Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My ex girlfriend was not
diagnosed with BPD, nor do I think she knows she has it. Maybe she
doesn't but I was wondering if you can give me some insight. I have
no interests in anything anymore. To define me in a nutshell, I am
funny outgoing and confident who just enjoys life but I feel like she
stole that from me. (hopefully just for the time being). I am going
to try and break down what went down in the relationship including
examples of her actions.I hope this isnt too long but I need help or
at least some advice.
Little Background of my ex:
1. Came from a broken family. Her mother was very critical and
jealous of her. Divorced. The mother was emotionally abused by her
father (who was an alcoholic). Ex gf misses her father who now lives
in Cali. They talk sometimes but I know its more her making an
effort. I remember her making a comment that she didn't want to be
"abandoned" or would joke around and be like "everyone always leaves
me" but at the time I didnt think too much of it.
2. When I met my ex, she was cheated on by her past girlfriend. She
would tell me that her ex was a narcissist which I think (now) maybe
really my ex was the narcissist.
Story of how we met:
We met online. I live in NYC and she lived in Maryland at the time.
She is 24 and I am 34 (now). We immediately connected and started
talking for 3 weeks and then she came to visit me. The relationship
was just fun and simple. I knew she had walls from her ex cheating on
her but I am the type to really take things slow so i know she liked
that and she really did start to trust me. She would have occasional
breakdowns and said she wasn't over the fact that she was cheated on.
She also always told me that she could be herself in front of me and
that I was just a "cool" girlfriend. I wouldn't over buy her things
but I did do nice things like get her flowers and do sporadic nice
things for her that ALWAYS would have meaning behind it. But looking
back i really don't think she noticed any of the thought that really
was involved.
We met in May 2013.
December 2013 is when the 1st red flag came: Now I am just going to
list them all from what I can remember.
She used to visit me a lot in NYC and I would go there too. One of the
long weekends she ended up calling out from work. Little did i know
she was calling out more than i knew and she was not asked back for
the following summer. She blamed me for her getting fired (when
really it was her friends who ratted her out for being in NYC with her
new girl)...she texted me "we are done' "You are a psychopath" "i am
so over you" blah blah blah....I was so taken back that I think I
ended up apologizing. I said things would be fine and maybe she could
move to NYC. I even said I would help her pay for the rest of her
school so she can get a job here in NYC (hair stylist). I put
$6,000.00 on my credit card and she just said "thanks" like it was
almost expected of me....but I was in love and wanted her to just be
happy.
After that things were pretty good. We always had fun together. I mean
I wasn't perfect either. I was a little moody at times but mostly bc i
never felt appreciated or loved the way i loved her. When she moved
in ( i went all the way to Maryland to help her) things went downhill
really quickly.
1. I let her live rent free until she got on her feet, cooked her breakfast,
2. I helped her with her resume to find jobs (in which now she works
at a top salon in NYC), got her flowers on her first day and a juicer
that she wanted
3. She cooked maybe once and cleaned maybe once. I would never nag.
It came down to me doing everything in the house. Like everything. She
would leave it a mess, like no respect at all for me or the rent free
house in NYC that she had
4. She became depressed at times and would totally take it out on me
(became distant)
5. She told me (and i could tell) that she hated being around me but
I still have no idea why. I am fun and people generally really really
like me (not to sound cocky)..i just have a really good personality.
My ex was more shy but could carry a convo. Only when we moved in did
i feel her hate towards me in public It was weird.
6. Even when she met friends, i would never give her a hard time. I
wanted that for her.
7. She said she started to feel smothered. Sometimes I felt like I
was losing my mind with her and i would beg her for answers but she
made me feel crazy and turned it around like nothing was wrong and
that i was paranoid. Like I turned into an insecure person in this
relationship. but she made me.
8. I always felt like i was walking on egg shells as i did not know
what mood she would be in. I just always felt like a nuisance in my
own home.
9. She was verbally abusive to me and was physical about 5 times,
especially when I would call her out or tell her that I deserve
better. This happened a lot when alcohol was involved. I did some
name calling myself but only bc i was either provoked or just plain
old confused. I felt insane, lost and confused.
8. We had sex a total of 3 times in the 6 months she lived here.
This I believe was due to the disconnection. We did have good times
living together but like I said hardly.
9. She told me randomly 3 times that i wasnt right for her, that she
was no longer in love with me and id be the perfect gf for someone
else but then would apologize. She said this immediately after she
moved in. I was so freaking confused bc all i ever did in the
relationship was genuine and i truly cared for her. Her saying this
came out of nowhere. So it set the mood for the move in and my
downfall in my self esteem.
10. I paid for everything. I think she bought me a piece of pizza
once. The whole relationship.
11. She ended up moving out bc i went crazy at the end. My mind was
just so fucked up. I did the begging and pleading for her to stay and
she was like dont you want someone that wants you. You deserve better
than me. I dont love you anymore.
12. I tell her not to contact me, she contacted me 2 days after
breakup bc her dog ran away and needed me (she moved into her cousins
place in queens). Of course i went. I said please dont contact me
again bc its too confusing. We didnt talk for 4 days and then she
texted me "hey" I didnt answer and she sent me 4 more texts saying
"i thought we were talking" Im confused. Then said "i thought we
were taking a clean break". She called me at work 2x too so i finally
called back. I gave in again and we spent the whole next weekend
together. Things felt normal but my i wasnt emotionally stable. She
was even cuddly. But then i asked what it was all about and she told
me "stop over analyzing things and pressuring it". This went on for
the next few weeks but i couldnt handle being around her without being
super confused. So basically it came down to her eventually saying "i
can only ever offer you friendship".
Anyways, sorry for the novel. There is so much more i can say but it
will turn into a 300 page novel. haa. I am going to try therapy but
do you think she may have BPD?
1. she has no remorse
2. never acts like she cares (which i think deep down she does)
3. I think she took advantage of me and now she has this whole life in
New York City when we spent a year long distance and i brought her
here and now I am alone.
4. One time we were in the street after a nice night out and then she
randomly kept slapping me in the face saying "no one likes me" youre
a loser...i started crying and she was like "look at you crying in the
streets of the city" loser loser" then woke up the next morning and
didnt remember. I slept on couch and I FORGAVE her..ugh. oh man i
can go on.
diagnosed with BPD, nor do I think she knows she has it. Maybe she
doesn't but I was wondering if you can give me some insight. I have
no interests in anything anymore. To define me in a nutshell, I am
funny outgoing and confident who just enjoys life but I feel like she
stole that from me. (hopefully just for the time being). I am going
to try and break down what went down in the relationship including
examples of her actions.I hope this isnt too long but I need help or
at least some advice.
Little Background of my ex:
1. Came from a broken family. Her mother was very critical and
jealous of her. Divorced. The mother was emotionally abused by her
father (who was an alcoholic). Ex gf misses her father who now lives
in Cali. They talk sometimes but I know its more her making an
effort. I remember her making a comment that she didn't want to be
"abandoned" or would joke around and be like "everyone always leaves
me" but at the time I didnt think too much of it.
2. When I met my ex, she was cheated on by her past girlfriend. She
would tell me that her ex was a narcissist which I think (now) maybe
really my ex was the narcissist.
Story of how we met:
We met online. I live in NYC and she lived in Maryland at the time.
She is 24 and I am 34 (now). We immediately connected and started
talking for 3 weeks and then she came to visit me. The relationship
was just fun and simple. I knew she had walls from her ex cheating on
her but I am the type to really take things slow so i know she liked
that and she really did start to trust me. She would have occasional
breakdowns and said she wasn't over the fact that she was cheated on.
She also always told me that she could be herself in front of me and
that I was just a "cool" girlfriend. I wouldn't over buy her things
but I did do nice things like get her flowers and do sporadic nice
things for her that ALWAYS would have meaning behind it. But looking
back i really don't think she noticed any of the thought that really
was involved.
We met in May 2013.
December 2013 is when the 1st red flag came: Now I am just going to
list them all from what I can remember.
She used to visit me a lot in NYC and I would go there too. One of the
long weekends she ended up calling out from work. Little did i know
she was calling out more than i knew and she was not asked back for
the following summer. She blamed me for her getting fired (when
really it was her friends who ratted her out for being in NYC with her
new girl)...she texted me "we are done' "You are a psychopath" "i am
so over you" blah blah blah....I was so taken back that I think I
ended up apologizing. I said things would be fine and maybe she could
move to NYC. I even said I would help her pay for the rest of her
school so she can get a job here in NYC (hair stylist). I put
$6,000.00 on my credit card and she just said "thanks" like it was
almost expected of me....but I was in love and wanted her to just be
happy.
After that things were pretty good. We always had fun together. I mean
I wasn't perfect either. I was a little moody at times but mostly bc i
never felt appreciated or loved the way i loved her. When she moved
in ( i went all the way to Maryland to help her) things went downhill
really quickly.
1. I let her live rent free until she got on her feet, cooked her breakfast,
2. I helped her with her resume to find jobs (in which now she works
at a top salon in NYC), got her flowers on her first day and a juicer
that she wanted
3. She cooked maybe once and cleaned maybe once. I would never nag.
It came down to me doing everything in the house. Like everything. She
would leave it a mess, like no respect at all for me or the rent free
house in NYC that she had
4. She became depressed at times and would totally take it out on me
(became distant)
5. She told me (and i could tell) that she hated being around me but
I still have no idea why. I am fun and people generally really really
like me (not to sound cocky)..i just have a really good personality.
My ex was more shy but could carry a convo. Only when we moved in did
i feel her hate towards me in public It was weird.
6. Even when she met friends, i would never give her a hard time. I
wanted that for her.
7. She said she started to feel smothered. Sometimes I felt like I
was losing my mind with her and i would beg her for answers but she
made me feel crazy and turned it around like nothing was wrong and
that i was paranoid. Like I turned into an insecure person in this
relationship. but she made me.
8. I always felt like i was walking on egg shells as i did not know
what mood she would be in. I just always felt like a nuisance in my
own home.
9. She was verbally abusive to me and was physical about 5 times,
especially when I would call her out or tell her that I deserve
better. This happened a lot when alcohol was involved. I did some
name calling myself but only bc i was either provoked or just plain
old confused. I felt insane, lost and confused.
8. We had sex a total of 3 times in the 6 months she lived here.
This I believe was due to the disconnection. We did have good times
living together but like I said hardly.
9. She told me randomly 3 times that i wasnt right for her, that she
was no longer in love with me and id be the perfect gf for someone
else but then would apologize. She said this immediately after she
moved in. I was so freaking confused bc all i ever did in the
relationship was genuine and i truly cared for her. Her saying this
came out of nowhere. So it set the mood for the move in and my
downfall in my self esteem.
10. I paid for everything. I think she bought me a piece of pizza
once. The whole relationship.
11. She ended up moving out bc i went crazy at the end. My mind was
just so fucked up. I did the begging and pleading for her to stay and
she was like dont you want someone that wants you. You deserve better
than me. I dont love you anymore.
12. I tell her not to contact me, she contacted me 2 days after
breakup bc her dog ran away and needed me (she moved into her cousins
place in queens). Of course i went. I said please dont contact me
again bc its too confusing. We didnt talk for 4 days and then she
texted me "hey" I didnt answer and she sent me 4 more texts saying
"i thought we were talking" Im confused. Then said "i thought we
were taking a clean break". She called me at work 2x too so i finally
called back. I gave in again and we spent the whole next weekend
together. Things felt normal but my i wasnt emotionally stable. She
was even cuddly. But then i asked what it was all about and she told
me "stop over analyzing things and pressuring it". This went on for
the next few weeks but i couldnt handle being around her without being
super confused. So basically it came down to her eventually saying "i
can only ever offer you friendship".
Anyways, sorry for the novel. There is so much more i can say but it
will turn into a 300 page novel. haa. I am going to try therapy but
do you think she may have BPD?
1. she has no remorse
2. never acts like she cares (which i think deep down she does)
3. I think she took advantage of me and now she has this whole life in
New York City when we spent a year long distance and i brought her
here and now I am alone.
4. One time we were in the street after a nice night out and then she
randomly kept slapping me in the face saying "no one likes me" youre
a loser...i started crying and she was like "look at you crying in the
streets of the city" loser loser" then woke up the next morning and
didnt remember. I slept on couch and I FORGAVE her..ugh. oh man i
can go on.
you've been through.
Near the end of the
thread, you wrote
that you said:
"i can only ever offer you friendship".
Hon -----
You can't be friends
with someone who
has already abused
you so horribly. She's
no more capable of a
healthy friendship than
she's capable of
participating in a
healthy intimate
partnership.
Three things would be
really good for you now.
The first thing would be
to take your focus off HER
and whatever her problems
may be. (The family of origin
you described is a typical
precedent for the kinds of
behavior patterns she
exhibited. The particular
diagnosis becomes
IRRELEVANT.)
Focus on yourself
and taking meticulously
good care of yourself.
Consider getting into
therapy with a counselor
who's specialty is recovery
from abuse.
And finally, though not
in the numbered list
with which I started:
Stay NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
all good things
in the new year.
You were right by asking her not to contact you. That is a very healthy boundary to set after what happened in the relationship. If she ever called again and wanted to work on the relationship, I highly advise you don't take the bait. Many of us here have given second chances (or more) to those abusers we've invested a ton in, and it doesn't end well. As much as I hated doing it, I had to go No Contact by blocking all communication my ex had to reach me, because it's the only way that *I* can keep my own sanity.
Do I still wonder what the heck was "wrong" with my ex? Oh sure, all the time. But I personally have just accepted that the only way I'm going to get past focusing on him is I just give him a label or two (or five or eight) in my mind that seems satisfactory for his behavior, and I put the focus back on me and my healing. Because I CAN "fix" me after what I've been through. Our ex's can only fix themselves if they acknowledge that long list of not-cool-at-all you've written above. And, come on, aside from any brief moments of what appeared to be "clarity," did they ever really genuinely do that?
It's a good thing that you're out of that relationship. It super sucks how underappreciated you were, but I promise you can heal from it. :)