Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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stacyleanne 09/22/2011

So I've been having a hard time defining whether what I experienced was abuse or not.

But, is this logical?

I have always been a very calm person, even when arguing with people, however, with "him" I became an angry screamer who would shout and curse during out fights. Is this probably because my mind perceived the abuse and went into a fight or flight mode, the fight being the yelling and screaming.

This is the only concrete thing I can think of and i need to trust that this is right in order to realize he was no good. Otherwise I keep beating myself up and telling myself i was being too dramatic.

Any thoughts?

Livndadrem 09/22/2011

It's not logical, but it is normal. I had a hard time defining whether what I experienced was abuse also - and he was violent. But "only" occasionally so I talked myself into the idea that it wasn't really abuse.

As for why we scream and shout when we ordinarily wouldn't, it may be that fight or flight response. In my case it was also born of sheer frustration, because trying to have a rational conversation with him was just impossible when he wanted to make a point or punish me, or when he was "caught out" doing something wrong. He would use double speak, change the subject, turn it around on me (sometimes in the most illogical ways - my fave being when he told me that if I didn't make such a big deal of him having a mistress, he wouldn't have needed one in the first place), or a bunch of other totally irrational techniques. Or else he'd just pretend I didn't say anything at all. The frustration of this time after time after time ... like chinese water torture ... there were times I simply couldn't contain the frustration any more. So it may be that too - blowing up over one little thing, which just happens to be the straw that broke the camel's back (to mix my metaphors outrageously).

As for what to trust - trust your gut. You know you are not a "drama queen". You know what it was. Trust yourself above all else, especially above someone who would have you believe it was all your fault and that he bears no responsibility for what he has done.

mildred71 09/22/2011

I think your response was very normal. I think it could relate to fight or flight response. If you are in a situation where there is emotional abuse all around you, it would be common to experience fight or flight, and possibly even post traumatic stress syndrom afterwards. Don't blame yourself. Abuse is never your fault. Best Wishes. HUGS.

deleted_user 09/23/2011

I think your response is normal too. In the month before I left, where normally I would be meek, crying, and quieter during our fights I started shouting. I think it was because I finally recognized that something wasn't right and I was angry and frustrated at the same time. It also may be our way of trying to make them see how serious everything and things weren't going to proceed as they were before.

IleneW 09/23/2011

Trust your inner knowing.

If you feel inside that you're being abused,
then you're being abused.

Also, have you tried doing
Ilene's Clarifying Index Card exercise?
It helps make abuse visible and identifyable.
If you haven't tried it, it's here on this forum.
It might help you to validate your feelings.

But regardless . . . . . if you've been hurting
over a period of time, then the relationship
isn't for you, whether or not you want to
call it abusive.

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