Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So far I've shared about my ex bf. I mentioned I have a son who is an addict. I have had so many problems with him thru the past few years. I'm not good at sharing my story about him because it hurts. Hurts like hell. So at the time I met my scheming abusive bf....my Dad who I was super close with passed away. At that same time my son had to be revived and brought back to life from a heroin overdose. So you can see why I fell victim to the Ex.
I almost lost two of the most important men in my life.
Well long story short I had to take a protective order out at that time on my son. He was abusing me when coming down from his high. He threw a hot cup of coffee at me and started smashing things in my home. So he was removed. Hardest thing I ever had to do. But I did.
I guess I'm a screwup because I let him back after I threw the ex out. This month has completely drained me.
Last night two detectives showed up at my door. He was arrested for stealing something. Had a video. He wasn't high last night. He and his clean brother were sitting and having a drink outside in the yard when they showed up. My poor son was so distraught watching this happen. He so badly wants to save his brother. I was numb. I called the police station and begged them not to just release him. He's on a death mission and keeping him there will at least clean him up for a few days. So they put a bail on him.
It wasn't enough since he is a functioning addict who makes a lot of
Money and could post it himself and get out.
The police officer felt bad for me. He said he has kids and can't imagine what this feels like.
So he calls me back and says...do you realize you have that order on your son and he cannot drink in your home. True. I was too weak to even use it once I took it out. So he said looks like your son won't be out anytime soon. For the Love of God I am sure this is a blessing and may save his life. But today I am back in pjs and sitting right where I was after throwing ex out.
I know this post is more about drugs. But both of them abused me and I just allowed it and traded one for another.
I know I need to get back to counseling. I want to run...drive and keep going and never look back. But I can't. I have one terrific son and a grandchild I adore.
Barely functioning because I did this to myself. I must be flawed and broken inside.
Yes childhood was horrendous. Therapy for years. Thought I was doing good. Now look at me. I'm a disaster
I almost lost two of the most important men in my life.
Well long story short I had to take a protective order out at that time on my son. He was abusing me when coming down from his high. He threw a hot cup of coffee at me and started smashing things in my home. So he was removed. Hardest thing I ever had to do. But I did.
I guess I'm a screwup because I let him back after I threw the ex out. This month has completely drained me.
Last night two detectives showed up at my door. He was arrested for stealing something. Had a video. He wasn't high last night. He and his clean brother were sitting and having a drink outside in the yard when they showed up. My poor son was so distraught watching this happen. He so badly wants to save his brother. I was numb. I called the police station and begged them not to just release him. He's on a death mission and keeping him there will at least clean him up for a few days. So they put a bail on him.
It wasn't enough since he is a functioning addict who makes a lot of
Money and could post it himself and get out.
The police officer felt bad for me. He said he has kids and can't imagine what this feels like.
So he calls me back and says...do you realize you have that order on your son and he cannot drink in your home. True. I was too weak to even use it once I took it out. So he said looks like your son won't be out anytime soon. For the Love of God I am sure this is a blessing and may save his life. But today I am back in pjs and sitting right where I was after throwing ex out.
I know this post is more about drugs. But both of them abused me and I just allowed it and traded one for another.
I know I need to get back to counseling. I want to run...drive and keep going and never look back. But I can't. I have one terrific son and a grandchild I adore.
Barely functioning because I did this to myself. I must be flawed and broken inside.
Yes childhood was horrendous. Therapy for years. Thought I was doing good. Now look at me. I'm a disaster
Please know that you didn't cause it. You can't control it. And, you can't cure it. All you can do is TAKE CARE OF YOU!
Sadly, just because you had therapy for years doesn't mean it did anything except help you survive. That's not a bad thing. Now that your abusers are out of your home and hopefully you are completely No Contact with them. If you aren't, it is imperative that you do so now. To stay in contact means you are still enveloped in toxic 'abuse fog.'
Once out of the abusive environment and away from the abusers, you can start therapy anew with a QUALIFIED therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse and trauma.
So many therapists truly do NOT understand the dynamics and affects of abuse. Please ask any prospective therapist the following questions:
1. what training in trauma & abuse recovery do you have that is OVER & ABOVE what they learned in school & to obtain your license
2. what modalities, besides talk therapy, do you use when working with a traumatized and/or abused client?
3. are you doing your own work? (this IS CRUCIAL as therapists usually get into this business because of their own hurt/pain/trauma to help others. Unfortunately, many of them don't follow up by continuing to do their own work. And then what happens is THEY GET TRIGGERED by their clients.
Also it would help to educate yourself about addiction and your part in it. Not that you are to blame - you aren't. But anyone who lives with or is close to an addict almost always ends up being co-dependent and enabling them. This is NOT a criticism or judgment! it's just a fact. The longer we're with addicts, the sicker we get because we're grasping at straws, usually unhealthy ones, just to survive.
Finally, PLEASE stop beating yourself up. You are NOT flawed or broken. I know that's what it feels like, but you really aren't. You are just engulfed in other people's toxicity. You are traumatized and doing the best you can to survive.
Take good care of yourself. Get into therapy asap and take it one step at a time. Give yourself the gift of however much time it takes to heal.
You ARE worth it!
~healing hugs~
I've never faced before. My Mom never drank. Her "nerves" we're always shot. She popped Valiums all my life. I never thought of
Her as a drug addict. Back then I didn't
Know any. She beat me and berated me daily. It
Became my normal. I don't know any other way. I try to fix everyone but me. I need fixing. I'm kind caring and loving to everyone but myself. I feel out of my element not having crazy making behavior going on. I attract it...yet hate being around it.
I've only survived life. I cannot say I have ever felt happy. I know pain..beatings and suffering. I know being chased with knives at 7 years old and scared she would kill me. So having someone call me a bit@h or throwing something at me seems minimal compared to the trauma I put up with until she died 6 years ago.
It's hard not to feel damaged or broken. It's hard to meet people who treat me well. I feel undeserving. I'm 55 and I've given up hope to feel any different. I feel hopeless and tired.
I can relate to much of what you said, especially about not being happy. I used to say I needed fixing. And I tried every self-help book and a buttload of therapists and nothing worked. I didn't need fixing. I needed healing. And that's what you need too.
I'm so sorry for all that you have endured. But you can feel safe and happy. I won't lie, it will take hard work and dedication on your part, but it is possible. You can love and nurture yourself back to your authentic self and find happiness.
~healing hugs~
I also know what it is to feel that you are nothing unless you are helping, saving or fixing someone. But it's not true. The worst thing that was done to either one of us in our childhood was not the chasing with a knife (which I can barely imagine, I'm so very sorry), but the failure of our parents to give us the knowledge, as children, that we are enough. That what we are is good and worthy, that what we do is not what we are worth, it's merely a reflection of what we are worth. And to teach us that we are not worth taking care of, that others deserve it more than we do. Those things were so very wrong.
You are worthy of love and care just because of being you, not because of what you can do or how you can help or fix someone. Whether someone outside of you gives you that love and care is beside the point. They don't get to choose whether you are worthy of it.
You didn't do this to yourself. Yes you are flawed - because everyone is. And on top of that, you are injured. Take care of yourself though, and with effort and time and help, you can heal from your injuries. And those injuries don't make you any less worthy.