Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello everyone, I need a bit of advice. I have a therapy appointment later today so I've been writing up some things that I want to go over with my therapist.
When I try to discuss these things with my significant other, he always demands examples of how he's behaving in the way that I say he is. I feel as if I am explaining things to him as clearly as possible, but end up feeling even worse than I did after I have finished talking to him. Nothing gets resolved during these conversations. I also feel as if my memory of events and arguments is different than his, he makes it seem like I'm making things up or overreacting when I'm fairly certain that I'm not.
My bf has been attending therapy, and is making claims that he has finally seen how abusive he's been toward me after I left him and had over two months of no contact with him. His behavior has improved a little bit for the last month and a half, but the other day we had an argument that made me wonder if he's really changing. I am starting to realizing that maybe it was a mistake for me to reach out to him to try to fix things. Here are some of the things that I still feel are the same in our relationship:
- He is still minimizing the past and behaves in ways that make me think that he doesn't understand the impact of his past behavior, he gets angry or annoyed with me for not trusting him, and expects me to immediately put 100% into the relationship. He also acts as if I don't have valid reasons for not trusting him and thinks I should forgive/forget the past.
- He is still trying to argue into staying in a relationship with him. No matter how hurtful his behavior is or has been, it's still not a good enough reason for me to leave him. He believes that there is no reason to break up if you love someone.
-He is constantly bringing up his month and a half of good behavior, and seems to expect constant acknowledgement for behaving the way he should have been all along. He also acts as if his good behavior erases all of the past hurt and damage that he's done. He thinks that good behavior a majoirty of the time makes it ok to occasionally slip back into his old behaviors and patterns.
There are other things as well, but I feel as if these are some of the major ones. He says he's changed but the only changes he's made are drinking less, going out less, showing me more affection, and attempting to spend more time with me.He says he is listening and respecting me and my feelings more, but I don't feel that he is. I aslo don't feel that his efforts are good enough, which makes him angry.
Am I being unreasonable? Or ungrateful? He thinks that all my hurt and anger from the past are causing me to sabotage our relationship because he genuinely believes that things are going well. How do I let go of hoping that things will get better, and realize that this may be as good as it gets? At what point do you stop trying? I feel bad for wanting to break up again, but I'm starting to think that this is my only option.
I'd appreciate any advice or help
Sounds like your bf is also an expert at gaslighting and this causes you to question your own judgment and decisions. Google the term if you're not familiar with it and see if you recognize any of the patterns. Here is one article: https://www.davidwolfe.com/10-signs-victim-gaslighting/
You did an excellent and brave thing by going no contact for two months. Could you take another break of a few months from him and spend that time educating yourself on emotional abuse and on taking care of yourself? I think it will be critical to helping you see clearly and feel like you know the way forward. I hope your therapist is someone who has experience with abusive relationships. If not you may want to find someone who specializes in this area.
Hugs and prayers to you on your healing journey.
I feel bad for wanting to break up again,
The key here is that
you want to break up.
That's your gut telling
you what's right for you.
Your title above asked
if this sounds like he's
changing.
What you've written
sounds to me like a
textbook example
of an abuser trying
to hang onto his
victim.
Most abusers, the
vast majority. . . . . .
only change for the
worse. The percentage
who become non-abusive. . .
. . . . . . infinitesimal.
Also:
I'm starting to think that this is my only option.
Your gut instinct is
telling you something
else that's critically
important.
I suggest you try
doing Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise
for the time frame since
you've been back together.
You've already gotten a
start, doing that, laying
out what's been going
on, for us, here. (I'll bump
that thread for you.)
Please take good care.