that "A judge would not give an emotionally unstable mother her children". Then when i told him how i felt about it he told me i took it wrong. How do you take that coment wrong? I have not found one person who sees that as a joke?
Am I crazy? Am I wrong for how I feel? Should I feel guity? Am I being selfish?
Thank you for reading my story.
NO!
Am I wrong for how I feel?
NO!!!!!!!!!!
Should I feel guity?
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am I being selfish?
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be confused.
Go out and
CLAIM YOUR LIFE.
Get connected with you
nearest women's center.
Use their resources.
They will help you
sort stuff out.
You are entitled
to a life that's
FREE OF ABUSE.
LOVE YOURSELF.
CLAIM YOUR LIFE.
Take care of yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, for the record, an abuser is NOT a "good dad". He is teaching your kids that women have no value beyond their physical appearance, that women are undeserving of any form of respect, and that "true love" is about men abusing women. That's not good parenting.
And the threat about the kids - also typical abuser. My ex had me so low that I was suicidal, I got into counselling for my depression. And he told me that he would get custody because I was unstable and that no court in the land would ever allow a woman who had threatened suicide to look after a child. Well, 5 years later, guess who has the kid - who is doing really well, as am I.
There is a way out, trust yourself, trust your gut - you know he hasn't really changed, and even if he has, it's too late. That's his fault, not yours. Not like your being unhappy with how you're treated has come out of the blue. The only thing that's come out of the blue for him is your having the wherewithal to really look like you might do something about it.
It is funny because for years we would go to church but I knew he wasn't fully into it. But now, everything is for him is centered by god. He wants a christian counselor, he is reading christian self help books.
He told me he wants to spend his life building me up because of what he did to me. However, just this weekend he told me that no one will ever love me as much as he loves me and that even if I found someone that made me feel on top of the world I don't know what they are doing behind my back but that he guessed it didn't matter as long as I felt on top of the world. Of course I took that as him saying that I was not able to be loved by anyone else and I told him that and he said "that is not what i said, i was trying to tell you the grass is not always greener on the other side and again that I only look at the negative".
I sometimes feel like he is manipulating me. I have so much pressure and stress from my family that I am not being fair by not giving it my all because they think that I will be sorry in a few months if I just end it. This stresses me out because I am so worried about everyones approval that I am second guessing myself and my decisions to the point that I don't know what I want. Is this normal?
You are right about the "good dad" part. I did address that with him many times during my pleads for him to change. Aside from that big issue he does love his children with all of his heart is what I meant.
You said you are 5 years out, did your ex do any of this to you in the end? If you don't mind me asking is your child young? How did they handle the divorce and adjustment?
Thank you!!!!!! Sorry for the novel.
He wants you to "just" see the positive so you don't notice any of his negative behaviours. That "nobody will ever love you" like - what he's saying with that is "you don't know how good you have it with me, but you are too stupid to even understand". Which is a CROCK designed to keep you trapped and afraid of any possible future without him. If my ex ever said that to me now, that nobody would ever love me like he did? I'd say "great! The LAST thing I want in my life is someone who "loves" me so much they want to destroy me".
If you feel he is manipulating you, then trust that feeling. It certainly looks from the outside as though he is, but your gut is the truest sense of what is going on, so trust it.
Every emotion, fear and comment you have made so far is perfectly normal. You are entitled to feel however you feel.
As for me, without going into too much detail here (you can find my basic back story in my journals if you want to), I separated with my ex in Feb 2009, when my son was 13 months old. For various reasons, he's had no contact with his father since October 2009. He is now 5 years old, a healthy, confident and generally happy little boy. He asks sometimes about his father, but he's not overly bothered - he knows he has one parent who loves him unconditionally.
As for how he handled the transition ... one little story will give an idea. When he was first born, my boy was not a bad sleeper. But over time, it got harder and harder to get him to sleep (not being allowed to have much of a routine for him didn't help). By the time he was a year old, the only way I could get him to sleep was to hold him in my arms until he was well asleep (could sometimes take as much as 2 or 3 hours) and then it was an each way bet as to whether I could then put him down, or whether he'd wake and the whole process would start again. I tried EVERYTHING.
Within 2 weeks after my ex left, I could put him in his crib and pat him to sleep. Within 2 weeks after that, I could put him in his crib and he would soothe himself to sleep.
That's how he handled the transition.
And finally, don't apologise for posting whatever you need. You are not holding a gun to anyone's head forcing them to read. Post what you need to. Most of us post/posted a lot when we first joined here, because there are just SO many questions and because, frankly, it just feels incredible to have someone actually understand what you are going through. And we do.
I am just having such a hard time with this situation. I feel so confused. One minute I know I want out and the next minute I have no idea. Everytime my husband talks to me all I see is the negative, even though that is what I think he means. He keeps telling me he is here to support me, build me up, he wants me to go out, have me time, do girls weekends, he said that is all he ever wanted for me.
Below are the comments he just said to me this afternoon. Can anyone tell me if there is any positive in these? He said that it is just how he is feeling right now and that he just wants me to see that he never wanted to be negative and knows he went about it the wrong way by being a critic instead of a supporter but I just feel like because I gave up a year ago its just too late.
* He told me that he resented me in the past for not adding anything or contributing to the relationship other then loving him and supporting him.
* He said I am too sensitive
* Said he was only trying to be real with me and went on to say that all of our friends and family felt the same way and he doesn't understand why no one said anything to me that it had to be him
* He said he never meant to be negative (told me recently that he grew up in a negative household and although that does not make it right that is why he did it)
* He said that I am different now then I was in the past, that I am who he always wanted me to be (Ummmmm, you think its because I am getting the right motivation from someone else???)
*He said that all I did was sit on the couch and watch re-reuns
****I tried to tell him that when I did give input or my opinions he wasn't interested and I just gave up and told him to choose*****
* He said he has had to introduce all the things we got into, into the relationship himself (like cars, trips, etc.)
* He said he is not trying to attack me (because he sensed that I was starting to get defensive) and said he was just trying to point things out to me
*He called me back and said that I should just disregard all that he said because he wants me to know that it was just thoughts he had and didn't really mean it and what he said isn't correct and that I didt contribute a lot to the relationship just not hobbies, etc. He said it was not a correct statement and he was just trying to work through his own thoughts because it was about him and not me and he shouldn't have gotten me involved.
By the way, the other man I met, I met online and he has been nothing but supportive of me and he builds me up when I feel so low. He has made me realize (even though it is hard to accept most of the time) that I do have value and that I am able to be loved for what is on the inside, my heart, my mind. Part of me feels guilty that I continue talking to this person knowing we have feelings for eachother and the other part could care less.
I still don't know who I am, what I want, etc. My therapist told me I need to find myself before I can make a decision on what I want. I am really scared because my husband is all I know. I am scared to be on my own. I am scared I am going to regret my decision like everyone says I will.
Thank you again!!! It feels so good to be able to share my feelings and receive support without feeling judged.
* he resented you for "only" loving and supporting him? What were you supposed to do in the relationship? What did he ask for that you refused him? Why, if love and support is such a little thing, could he not offer those to you as a minimum?
* too sensitive is a CROCK. Sensitivity is a virtue to be cherished, not a flaw to be exploited. You are entitled to be precisely who you are and if you ARE sensitive, a loving partner should appreciate that and work harder to ensure you are not hurt, rather than using it as an excuse to hurt you. It's one of my biggest bugbears, this "too sensitive" bs. They say or do something hurtful, then turn around and say you are only hurt because you are "too sensitive". Rubbish. You are hurt because they said or did something hurtful. End of story. You are NOT "too sensitive", he's too insensitive and cruel.
* "only trying to be real/everyone else thinks the same" is in the same vein as "too sensitive". It's rubbish designed to turn things around and make you responsible for the abuse. It's also designed to isolate you, by saying that everyone around you agrees with him that it's all your fault.
* never meant to be negative ... um ... so what? He was negative and cruel, whether he says he "meant" to be or not. If he drops a teacup and it smashes, does it then go back to being whole as soon as he says "oops, I didn't mean to drop you, teacup"?
* different/who he always wanted you to be - I agree with your point that you are now being supported and encouraged, but it's also a nasty backhander that once again makes you responsible for the abuse. If only you'd been different, he wouldn't need to abuse you. Which is again rubbish.
* the couch thing - just another criticism. Good job on building you up with that one.
* the "he has to introduce" thing, yeah I got that too. They "train" us to never make suggestions by always having them either ridiculed or ignored, then they complain we never make suggestions.
* the just trying to point stuff out is again straight out of the abuser's handbook. So he's allowed to be as cruel and negative as he wants, because he's "just trying to point things out". Doesn't cut it as an excuse for cruelty and blame shifting.
And then he twists it all and says you can forget it. But you can't. And that's the point - he gets a double win, because now you can't even raise any of the things he said that were cruel and blame shifting, because he's "taken it back". But things like that can't be taken back. He's told you what he thinks - that it's all your fault, your lazy, too sensitive and don't contribute, and that you deserve the abuse and negativity. It's there, he's said it, he can't just unsay it.
You do have to make your own choice, do what feels right to you. I can say for myself that, as terrified as I was at leaving my marriage, as afraid as I was that I wouldn't make it on my own, that in particular I couldn't be a single mother, I have not had one moment of regret. And I've found that, while being a single mum isn't always easy and isn't always fun, it IS a lot easier than living with constant abuse and putdowns and criticism and second-guessing and undermining.
Anyone who can survive abuse, can and will thrive without it.
I think this is the hardest stage to be in...when the abuser KNOWS you have put your attention elsewhere and are looking at the "greener grass" on the other side, and so he becomes reasonable, or else nice and/or says the things you want to hear, even though it is often with a negative twist. That is so confusing. AND what is hard is when no one else sees how abusive it is, and you are left looking crazy. I would feel paranoid if I thought others were all thinking this or that about me. I once discovered my H cheating and he said I wasn't pretty enough anymore...had let myself go and he talked to other people about how to tell me about it....
I too always thought he was a good dad and so I would keep us together. Yikes! Now I know that the Narcissist uses the kids ...the relationship changes over time into a kind of love hate thing....weird. Keep reading here and learning what you are dealing with. Nice that you have another friend for support. Best of luck to you.
LIVNDADREM, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! Your support and information validate what I think deep down. He really has me thinking I am over analyzing things to the point that I think I am not giving him a chance. I am trying to trust my gut. I had to have my anxiety and depression medication increased to help me cope because this has all been too much for me.
I think I am finally seeing that maybe I am being manipulated by him. We still sleep in the same bed but have not been intimate, he wants to but I don't. Although he tries and I tell him I have no desire. He is now starting to make small comments to our friends about how "his wife doesn't want him" and told me that "We can still do it, it doesn't have to be about emotions, we can do it just because it feels good".
I am finally getting to the point I think I am finally seeing that a zebra doesn't change his stripes but there is always that part of me that second guesses and I am not sure if it is the fear of being alone or the unknown or what. I still am concerned about my kids, RosieKins, how old are your kids? If you are divorced, how did they handle and are they handling?
Thanks ladies! You are all great!!!!!