Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Does anyone believe that my dh can change his emotional and verbal abuse after reading a book? I am afraid to stay and put my heart back in the marriage if he will go back to the abuse. I am scared and not sure what to do.
Realizing that he is abusive is just the first step. Understanding and believing that it is wrong, and he is in control of his behavior is another step, but there is much more. He has to agree to moving forward with allowing YOU to win some arguments, he has to make amends for all of his past behavior, which includes jail time, fines and financial restsoration of physical harm done to your body, your emotions and your property. He has to WILLINGLY agree to all of this, without fighting it or trying to bargain his way out of it.
USUALLY, the type of behavior you are describing is another manipulation to get you back under his control. Once you are there, things MAY be great for a short time, but without the serious intervention mentioned in the books and on that web site, the abuse will return and most likely be worse than ever before.
Before you agree to anything, make him explain how the book enlightened him and exactly what steps he is planning to take to make sure that the behaviors don't return. If it's "I'm so ashamed of myself I can't stand it, so I can't imagine ever doing that again," then he is NOT sincere. The behavior WILL return, because that is all he knows. He HAS to be in control, and right now pulling the "I understand" card plays really well. When that card is no longer needed, he reaches up his sleeve and pulls out the ones that have served him so well up until this point. What he needs is a brand new deck, and for men who need to be in control like abusers do, that is very difficult.
Don't be duped by the "honeymoon phase." They rarely last, and as time goes on they get shorter and shorter. Simply reading a book, although it is a start, is NOT going to "fix" him. It takes a lot of serious work, and the damage done to the way you feel about him may NEVER be undone. That is not YOUR fault, however, it is HIS. HE is the one that broke down the trust you have in him, and that is something that he is going to have to live with.