Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Last night, we went grocery shopping for the holiday. We were talking, and having a pretty good conversation. We've been talking about taking the kids to see the new Disney movie Thanksgiving day - she asked if I meant the three up the street as well as our own when I said ' the kids' - I stuck with the boundary I had set when we first discussed it - If other parents came along with us. Like my Dad, or eihter of their parents.
She then asked me for a clear answer on something I'd been waffling on for a while. "My parents would like to come see it with us. Would you mind if they came?"
I thought about it. Really almost came out with another 'I really don't care' - if they did, I'd ignore them completely. But then I thought that doing so would rob me of my joy, so I said 'No.'
"Can I ask why?" she responded.
"Because they got to go to Disneyland with the kids without me, I can take my kids to a Disney movie without them. Frankly, you're actually lucky I'm letting you come."
She sat in silence for a moment. "That was really not nice, what you just said."
I said ' maybe not, but it's very true. Your parents have no respect for me, I feel that I have the choice to show them respect or not.'
I felt really good about it for the next while, even as we drove in complete silence. But now, I'm hoping she wasn't right.
Also, in her conversation with the cashier while I loaded the cart onto the belt, 7 times she referred to 'My kids' 'My son' 'My daughter' as I stood next to her - AND I was actually participating in the conversation this time! That one got a card.
She then asked me for a clear answer on something I'd been waffling on for a while. "My parents would like to come see it with us. Would you mind if they came?"
I thought about it. Really almost came out with another 'I really don't care' - if they did, I'd ignore them completely. But then I thought that doing so would rob me of my joy, so I said 'No.'
"Can I ask why?" she responded.
"Because they got to go to Disneyland with the kids without me, I can take my kids to a Disney movie without them. Frankly, you're actually lucky I'm letting you come."
She sat in silence for a moment. "That was really not nice, what you just said."
I said ' maybe not, but it's very true. Your parents have no respect for me, I feel that I have the choice to show them respect or not.'
I felt really good about it for the next while, even as we drove in complete silence. But now, I'm hoping she wasn't right.
Also, in her conversation with the cashier while I loaded the cart onto the belt, 7 times she referred to 'My kids' 'My son' 'My daughter' as I stood next to her - AND I was actually participating in the conversation this time! That one got a card.
I think you're justified in saying that because her parents don't respect you, you don't want to spend your Thanksgiving with them. And maybe suggest she and her parents take the kids to a different movie over the weekend. I have to say, I have feelings of saying really nasty things to my husband at this point, and I largely hold my tongue and let it all out in therapy, to family members (now that I'm sure we're getting divorced and they won't have to have a relationship with him), and in my journal.
I do believe, though, we lose, when it comes to getting back at an abuser.
I think the comment ; " you're actually lucky I'm letting you come."
is what possibly got you her calling the kids "my kids" in the grocery store. They usually end up winning, cause they think way nastier than we do. Your wife KNOWS to get the kids involved so you are between a rock and a hard place.
I'm so sorry, Bax.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I will lay my cards on the table too. I lost my temper with my husband after one boundary violation too many from him, and said some things that were my hurt and indignation talking. But I was still the first one to acknowledge my responsibility for it and apologise. I never got an apology from him!
You're being abused, there is no doubt about that. But the fact that you are still thinking about the effects of your words makes you different from her. Taking responsibility would complete that. And yes, I think she did get back at you in the store as gem says, in usual abuser fashion, by appropriating your children verbally.
So sorry :( xx
That said, I stand by what I said about taking responsibility for and apologising for one's actions when warranted, while remaining aware of the abusive tactics being routinely used within the relationship, and the fact that those are not acceptable either.
As for the comment to her - was it nice? Not really. However, you would not say that to someone who treats you nice and Im sure you dont go around talking nasty to people all the time. What gets me is that, SHE can see and point out to you how "That was really not nice, what you just said." Can she say pot...kettle????
If my husband came back at me with a "moral judgement" on something I said in the heat of a moment, in the fragile and beaten down mental state I'm in now - because of him - I may have very well snapped back at him and said something "not so nice" . The difference is, it would have been very out of character for me.... as I'm sure it is for you.
Sending hugs and peace,
If she brings it up again, I will apologize for my harshness. I also apologize to all of you for sharing that harshness with you - I hope none of you were hurt.
I still say, don't be so hard on yourself. I feel there is no need to apologize to us for what you said. You've been through a lot. It was a defense response.
Sending big hugs,