Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Particularly with a family member, when you go no contact do you explain why? Do you tell them why you are no longer going to be answering their phone calls or emails?
Part of me feels a strong need to tell them what they have done, and part of me thinks why bother? It's not like they're going to change. So I wonder if the part of me that wants to say something is still grieving and hoping for a better relationship that's not going to exist.
In my case, the toxic person is my mother, and I waver in part because we have so many other people 'in common.' (my dad, my siblings, aunts and uncles and so on.) I know she'll tell them horrible stories about how I abandoned her.
Part of me feels a strong need to tell them what they have done, and part of me thinks why bother? It's not like they're going to change. So I wonder if the part of me that wants to say something is still grieving and hoping for a better relationship that's not going to exist.
In my case, the toxic person is my mother, and I waver in part because we have so many other people 'in common.' (my dad, my siblings, aunts and uncles and so on.) I know she'll tell them horrible stories about how I abandoned her.
between saying nothing
and saying everthing.
It's true that "explaining"
to her that she's been
abusive will make her
change for the better.
And no matter what you
do, she's going to say
bad things about you
to others.
Before going No Contact
I'd tell her:
Our connection has
always been a painful
one for me. So from
now on, our contact
will be considerably
decreased.
And that's all I'd say
to her. To others,
I'd say something
very similar.
Non-supporters won't
believe details about
abuse. If you know
someone would
believe what you
share, than say
what you want.
My mother was
an abusive narcissist.
She's been goine
nineteen years this
month. When she
died, I didn't know
what I know now.
But if I had it all to
do over, that's the
way I might have
handled it. As it
was, I was the
last person to
speak with her
while she lived.
I was the one
there for her. I
don't regret that.
But not long after
that, I went totally
No Contact with
my only sibling.
There was no
need for an
explanation.
That, too, is long
ago now. It stands
as the beginning of
my recovery.
How to do it without making it more adversarial? Just gently say that you feel the need to take a step back for a little while. The ole, "It's not you; it's me" line.
If she rats you out to other family members, who cares? If they believe her, then they are just as toxic. But if they are normal, they may admire your strength and even support you and be inspired to do the same. Who knows- you may even want to give the others the heads up... or not. Only you know them.
The kinds of reasons you could give without lying are:
-I really need to work on myself and that means taking a step back
-I need to concentrate on some personal issues right now, so I won't be as available
-I have other areas right now that need some attention and I can't have the distraction of our relationship right now.
I'd also suggest putting a time limit on it and then try it in another month or two, just to see. That might make it more palatable. Like if you say, "I'm having a difficult time with the holidays right now and really need to isolate myself for a few weeks, but I'd like to touch base in the new year." I know that will come off a lot better than just "breaking up" with your mom for an undisclosed amount of time. Then, you can just touch base with her say, January 15th just to check in and see how she is. Maybe she'll learn to just keep it light and fluffy. If not, then just say, "Okay, Mom. I gotta get going. I'll check back with you in a few more weeks."
That way, you can always say you tried, but without having ANY hope.
I had to do that, too. It's a nice middle ground. There's a word for this tactic, but I can't think of it right now... But that's my thoughts.
(I generally read
over what I've written
and obviouisly should
have.)
The second paragraph
should have read:
It's true that "explaining"
to her that she's been
abusive WON'T make her
change for the better.
Sorry!!!!!!
Explaining is like asking for permission. Also, it gives the abuser more info about things that are 'hooks" into being able to abuse you further.
You have the right to just stop allowing someone else to continue to abuse you. Just walk away.
I recently read an good article about abuse of adult children. It is from a christian based site. But it does not seem overly preachy to me. And some of the other articles about forgiveness and most of us have it wrong, and honoring parents are pretty spot on to help understand moving forward with abusive parents.
http://www.luke173ministries.org/466753
THis is the talk about abuse of adult children is an accepted for of abuse to this day. If it seems helpful, the sidebar has many others. I tend to ignore the stuff that does not apply to me. and use what helps
Before you decide, take time to reflect on your past efforts to minimize her abuse.
How many times have you told her and/or your family how her actions affect you?
Has it done any good?
Who has been truly supportive to you in the past?
Do you really think anything you say will affect a change in her and/or your family members?
How will continued contact w/her and toxic family members affect you?
The answers to these questions should give you some insight, at least in part, as to what to expect when you go No Contact. (But you still have to be prepared for the unexpected, in that she may end up manipulating everyone in the family into believing her.)
If you decide to tell her and/or the family, you might write out a single sentence explaining what you're doing (as Ilene suggested) and why. For example, you could take what Ilene said and add w/something like
"Because of the way you continue to mistreat me, our connection has always been a painful one for me. So from now on, our contact
will be considerably decreased. (or there will be no more contact. or whatever you decide on doing or not doing.)"
Should you decide to tell her, I'd suggest emailing her & then blocking her. so you don't have to deal w/any more abuse.
I also agree w/Sarrah that you will probably have to go No Contact w/anyone who buys into her abusive 'side of her story.'
I'm so sorry you have to make this difficult decision.
~healing hugs~
Other family will also most likely respond in whatever way they will regardless of what you do because I would imagine they are already aware of these issues and have settled into their response.
This is just an idea, but you might consider that a way to protect yourself from blow-back is by telling your extended family the sentence that Ilene and MTC have suggested you write first, then your mom, and don't tell your mom you have told them. That way, hopefully there is some reasonableness in their minds and it may insulate them from your mother's lies. I do not suggest going into details about why you came to this decision except to say that your contact with her has been very painful for you because if you give specifics, that is like giving people the chance to judge you and your experience, which will most likely lead to invalidation, unless your family are considerably different than most I've heard of and there is someone who is very understanding in the group. Although, a word of caution, the person you think who might be most understanding could also be a total disappointment in that regard, as I have found out.
Hugs and best wishes to you in your journey. In a word of encouragement, I found great relief in going no contact with my abusive mother and father. It was difficult, and sad, but has brought great healing.
So as far as I'm concerned, you don't really owe anyone an explanation. If you feel strongly enough that you "owe" your mother an explanation for no contact, by all means do it. Also as far as I'm concerned, if she has been that toxic to you, then it's not 'abandonment". I hope this helps.