Hello Meg ----

Good for you for deciding that it's over.

And you're right. It doesn't matter two bits what he thinks about you, or anything.

Could you consider beginning to not take his calls and delete all messages before you listen?

If you tell him not to call and he ignores you, you're entitled to file a complaint.

Please know that you're entitled to live your life free of emotional and physical abuse. Please decide to keep your life free of abuse, just because that's how much you love yourself.

Please take good care and stay away from abusive people.

IW

Its a negative way of trying to get a reaction/response from you because he still does not want to let go.

I think you are right - he is the one with the problem, after all its not you dishing out the verbal abuse, etc. Don't worry about what he says.

I agree, stop taking his calls, delete his messages without listening to them. He will soon get the message eventually and stop harrassing you

Hey Meg08
he says what he knows will hurt you based upon your reaction.
Simply Change Your Phone Number.

PS congradulations in kicking it to the curb.
leave it there. someone w low self esteem will pick it up for awhile.

congradulation in chooseing a healthy life style.

Congrats on getting out!! I learned not to accept calls from my ex. For some reason it was too hard to hang up. When we absolutely have to talk, I do it by chatting on yahoo. It's so much easier to express what I'm feeling, because I don't have to hear or see his anger at what I say. And I think that insults really lose some hurt when they don't have a "real" voice saying them.

My favorite move...sending a happy face when he is angry. It's my way of screaming that I don't do what he wants anymore, even if he gets angry... It feels so good when I can point out to him that he's not in control of me anymore, even in the little ways. :)

Excellent responses from y'all as usual.

No, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Period. He is an idiot whose opinion doesn't matter.

And congrats for getting out of that! You are awesome...

This is part of the abuse, he is still trying to control you by trying to break down your spirit. I reccomend you make no contact of any kind with this man. I would change your number, email and anything else he can contact you on. If you absolutley can't keep yourself from communicating wiht him, make communication rules, for instance you will stop communicating with him if he is accusatory, uses foul language, threatens you or calls you names or becomes overtly upset, angry or yells. Let him know you will cease communications with him when he violates these rules.

Last night he kept calling me. I answered ( not sure why) it's like he called just to yell and call me names. I had an attitude w/ him at first, which caused him to call me more names. Then he continued to call right after he hung up the time before. But then I was just being really nice to him. He said that I was probably going to go and talk bad about him since I thought he was such a bad person. ' i told him i didnt think he was a bad person just an angry person and that I wasnt going to talk bad about him and that he taught me alot and I appreciated it' thinking it would end it on good or better terms. But of course he still continued to call me names in front of other person trying to embarrass me I guess. But whatever he has serious issues! Thanks for your replies!

WOW, these messages have brought tears to my eyes , people who have not dealt with this have no idea , why do we anwser the phone and why do we care what they think , I ask myself that after we hang up and I am so upset from yelling and trying to prove I am a good mom (I Know I am ) and that I am not just like my mother (If you knew her you would know that is an insult)Yet I stay on the phone and argue with him . I feel so tired and weak after the calls. How can he still do this to me .Do we need help? What is going to help us this is consuming my life !!!!!!!!! HELP PLEASE

I know what is working for me so for whatever it's worth, here is what I've been doing. I wake up, I read Daily Affirmations for Adult Children and Healing Your Inner Child, both by Hazelton. That gets the focus back on me rather than the usual racing thoughts I start out with usually involving him. Then I ask myself, what is the next thing that Mary needs (it could me going to the bathroom or washing my face, I need to break it down to that level). I want a cup of coffee, so I focus on that. If he comes in the kitchen while I'm getting my coffee, and I find my thoughts on him (does he want coffee, am I in the way, what did that inuendo mean etc.) I immediatley and without hesitation get my coffee sit down and drink it. I don't fill up the silence, I don't bite "the bait" (and we all know what that is for us) and I keep the focus on myself. He leaves the kitchen (often times he'll just stand there waiting for me to say something but no matter how uncomfortable, I Do Not Initiate). I'm not ignoring him, I say good morning, I'm not angry, I'm at peace. Eventually he'll leave, frustrated, and I relish in my glory and thank God for giving me the strength to not bite the PA bait. I feel absolutely giddy after that type of victory. Recently he left a tower of Christmas gifts on the table (his cue for me to take back to store, but didn't ask me to do it, which of course I would be happy to, if he was capable of asking a direct question). I didn't bite the bait, didn't take them back so he esculates the "message". It's so funny because the tower of gifts has changed from a tower, to sort of pyramid thing, to lying flat on the table. I've been using my new cell phone to take pictures of the daily structural changes...it's too funny!
These guys are psycho's that you will never, ever, and I mean NEVER be able to get thru to them to understand your position. They simply can't do it so try not to take it personally. The more you are defensive, the better they like it. You have just bitten an intentionally placed bait. They are intent on "winning". Stop helping him "win". Next time he comes at you with his abusive insults, maybe say "I'm sorry you feel that way"..PERIOD. No justification, no defending, nothing else. Then just sit back and enjoy the silence and do not try and fill the silence. Meet every insult with no resistance, just calm, your in control "I" statements. If he won't have a civil conversation, tell him "I'm feeling this conversation is abusive, I'm hanging up now". CLICK. You may have one victory a day, or a week, you may have 10 a day, whatever it is, pat yourself on the back because we taught them how to treat us for a long time, now we're taking back our power by putting ourselves first. They won't "change" but they will change their reaction to us. In any event, no matter what, we put ourselves first. We are not doormats. My mom used to say "if you don't like the footprints on your back, stand up".
You can do it girl!!!

Yes, he obviously has a big problem... and NO you shouldn't care what he thinks.

But....

Just because "its his problem" doesn't mean that you don't also (potentially) have a problem, too. Its all to easy to try to write it off as "his problem" and to avoid and ignore whatever might be truly underlying. The question is... is there any part of you that agrees with him... on any small level... when he calls you a slut? (Keep in mind, even if you did find that part of you feared this or agreed with this, that doesn't mean you would actually BE a slut). IF there is a part of you that resonates with that possibility, you can only disarm it and fully release it as "his problem" by resolving whatever inner conflict you may have with yourself over how you view your past sexual decisions. "Sluttiness" isn't something that is really measurably... its highly based on opinion, and holds a negative connotation about sexuality. You could have theoretically had sex with 50 people and not view yourself as a slut, where someone else could worry that maybe they are slutty after having sex with a small handful of people. Its really about your attitude toward sexuality and your feelings about the decisions you've made. You mentioned that you have some regrets... just don't beat yourself up over them... put them to work FOR You as you examine and reexplore what your priorities and ethics are regarding your sexuality. Some people feel like sluts just because they have dared to enjoy sex and had been trained to believe that sex was dirty. Establishing for yourself your own terms about sex, and having a healthy outlook and a confidence in your own decision making has much more power to diffuse the daggers he throws than any amount of people trying to reaffirm that you aren't a slut and that its his problem.

but on a more basic note... your likely to be able to sort through this and ALL of your feelings as you remove contact with him from your life. But still.... even if he never spoke to you again, he has planted this seed, and you have to empower yourself to identify how it fits in your garden, and to pluck out the weeds! I often say, when someone throws poop at you, you have the choice to use it as fertilizer.

be gentle with yourself.

No i do not feel like I am a slut. I actually feel pretty good about myself. He does bring me down still sometimes though. I have done some regretable things just like im sure everyone has. But i don't think my regrets or anything I have done in the past should define who I am. I feel like he brings me down to allow him to take the focus off of his own regrets or failures. But I just want him to understand that..... or just understand that just because I have done a few dumb things doesnt mean I am what he says I am. He has done PLENTY of bad things in the relationship. He cheated SEVERAL times, i never cheated. He shouldnt be calling me out. What I did was before I knew him not while I was with him like he did. But I can say him treating me like this is just motivating me to continue to be a better person. I say "its his problem" because he constantly causes fights. If he is mad at me then be mad but he doesnt have to be abusive!

I hear ya.
just be careful of this phrase which you used in #11 "But I just want him to understand that..... or just understand that just because I have done a few dumb things doesnt mean I am what he says I am" While i understanding 'wanting' him to understanding such things... its beyond your control, and he is not likely to ever give you the validation that you seek, around this or any other issue for that matter. YOU understanding it will have to be enough for you. Chances are, if he was capable of understanding such things, he also would be capable of being someone worthy of your time and less likely to be abusive. His inability or lack of understanding of such basic things is part of his abusive pathology.... You don't need to justify the 'worse' things that he did during the relationship to negate the choices that you made before you knew him. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Just be careful. While he may be 'causing' the fights, if he is successful at bringing you in to engage in them, then he is demonstrating his power just by sucking you in. And while I understand the notion that if he is mad he should just be able to be mad but he "doesn't have to be abusive"... ideally, true. But in every practical sense, irrelevant. My mama often says "don't should on me" He is who he is, and he is doing what he knows to do. Discussing what he should do wastes energy and shifts your focus off of what you should do. And only you can decide what you should do. I do hope that you will get yourself away from his toxic influence, for your sake. Expect him to continue being exactly who he has proven himself to be.

I remember when I was going through the abuse that it really got to me what he said about me. I used to drive myself nuts about his name calling....maybe even starting to believe it myself. It hurt a lot. When I finally had the courage to go to court and get him out of my life, I then worried about what he was telling his family etc and what they thought about me too. Over time, I have learnt that HIS opinions, and that of his families were not important to me. he even spent a night (drunk obviously)ringing MY friends and told them a load of lies.....but they had the foresight to tell me or my family what he was doing and it only served to prove what an asshole he was!

AS you have already stated Meg, he is only trying to take the focus away from his own wrong doings. Hold your head up high Meg, oh and maybe consider changing your phone numbers so he cant contact you.

Take care..xx

No contact is the best and recommended course of action. He needs to demean and create chaos, let him do it elsewhere not on your soul and psyche. Hugs to you...

Congratulation for breaking it off with your ex.
I just wanted to give you some advice. His behavior is the same as my ex. He would call me 20 times a day one right after another just to yell at me, call me names. A lot of it was because he was upset I stopped seeing him. He didn't really want to let go. He is sick. Some advice is to change your number. If you don't want to do that then put a restraining order on him since he has no right to call you and harrass you. My ex would do this and then I found out he was following me around and I don't know for how long and who knows what else he was doing that I didn't know about. He was trying to still control me and everything I did even though I did not want to see him again. I don't want to scare you but this is a sickness your ex has and he may not stop for a while unless you ignore him and take other actions to get him to leave you alone. You need to be firm in letting him know you don't want any contact with him at all. Otherwise if you talk to him just for a short time he may think he has another chance to get with you again in the future. Show him signs to stay away from you. I hope this helps. Take care.