Welcome to the group, altho, I'm sorry you find yourself having to be here.

Doubting yourself is very common. It happens because abusers chip away at our self-confidence and self-esteem, among other things.

It would help to see her as his new "source" instead of partner. She's definitely not a partner. Pictures and words, especially on social media, don't mean diddly. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. They are certainly not a perfect family. He proves that every day that he doesn't stay in contact w/his own children.

No, no, no... he did NOT abuse you because you are a really bad person. He abused you because that's what he does.

The ex is on wife #3. I found out #2 left him for the same reasons I did. I know for a fact that he hasn't changed. He's only gotten worse as he moves from source to source.

If you aren't in therapy, please find a qualified trauma release therapist who is trained in the dynamics and effects and recovery from abuse. (Not all therapists are.) A good therapist can help you with the self-doubt and other aspects of your healing journey.

~healing hugs~

That sounds so so hard. I could definitely see myself doing that - looking him up on FB and then start doubting myself since he has an apparently functional relationship with someone else. There's no way though. Remind yourself of all the many, specific reasons you cut him off and then ask yourself if you really believe he's capable of a healthy relationship. You did not deserve to be abused and it's not your fault things fell apart.

thanks it helps to know this and i keep going over it in my head. they don't change! he never changed all those years with me so why will it be different with her!

i feel silly for looking at her social media i mean why am i hurting myself by doing that but i promised myself a long time ago i would face the truth about him even if it hurt and i take it a bit too far at times. there are things i really don't want to know. it looks like they are getting married too by the look of things on her facebook. i am shocked how fast he moved but looking at articles about these types i see that sociopaths just move where the need takes them.

like you said, 'source of supply' not partner, as long as she gives him what he needs she will be ok but as soon as she don't deliver any more i think the nasty side of him the real person will show up.

good advice, yes i know it was stupid looking him up.it sounds nuts but i still feel scared he will come back,he's abusive and nasty but manipulative and i really worry about that in the future with the kids.he told me he'd turn both them against me.still makes me fearful now and i somehow feel reassured looking at the social media knowing he's tied up with someone new.

But on the other hand seeing their happy faces smiling back really hurts too so i need to quit looking and know that i'm safe now. he's gone, if he comes back there are ways of protecting myself and i just need to let go of this pain.

I couldn't agree more about his finding a new source. Don't for one second think it's because of you. This new woman will either catch on as he becomes less able to sugar coat who he really is, or she will become his next victim & get in too deep to get out soon enough.

As for social media: most people try to present only the best image of themselves & it's almost always exaggerated . Even I, in order to stay positive & try to put forward a better front, only post cute pictures & stories about my cat because none of the other stuff going on with me is for public consumption. Most people don't even know my H & I split up (5 months ago).

it's difficult because he is self employed and has successfully dodged tax for about 15 years.always 'I'll get it sorted out this year' and then the penny dropped that he was stringing me along.i have no idea where he lives now and the lawyer i spoke to said it would be near impossible to get any money from him,if he had a regular job they'd trace him through taxes and be able to attach to his earnings.

all round i feel like a real fool and i should have known better,i should have seen the writing on the wall years before i left but i stayed becaues i loved him and was dependent on him.

i'm trying to make the best of a bad situation and when my kids are both in school which is a few years away i want to earn a good wage for us.i'm doing a course which is costing an arm and a leg but the scrimping and saving now should pay dividends when i get the chance to work full time in a decent paid job . fingers crossed!

thanks for your advice and support, i have little support through friends and family. most of them don't believe me that he was abusive and i feel like they blame me for the split, like it was my fault i walked away. just because i didn't come away with bruises and a black eye didn#t mean that he wasn't abusive, he was always careful not to be overt in his abuse toward me and the kids.

A brick wall is more supportive than my ex was. At least a brick wall won't move away and let me fall when I go to lean against it.

it's true that there's no support (true support) with an abuser Patti.

I pressured my ex into contacting the IR when we were together,with 2 kids and a house i was always worried the taxes would catch up with him so he phoned them.They basically know about it but after we split he moved again with the new woman,I don't know where he is now and i'm guessing the tax man doesn't either.The advice from the accountant i spoke to when we were together was that the taxman waits until around 50K is owed then goes in for the kill.

I could go to court but it will cost money to do it and the lawyer i spoke to told me that it would be long and drawn out if the ex doesn't cooperate.My feeling is karma will come and kick his butt in time and when it does he could be put in prison for it because he has zero assets. His new vehicles are in the new woman's name and he moved in with her, he own's sweet F A.

It burns to know that he is living the high life but sooner or later i'm guessing the past will catch up.

He wasn't an abuser. I'm on the board over my mother.

My ex was more....mediocre. I could have done better, I could have done worse. By the standards of this board, he might have been called an abuser, but then by the standards of this board my parenting may very well be called abusive too.

Oh well.

My kids are happy, and they keep trying to get back in the house (I'm joking). They're 13 and 15, and we're all close.

Seriously, do the work with your kids while they're little. I'm amazed daily how easy it is to have teenagers. (Daughter still doesn't pick up her towel. My son gets annoyed and usually picks it up for her though...)

How old are your munchkins? Boy? Girl?


As for the IRS, if they want him, they can track him down. I guess they may put him in prison, but I don't believe that they do that much. If his business has any assets they'll most likely take their cut from that. They've got the ability to even force the sale of the business.

Depending on how he's put things in her name...if they can track the money, they can seize those assets too.

I feel what you're going through. Im struggling to leave my bf of 5 years some days I feel like I can do better than him but then I wonder if I can handle to see him with someone else. Mainly because he did cheat on me with crazy girls and im not just saying that because it was another woman but literally plain out crazy, drug addicts, etc. So im like if I stay I wont have to let those people around our daughter.
anyway its not your fault, in the beginning of every relationship they go through the "honey moon" stage and then eventually she will see how he can be. Every shows there true colors some time or another. Theres nothing wrong with you, you at least had the courage to leave and that shows how strong you are!

NO, you are NOT a bad person. I've been physically and emotionally abused since I was a very little girl, I'm almost 62 now. My husband and grown kids' say they understand, but they don't, nobody could unless they have been there and lived it.

My husband is a musician, he plays gigs at night often, an teaches guitar. Couple years into our marriage, I realized I am not the kind of woman that could handle her husband being gone playing music at night. I asked him to get a more conventional job, secure job. He refused.

For the past five years he's been doing gigs and God only knows what else with a woman that he promised me he would not do gigs with. I found out, 3 weeks, ago, he's been playing with her all along, and she has harshly dyed black hair, in her pictures her shirts unbuttoned and he boobs almost completely exposed.

She has pictures of my husband and videos of him all over FB and the internet. One video, she's singing a song about oral sex...pointing at my husband, shouting I'm hot for you, I will give you anything you want, anyway you want, anywhere you want. After my husband's guitar solo, she hugs him, and shouts...my ....says his name.

It hurts, big time. We had huge fight when I confronted him, he said he just could not say no to her. He told me they never had sex. Said working relationship only. Hundreds of emails to my husband from her, showed up on an email addy I never check, for some reason I checked it that day. She said I sooo enjoy your touch, feel, tone of your voice, you bring such delight and joy. And she said much more.

I love my husband and forgive him, but the pain....is there. That woman has him posted all over FB and internet, and she even stole some pictures off my FB...I didn't even know that was possible to do but she did it.

You are NOT a bad person....You are a very good person.
Jessica