I can't offer help, but in some ways, your sisters relationship sounds like mine. Unfortunately, it takes a toll and the gentle, loving, compassionate person you were can be poisened into something else as you and your soul disappear.

I am looking forward to answers as my H doesn't think we have a problem, I'm way to sensitive and have no sense of humor anymore. To be ridiculed at having emotion even at a movie is ridiculous and I am sick of this.

Sorry, little rant.

Statistically,

Clinical Pyschology Review: Does Batterer Treatment Work?

" the current interventions have a minimal impact on reducing recidivism beyond the effect of being arrested."

However,

"Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives."

Get The Facts
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

I have often wondered that myself and have conducted internet searches to see if there are any ways to help "heal" the person. All I ever saw were things saying LEAVE now, (yada, yada, yada).

I CAN tell you that it is a difficult proposition and the other person has to recognize that he HAS a problem which it seems they seldom do.

Lately, I've found that things such as spending time together outside (skiing, skating, walking, et ceter) and having fun (including laughing) can be very therapeutic as can watching funny movies. I really don't think these people (abusers) even have a CLUE as to how damaging their behavior is. The stronger I get, the less tolerant I am of the name-calling, bullying, throwing things (the list goes on).

Bottom line: I do feel strongly that healing can occur (and they can improve), but I think it probably doesn't happen very often because they've developed these behaviors/defense mechanisms for a reason. It is painful for them to live as normal people I think. They have never had a normal childhood and are unaware of what a "healthy relationship" feels like.

That's all I can add...

I agree that abusers never had normal childhoods and do not know how to be in a normal relationship. I think they've seen their Dad's abuse and think that it's normal. I agree that they have to admit there is a problem first but even doing that doesn't always mean he will ever get better. Your looking at someone who has lived that life for 20+ years, you can't change that over night. I think it's a LONG road and they have to be determined to make changes themselves in order for it to work. There has to be a few success cases, it can't be all bad but I think it's a very hard road to walk down and most men don't have the guts to stick to it. I wish your sister all the best and I hope her husband is one of the successful cases!!!

Soulgone,

Dear God - that sounds like my wife - she has called me nieve, a woos, too trusting, too kind to people, and has yelled at me a number of times...

God bless you and your sister I will keep you in my prayers.
--K

my mother was extremely abusive to me and my sister for about 5-6 years when we were younger.

Now years later after an experience with child protective services and many ups and downs both have a pretty good relationship with my mother. You wouldn't even believe it was the same person.

I think that makes the healing process a bit more confusing but through this experience i do believe in my heart that someone with enough motivation can change and be a better person...it doesn't take the old pain away but it does help a little

They have gotten positive reinforcement all their lives for being strong, being manly, being tough. Remember that these men can also be charming and sweet. Of course that is only when it suits them, but it doesn't mean that those emotions do not exist in them. The difference is that they feel entitiled to power and control. Their lives and our society teach men to be strong, but these guys take it way too far.

I can't bring myself to say that no man anywhere who has ever abused a woman will ever change. But recidivism rates are breathtakingly high, batterers intervention generally just teaches them new ways to get around us, anger management never even touches the issues. They come dangerously close to being psychotic. They just do not think they are wrong and feel put upon when questioned.

Your sister's husband doesn't think anything he does is wrong. She can tell him he is wrong all day long and it isn't going to make one bit of difference to him. He sees her gentleness and kindness as weakness. The longer she stays in this environment eventually she will start to believe him and the sweet gentle sister you love now will be one of 2 things. Either a stone cold abusive bitch or a quivering mass of open wounds constantly awash in tears and insecurity.

my abuser "tried" turning his life around after he abused me he then started being all nicey nice buying me stuff i knew he was only trying 2 buy my trust back but he he woz dumb enough 2 buy me things im a girl i like things im not gonna say no lol

Can abusers change? Yes we can.

The key here is that the abuser must WANT to change for his/her OWN sake and not for the sake of saving a relationship. Doing it for any other reason than that of changing his/her own life is the wrong motivation IMO.

It'll take a LOT of work. A LOT of admission. A LONG time. And a lifetime commitment to working on it daily!

Have a look at my journal and you'll see that there IS hope... But it takes work!

Blessings to you,
Phoenix

I have seen a man who hit his wife stop hitting but he found other abusive behavior instead and if she complained he would say ,Hey at least Im not hitting you any more ...I think it would depend on if the abuser has awarness and on why they abuse .Some people are just jerks and nothing will change that .I thought my ex had changed after I left him ,he got sober and got a new wife and seemed to have turned it all around .But then his wife left him and the cracks started to show ,it was all an act.

I have read that fewer than 8% of abusers who seek help actually change...I can't remember the reference, it could have been from "Why Does He Do That" or The Verbally Abusive Relationship" or it could have been a quote on a post here, it could even have been on Wikipedia (look up How to get out of an abusive relationship)...But it was a researched quote.

So I would answer you that in most cases no, an abuser will not stop. But there are miracle cases...Phoenix...

God bless you for trying to help, and God bless your sister for trying to cope...

my husband stopped for 6 years. then he started using drugs again..

in case anyone was wondering

Recidivism (IPA: [???s?d?v?zm?]; from recidive + ism, from Latin recid?vus "recurring", from re- "back" + cad? "I fall") is the act of a person repeating an undesirable behavior after they have either experienced negative consequences of that behavior, or have been treated or trained to extinguish that behavior. The term is most frequently used in conjunction with substance abuse and criminal behavior. For example, scientific literature may refer to the recidivism of sexual offenders, meaning the frequency with which they are detected or apprehended committing additional sexual crimes after being released from prison for similar crimes. (If to be counted as recidivism the re-offending requires voluntary disclosure or arrest and conviction, the real recidivism rate may differ substantially from reported rates.) As another example, alcoholic recidivism might refer to the proportion of people who, after successful treatment, report having, or are determined to have, returned to the abuse of alcohol.

I've been separated from my verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive husband for three years. (11 yr relationship) For five years I begged him to get help. We had 4 kids (2 his 2 mine) and a lot of Xs and emotional baggage. After years of therapy, Al anon, group therapy, workshops, reading books and anything else you can think of I left. I had to for my sanity. This guy just refused to get help and he just couldnt see how his behavior effected me or anyone else, nor could he see what other people were up against when dealing with him. To this day, even though he has changed some of his behaviors, hes pretty much the same. He has apologized, begged, cried etc. He has said I know I made terrible mistakes and that I screwed things up I know I have a problem with my anger I feel terrible and embarrassed about what I did BUT I didnt feel respected BUT I didnt feel like I mattered and my personal favorite is I think the Main problem was that I dont know how to ask to get my needs met. While I do believe that this is an issue I dont believe that it was the core issue. The bottom line for me is that he continued to validate and excuse his behavior. It was always someone elses fault. He continues to be a victim, drink and is emotionally unstable. Unless an abuser can take that first step and say I have a problem with no buts, I feel there is little hope. The thing about confronting someone who offends from the victim position is that there are no bottles to wave in the air, no needles, No gambling debt etc. to hold up and say See, what say you? Its there verbal onslaught against the feeble voice of an abuse target. And even then it takes tremendous commitment to stay the course and to really be willing to look at ones own insides. It takes years of work and is a life long process and effort. Also I think anybody who is smart and clever can do some reading go to a few counseling sessions, a group or two and start talking the talk. (manipulation) Beware of the smart ones. The question is can they walk the walk? And life is always a little easier and daily issues easier when we arent struggling to meld our lives with someone else. The true test for someone who is in recovery as an abuser is being in a relationship and they should not be in one for at least the first year. After being at the receiving end of abuse for so long I would give very little weight to someone who has been in recovery for a matter of weeks and is suddenly an expert. So to answer the original question Id have to weigh in as slim to none. There are exceptions to every rule but not that many. I have to say that the best thing for someone to do in an abusive relationship is to get help for themselves and learn what their role is and figure out how to start taking their power back and pull up their functioning. It is true that, like a mobile, if one family member shifts their functioning then the whole family will shift. The spouse will be forced to pull up his/her functioning or fall on their face. The important thing to remember though is that there are varying degrees of abuse and sometimes changing our own selves and perceptions is not enough to make a situation livable. Sometimes one leave especially if children are involved.

In response to your question "Do Abusers Ever Stop"? Research concludes that abusers don't, cannot stop unless they recognize that they are abusers, which most abusers don't want to admit. I suggest that you read the book entitled "Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft to gain more inside about the way the minds of controlling men are. Internal peace, health and love