Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I broke it off with him almost a month ago because he threatened to kill me.
As I've mentioned before on this board, the first two weeks were ok because I was still angry. I wish to god, I could hold on to that anger because now it has subsided and now all I can do is think about him and I hate myself for it. When do I get to feel better? I feel like with each passing day, I am getting worse.
He was sorry for the first two weeks too, but now those apologies and all trace of remorse are gone. It was all me. And I broke his trust so I need to "cease to exist in his life". When we do talk, he says he's moved on, glad to be "done with my shit", that I was a liar and a cheater, that I never loved him, never wanted a life with him, that I left him alone, that I can go out and hang out with "dudes", "go fucking party". He "can't wait to meet someone who wants what he wants" and I had my chance and he deserves better. He's all over Facebook talking to girls. I've blocked and unblocked. This is unbearable. Absolutely unbearable.
I'm back in that state of mind where all I can do is blame myself. He's so angry at me for making him so bitter and frustrated and he's done "being in a mean state of mind". When does this end? Will I forever blame myself.
No, I never did let him move in, because I was terrified at times when he was angry, and I knew it would only get worse. But if I had, then he would of felt like I wanted a life together, and he would of loved me? Would he have stopped hating me? I go round and round in my head. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I have just waves and waves of guilt. I know I'm the one that ended it, so why do I miss him and want to call him? Now, I just feel like a thrown away piece of garbage.
As I've mentioned before on this board, the first two weeks were ok because I was still angry. I wish to god, I could hold on to that anger because now it has subsided and now all I can do is think about him and I hate myself for it. When do I get to feel better? I feel like with each passing day, I am getting worse.
He was sorry for the first two weeks too, but now those apologies and all trace of remorse are gone. It was all me. And I broke his trust so I need to "cease to exist in his life". When we do talk, he says he's moved on, glad to be "done with my shit", that I was a liar and a cheater, that I never loved him, never wanted a life with him, that I left him alone, that I can go out and hang out with "dudes", "go fucking party". He "can't wait to meet someone who wants what he wants" and I had my chance and he deserves better. He's all over Facebook talking to girls. I've blocked and unblocked. This is unbearable. Absolutely unbearable.
I'm back in that state of mind where all I can do is blame myself. He's so angry at me for making him so bitter and frustrated and he's done "being in a mean state of mind". When does this end? Will I forever blame myself.
No, I never did let him move in, because I was terrified at times when he was angry, and I knew it would only get worse. But if I had, then he would of felt like I wanted a life together, and he would of loved me? Would he have stopped hating me? I go round and round in my head. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I have just waves and waves of guilt. I know I'm the one that ended it, so why do I miss him and want to call him? Now, I just feel like a thrown away piece of garbage.
Yes, it will go away. But the first absolutely necessary step is to cut off contact with him. The guilt is his voice in your head telling you it's all your fault. Get his voice gone as a first step.
You didn't let him move in because you were terrified, and yet you wonder whether if you had, he would have stopped hating you? I'm not being critical, I understand where you are at, but look at it logically. Of course he wouldn't. You don't move in with someone to stop them hating you, you move away from them to stop it mattering how they feel about you. For the record, he doesn't and didn't hate you. But nor did he love you. He's incapable of it.
Nobody deserves ever ever ever to be "terrified" in a relationship. You didn't make him bitter and frustrated, you didn't make him anything. And you didn't deserve how he treated you. He threatened to kill you - nobody deserves that. Nobody.
If you'd let him move in, he would have (as you predicted) got worse. Listen to your voice not his. Your voice says he was dangerous. Your voice says he didn't love you. Your voice says keep your distance. It's his voice says it was all your fault, you deserved it, you should have tried harder/been better, and you "made" him be mean. And his voice is a liar.
Livnd is right about him
and office is right about
you. You ARE a strong
person.
But like most of us, you'll
do much better long-term
if you set yourself up with
resources that support,
guide and help you move
into a healthier frame of
mind.
This:
804.377.0335
is the number for
your state's women's
resources. Please
give them a call ASAP.
You said he
threatened to KILL you
and you ----- very prudently! -----
left the relationship.
In fact, you may actually be
fortunate that he didn't
follow through with his
threat, after you left
the relationship. Some
predators who threaten
to kill their victims,
tragically do.
Please call that number,
tell them what you've told
us, and see if they can
support you with some
counseling.
Also, please take a look
at the thread called
Ilene's Clarifying Index
Card exercise that I'll
bump up for you, after
I post this response.
It's an exercise I developed
that helped me many times
on my journey, and since I
began using it, has up helped
many others on THEIR journeys.
I hope you'll consider giving it a try.
Do you want to be with
someone who you said
TERRIFIED you, and
indeed, actually
THREATENED YOUR LIFE???????????????
Since you took intelligent
action and broke up with
him, it's apparent that
you VALUE YOUR LIFE.
THAT's GREAT.
That's HEALTHY.
That's an excellent
place to start. You've
got it in you to get back
to a healthy center.
Please call the number
I pasted in and then I
hope you'll begin the
Clarifying Index Card
exercise.
You really don't have to
feel guilty anymore
because you did
NOTHING to feel
guilty about. (You
practiced SELF-CARE!)
Then you can begin to
evict his toxic lies
from your inner dialogue
and RECLAIM your
healthy, happy life
FREE OF ABUSE.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.
He'll do it to her too, because it'll be all her fault too...he ain't owning his own messed-up behavior.
Please to stop Facebook stalking him, because he's probably doing all this stuff in part or in whole to make you feel like crap.
He's trolling you. Don't feed the troll, Hun.
I'm glad you followed your instincts and did not move in with him. When abusers get you in a more vulnerable position, they usually escalate abuse...moving in would have made him worse, not better.
Good guys( and ladies ) get that trust is earned.
They don't feel entitled to your trust.
If someone feels entitled to things from you? Run for the hills!
What the heck? How do they do this? He threatened to kill you, honey. That is in no way, okay. Mine didn't do exactly that but he did plenty and lots of it.
We are so much better than this. So much better. I know I am not really offering up advice but more offering appreciation for the topic. This is why this support group is so important.
It's not us. It's NOT our fault. They are the ones who destroy the relationship, destroy the dream, ensure our children (if we have them) grow up in a broken home because THEY BROKE IT! What we do by leaving is just make the external facade (ie we don't have a marriage, a relationship) match the reality. An abusive relationship is not a loving relationship and they have absolutely no right to expect us to continue to pretend to be in a relationship indefinitely. There is nothing we did or didn't do to "earn" the abuse. There is nothing we could have done differently or better to make the relationship work. The only choices when a partner is abusive are to continue to pretend you have a relationship while you slowly die from the inside out (or quickly die at their hands), or to face reality and walk away. It never seems that way when we are in (and I am in no way being critical of those who haven't left yet, I'm absolutely not doing the "why don't they just leave" rubbish). When we are in the fog, the choices seem so very much more blurred and difficult. But the reality is those two - pretend or go - are the only choices.
Lost, you faced a reality he doesn't want you to know existed, a reality that frankly a large part of you doesn't want to know existed. But it's still reality. You didn't deserve the abuse, you did the right thing by walking away from it and there is nothing you could have done differently to make the relationship work. Because you weren't the one breaking it.
I still have that fear, as I stalk his facebook, (which I am not going to do again) that with next girl, it will be different. He stated, he was done with me because he wanted to be "done with his mean state of mind" and wants "to be a good person again". I'm so petrified that he will adore her, and love her, and comfort her when she is crying, that he won't call her whore, and accuse her CONSTANTLY of cheating. But I know in my heart, this isn't the case and I do feel sorry for her, because she HAS NO IDEA.
I will be ok. One day at a time. One breath at a time.
Why are you still in contact with him? That only prolongs the pain.
It will get worse before it gets better and then one day, POOF! You'll be free. But not if you keep in contact and keep reliving Day One without him. He's a bad habit you need to quit cold turkey.