I've been posting on FB what I've been learning about abuse, and having completed a week, I thought I'd share with you all. Brace yourselves, it's long.

Well, here we are - domestic violence awareness month. The DV shelter I've been working with has provided a wealth of valuable information. A year ago, I knew nothing about domestic violence, save what I half remembered from a guest speaker in my Women in Contemporary Societies class (delivered on 9/11/2001, believe it or not.) I've learned since then. Now, I'm striving to help these amazing m...en and women undo the brainwashing that has held them in thrall, move on to healthy and safe lives, and to do all of it without hardening their hearts or giving in to hatred. And they're helping me, too.

So brace yourselves - I'm going to do at least one post a day with information regarding abuse. Hey. At least it isn't about abortion or politics, right? Or more of me moping :)

Ok, it's a bit late in the day, but still technically day 2. So: here's the most important thing to know about domestic violence.

It's not about cruelty. It's not about being malevolent, or sadistic, or a sociopath, or a psychopath. Those are common in many forms of abuse, but that's not WHY. They are merely various tactics, along with many others for the express purpose of one thing: Maintai...ning control.

Some people derive please from maintaining control of another person. Some can only feel secure by controlling others. Still others can only alleviate powerful fears, insecurities, or distrusts if they maintain that level of control. Those are disorders, but note - they are disorders of the abuser, not the victim. Most people, if faced by an overt confrontation demanding that level of control, will resist, and end the relationship if the demands continue.

However, most abuse is far from overt, and the most subtle forms can be the most damaging given time. And given a subtle enough abuser, ANYONE can fall prey to their manipulations. That's an important point to recognize as well - there's a strong tendency to blame the victim as somehow deserving or inviting the abuse. And such a tendency only reinforces the abuser's control.

Ok. Day 3. Now that we've established that abuse is about control, let's look at some tactics. Tactic number 1: Defining reality.

"This person is angry at you."
"You're so shy and awkward."
"You know you don't like broccoli."
"No one will ever love you like I do."

Belittling statements like this are bad enough on their own, but note: They leave no room for argument. No wiggle room, no possib...ility of being wrong. They are definite statements which leave the listener only the options of accepting them (in which case admitting that the abuser knows more than they do) or being confrontational (which means setting themselves against a person that remember - they really do love and trust.) After all, who among us has not felt shy on occasion? If they protest, the inevitable response is along the lines of "Oh? You're not shy? What about that time when..."

Over enough time, and performed subtly enough, the victim of this pernicious tactic will come to doubt their own perceptions of reality in favor of their partners'. However, this, when combined with tomorrow's tactic - gaslighting - can leave the victim extremely uncertain. If told something they know to be untrue, then rather than doubt one they trust, they will accept it, even as there is part of their mind which rebels against the altered definition.

Listen closely for this tactic, particularly in heated situations. No one takes care to own their own feelings and perceptions all the time, but consistent usage of this style of speaking can be severely damaging over time.

Day 5 - Isolation.

The abuser has the victim reeling with confusion, and starving for affection and positivity. This results in a very pliable victim - not much of a threat to the abuser's authority. However, a very real risk remains. The victim is vulnerable, starving, and desperately needs the stability the abuser has robbed them of - the stability which is a commodity the abuser needs to m...aintain absolute control of. However, a loving family member, a loyal friend, even a concerned co-worker can unwittingly supply that support, and cost the abuser the stranglehold they've worked so hard to achieve.

Isolation works two ways. The victim is already careening toward the deep end of paranoia, so it doesn't take much of a push to help them all the way there. Triangulation is a great strategy here. Abusers LOVE triangulation. It allows them to manipulate the victim's perception of everyone else around them, while remaining squeaky clean themselves. And if anything does leak out, well - who's going to believe the word of a person who is so obviously crazy, huh? They're already confused and uncertain - paranoid that any wrong word will result in catastrophic results. Assure them that they've already said that word. Keep them shy, afraid to reach out to people. Their self-esteem is taking a dive right now, so it's not hard.

But sometimes other people still manage to get in the way, don't they? To this end, the abuser must work on the other relationships as well. Assure everyone that the victim is fine - or if obviously not, then the loyal, noble partner is doing everything they can to help them through this difficult time. Sow dissension and distrust. Twist situations. Make sure everyone sees how unstable the victim is and has become. While maintaining their own spotless reputation at the same time.

In order for brainwashing - and it is a very powerful form of brainwashing - to work, the victim must be isolated from any contrary messages until they reach the point that they are willing to reject those messages themselves. Some more physical abusers go so far as to keep victims locked away, the phones in cupboards, and fly into towering rages at learning the victim has had any contact with anyone, no matter how incidental. The victim must know - as certain as the sun rising in the east - that the abuser is the only one they can trust. Everyone else will be angry and judgmental and even violent with the victim. It's best to let the abuser handle those crazy people in the outside world. "It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city... I am your only friend..." It amazes me how many women (and men) I've spoken to, who are literally terrified that by reaching out for help, they are welcoming punishment - not just from the abuser, not just from themselves, but from the person they are reaching out to. That they will me blamed (and many are) or mocked (and many are) or ignored (and many are).

Each and every one of them must find the strength to reach out to someone, certain that it will end poorly, and that they are destroying a loving relationship, and a person who loves and trusts them by doing so. But the only alternative... well, it's frequently suicide. Always suicide, actually, either of the body or of the soul. Completely give in to the abusers' wishes, and become a puppet, doomed to eternal failure and contempt. They are some of the strongest people I've ever met - and they're certain that they are stepping out only in weakness and giving up. They have no strength left.

Tomorrow starts a new week, and I think I'd like to - if no one minds terribly - look at types of abuse. Please let me know if any of you ever have any questions - I'll answer them to the best of my ability.

Day 6 - I'll start with the easy one. Physical abuse.

Obviously, bruises, broken bones, punching, kicking, threatening violence are all forms of physical abuse. But there's more to it than that. Remember that the goal of abuse is to maintain/take control. Merely being threatening is a form of physical abuse. If we were arguing, and I used my physical size to back you into a corner to get yo...u to back down, that would be abusive.

Physical abuse can also be directed towards objects. Throwing things, breaking things - particularly items of value to the victim - are also forms of physical abuse. Driving recklessly, as well.

Then there are the subtler forms. Pinching. Popping pimples - particularly humiliating and degrading. Tapping. Invading personal space. Regularly interrupting sleeping and eating patterns. Body language. Even a hug or hand on the shoulder can be used as a tactic to maintain control.

Also fitting in this category are the darkest, most violent forms of abuse. Threatening to harm or kill the victim unless they comply, naturally. Low doses of poison in the victim's food. Keeping them physically chained up or imprisoned. Also potent is when the abuser threatens to harm or kill themselves unless the victim complies. Threats to loved ones, pets, or children are also possible.

Remember - the goal is not to harm the other person. The goal is to get the other person to obey, by any and all means necessary. Obey, and hopefully eventually reach the point where the thought of disobedience is terrifying - better yet, unthinkable - to the victim. Abuse is about control, not malevolence. The truly scary thing is when an abuser is at this point - obviously so - and the victim still cannot bring themselves to believe that it's true. They could have a gun pointed at their head, and in time, they would be convinced that they had deserved it. That it's not that bad - at least they didn't actually shoot them, right?

Tomorrow, I think emotional abuse. Firmly tied in with verbal and psychological abuses, although I'm going to try to keep them separate. I hope some of you are learning something, and not merely rolling your eyes at yet another diatribe from me. Talk to you tomorrow!

Ok. Day 7. Emotional abuse.

"Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

It's a lie. We all know it is. The only way names don't hurt is if you don't care for the person who is calling you them. But sometimes, it's a loved one. Sometimes, it's someone you trust. Sometimes, it's a person who you want nothing more than to impress and be there for.

And then those na...mes, that doubt, that disappointment... is nigh unbearable.

There are darker emotions we all share. Jealousy. Doubt. Insecurity. Guilt and Shame. Sorrow. Humiliation. Fury. Rage. Loathing. Fear. Pain. Loss.

It's true that no one can force you to feel anything you don't want to feel. Ultimately, you are responsible for controlling your own emotions. But there are ways... When you let someone close to you, you make yourself vulnerable to them. You share secrets. Weaknesses. Knowledge. And the abusive person - the manipulator who is doing everything they can to be in control - has been handed a gift. The keys to the car. You share with them that silly little thing that always make you angry. Suddenly, it's everywhere. And it makes you angrier than it used to. And you feel bad - you don't understand why you're losing control so much.

What you don't realize is that those emotions are powerful. And the abuser can, an they choose to, push that button frequently. Encourage you to lash out bigger and worse in response to it. And then make you feel guilty, blame you for your over the top response to what was a nearly invisible provocation. It may be anger. It may be fear. Every one of those darker emotions is a weapon that can be used against you - and you've told them which ones are most effective to use against you. Because you trusted them.

It actually goes further. In combination with psychological abuse (which I classify as a separate type of abuse, but I haven't found many others who do yet) a victim of abuse can be trained to actually fear good feelings - joy, strength, confidence - and prefer the familiar, but agonizing surroundings of the sorrow, guilt, and fear they feel they deserve. Tomorrow, I'll talk about psychological abuse (largely called verbal abuse, but I feel the verbal is the method - the psychological damage is the goal), and why I feel it merits its own category.

Day 8 - Psychological Abuse.

Unlike Emotional Abuse, which uses emotions to attack the victim, psychological abuse attacks the psyche.

Belittling. Nasty jokes. Insults. Humiliation. Fault finding. Namecalling. The Silent treatment. Blame shifting. (which gets its own post.)

The victim has placed the abuser in a position of trust. If there is constantly something wrong, if they can nev...er get things right, if they're humiliated in front of others, if the joke is at their expense... When paired with the crazymaking, the isolation, the uncertainty of what's going on... these are attacks against the very notion that a person has worth. That they deserve dignity and respect.

The thing is - one humiliating episode is painful, but easily forgiven. Perhaps it's that unflattering story that always seems to come up in conversation. Perhaps its forced exposure to fears and phobias. Perhaps the fact that every 'thank you' is followed by a 'but...'

These attacks are at the very heart of the brainwashing process. By attacking the psyche, the abuser can instill a permanent sense of shame for simply existing. The victim will come to view the only value they have as that which is given by others - particularly the abuser. By themselves, they will become convinced that they are worthless, they are vile, they are monstrous or evil. Their self-worth is transformed into self-loathing. In this state, the abuser is in control of any and all value as a person. They control the other's confidence and joy. All while maintaining that strong sense of 'But I am the only one who could ever love you.' 'I am the only person who could ever put up with you.'

Small wonder that victims find it so difficult to detach from an abuser.