Yes. This is very common
and I'll venture, has happened
in some form or other, to most
of us.

It happens when we're out and
safe because ---- we're out and
safe. We've had some some
distance by now and some of
the pain may have decreased.
So now ---- other stuff starts
coming out. It may seem
confusing but it's just our
mind and our heart
processing a change
in something that was
very intimate and intense.

Stay strong. Keep an
abuse-free life in your
sights. Happier times
are waiting for you.

Hi Mia,

I can't completely relate to this because I still have to talk to my H since we have children. But here is my opinion anyway:

I have two thoughts on this:
1. sometimes when I have a lot of memories running through my head, more than normal, it's becuase something has happened to trigger that. Maybe I read something here or heard something on the news...heck it could even be a song that made me melancholy (i stopped listening to music for the time being). And perhaps my mind is trying to work through it. Heard of the saying 2 steps forward...1 step back? Even with the 1 step back It's still progress right?

2. Time. 2 months out is still really new. 2 months of NC (a little envious) and things are staring to settle in. you are starting to get used to being on your own. but the memories are still fresh.

It may even be a combo of the 2...just my humble opinion.

I don't even think it truly began to sink in for me until about 2 months out...shoot I still an getting used to it.

I am so glad you are beginning to feel safe and happy - Priceless!

Are you in counseling?

Hugs,

Seawee

Hi MIA2012, you asked, "So my question to all of you is.. does this happen for you as well? Those that got out, and are happy now... Do the things he said and did linger? I keep having flashbacks both good and bad at odd times of the day, and definitely at night...

YES, at least with me. Movies that have men that look like or act like my latest abuser or even commercials can trigger, songs that we listened to together. Anything that advertises events we did together as well. Depending on how strong I feel that day, I may be able to blow it off or I may tear up. It is a process and it takes time. I know this because I have had other abusers in my life, other relationships, even longer ones and have had different forms of abuse.
What makes it a bit better for me is to finally let it go. To finally manage NC No Contact. I know this is easier said than done, but it is possible and I have changed my cell phone number 3 times now to do this. If I need to I will change it again. It not only protects me from the abuser contacting me or his "friends" contacting me but vice versa.
It is a hard thing to do, when you have become so used to calling them up in the lonely hours, when you have something you want to share with them in moments of happiness, sadness, whatever your emotions are with the mistaken feeling that it is THEY who get you, THEY who understand you more than anyone.
THAT is the worst thing to do and it will take you back any forward steps you may have progressed in my opinion. Any "benefits" you feel you may have gained from contact will dry up quickly and you will be left feeling even more alone, questioning yourself even more, doubting your confidence..so on and so on.

To me, the false "love" of an abuser is like a drug, a toxin, and you have to just detox from them. The only way to do it is time and space. The things they say and do seemed better than anything but they are a temporary fix and will never last and will leave you feeling worse each time when the "high" is over. They are always going to fail you.

This is my way of describing it anyway, not sure that it is the proper way, but it is how it feels to me and I don't even do drugs but I have literally been made ill by my abusers. Have literally had to shut myself away from them and take the time to heal. Then when I felt stronger, make IT about ME for a change and do things for ME, focus on what do I want? What can I do to stay busy and what is it that I like to do? Keep my mind busy and off of them.

I hope that was helpful.
It truly is a process and takes time, strength and courage. We all have stages and this is a supportive place. I wish you the best. Hugs.

First of all, I want to tell you, I am so happy you are safe. You got out in time, and so many others do'nt. What you are feeling is so normal, but you need to go to see a therapist to be able to start to cope with your ''flashbacks''. These are called panick attacks. This is a part of post taurmatic stress disorder. When a person lives through a taurmatic event that changes their life, this causes memories of that event to linger in their minds, way after the event has happened. I am a survivor of domestic violence for ten years now. I am happy. You are not alone. Also, go see a doctor to get meds. that will help you cope. I am glad you are here on this web-site. You cannot go through this alone. I am here if you want to talk to me, and I willl give you my e-mail address if you want to e-mail me if you rather talk in private. You have started your healing process just by being on this site. We understand your feelings, because we have been there. There is an angel on your shoulder, that's me! Please keep in touch.

Is one of the reasons for no contact because we might want them back? Especially when we see them improving and they are treating us wonderful? I see him almost daily because of the kids activites, etc. It is ssooo hard not to want him back in my life. Especially when I see changes that are so positive. Ilene, didn't you mention no contact for sure for a year?

Ladies you are making me cry at work... THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I honestly thought that I was getting better and that this was going to be a blip, and I would be whole and healed already. On top of all the crap he put me through, my grandmother passed away in May, and with the holidays coming up I am just now realizing she won't be there. I didn't get to grieve then because I didn't want to make him sad. I have a lot of healing ahead.

I did start counselling right after he was arrested, but (and I find this hilarious) my therapist totally dropped off the face of the earth. She missed an appointment, I have called her a few times and I haven't gotten anything back. I know she is fine bc this is a small town and if something had happened I would have known. It's very weird and I just haven't found a new therapist yet.

I want to be truly better this time. This is not my first bout with abuse, though it was the most violent. Thank you for all the support. I am trying to be supportive to others here as well and I am noticing the ones that are here most, and I like all that I see. It's good to know I am not alone in this and my crazy feelings.

THANK YOU!

I cannot imagine having to deal with your abuser on a daily basis due to sharing children. It must require such strength of mind and spirit.

I personally feel that abusers do not change positively if they change at all. I feel it is a smokescreen and they show you what they want you to see. It is all manipulation on thier part. If they seem to treat you in a better light it is purely manipulation for thier own needs.

If they seem to want to suck you back in, thier is an ulteriour motive and be warned, the "honeymoon period" will not last. I can attest to this. I have been sucked in by each of my abusers by various means, sometimes over the top ploys, and within months, sometimes even weeks, we were back to square one. Also the abuse escalated each time. :(

They will offer up excuses, they will offer up that they have or will change. They will NOT.

I am not a gambling person but this is one thing I would bet on. Abusers do not change. What you see or have seen is what you will always see.

No Contact is the safest way to protect yourself and to heal.

MIA, I agree with pretty much all that the others have posted. What you describe is very common and it may be a symptom of PTSD. Or it may just be that, as Ilene said, you are now safe. When we are in the midst of abuse, a lot of things shut down - we are in basic survival mode. A huge proportion of our thoughts and emotions are taken up by trying to assess their mood, trying to keep the peace, trying to work out which way is up - and just basically trying to survive.

Then we get out, and there is immediate relief and peace, as well as often sadness and a bunch of other emotions rushing around our system.

Then we get a little bit of space, particularly if we can manage no contact, and our emotions settle down a little. And that's when our brains start thinking maybe it's safe to start processing some of what went on. Even if it's not PTSD, I suspect (especially since you say it's not your first round of abuse) that these things will be popping up from time to time for a while. But the good news is that, in my view, it's progress - it's not even a step back in the two steps forward one back sense. It's a step forward because it's your brain telling you that you've made sufficient progress to start dealing with some of this stuff.

Do keep trying to find a good therapist tho - it will be absolutely invaluable in helping you to actually do the processing your brain is wanting you to do, and also in helping you work strategies to keep the intrusive thoughts and/or flashbacks manageable.

One other thing - if you haven't already, maybe do Ilene's Clarifying Index Card Exercise (you can find it on the board or ask and someone will bump it up for you), and/or journal some of the intrusive thoughts and nightmares. I found getting them out of my head and down on paper (or a computer screen) helped me to get rid of them.