For awhile I felt stupid. I kept feeding my ex excuses for his own behavior ("maybe you do this because money and your relationship with your family stress you out?") yet I ignored all the signs that he was punishing ME for his poor feelings. I thought I could "change" his angry side through positive reinforcement, and I bought all his excuses instead of trusting my own concerns. I knew the story of The Woman and the Snake (if you don't know it, look it up, it's a quick read and a favorite of mine), yet for whatever reason, I allowed myself to believe it didn't apply to my situation.

But the more I forgive myself for not knowing then, when I was with him, the more I teach myself to make better decisions in the future. The more I acknowledge that I can learn from my mistakes (such as choosing an abusive partner) the less stupid I feel.

Intelligence isn't about making the best decisions; It's about learning from the bad ones.

Yes I can relate to feeling like that, like I have been made a mug of. But actually you trying to work things out is what a loving person does. He took advantage. Replace 'stupid' with 'loving and good' because had he not abused you then you wouldn't be labelling yourself as stupid, it wouldn't cross your mind. Actually you were bright enough to finally see past the crap and acknowledge it for what it is, despite the fog which is so common. This is the time to love yourself, not berrate yourself x

I didn't feel stupid.
First I felt crazy.
Then I felt overwhelmed.
Then I felt total despair.
Then I felt suicidal.

The first couple counselor
told us we needed to
get out on a date, and
she wouldn't see us
again till we had one.
So instead of our weekly
session, we went down
the street to a bar, where
we sat, drinking in silence.

The second counselor
knew there was something
amiss with my husband, but
for all his niceness and PhD
credentials, couldn't get a
handle on what to do about it.

The third one had a degree
upon which the ink was
barely dry. She was
well-meaning but
caused me more
damage than
healing. It was
at the third couple
counseling that I
realized the educational
system through which
all three counselors
had matriculated,
hadn't provided them
with the most minimal
clue(s) about how to
intervene in an
abusive relationship.

(And I'm sorry, but I
have to advise against
seeing most pastoral
counselors, in particular. . .
who lack not only the
specifics of the dynamics
of abuse, but who
generally don't get even
minimal training in fundamental
psychological topics.)

Anyone in an intimate relationship
who feels something is wrong
(and I should also include any
other type of interpersonal
connection), would do well
to listen to what their mind
and body is tellling them.

We can't go wrong by being
the best person we're capable
of being. But if we do that and
still feel unhappy, the relationship
has to be examined for its
functionality/toxicity.

First of all, you are not stupid and I'm glad you recognize that. This is the first post that I have read of yours so I was hoping you could explain your circumstances to us that don't know your back story so we are able to support you better and be here for you! Hugs GB

I still on occasion feel stupid-not stupid so much as find myself in a state of disbelief that I didn't see what situation I was in, and that I stayed in it for so long.

I knew I was unhappy for a very long time, and at the end I knew I had some psychological issues. I was having panic attacks, generalized anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, depression. But I never put that together with abuse. Even though I was afraid of him, afraid that if I tried to divorce him he might try and kill me-I STILL never put it together. When I look at that and other things, I think HOW COULD I HAVE NOT REALIZED HOW WRONG THIS SITUATION WAS?!? I just thought, divorce causes a lot of stress and people act in crazy ways you'd never expect in a divorce-it never occurred to me that thinking you're ex husband might kill you in a divorce might not be so normal of a situation.

It took YEARS for me to "get it" even after I got divorced. I know that after my bf and I got together, I read him an email my ex sent and he said "You're ex is abusive." Someone said it-point blank-still didn't register. I just thought that was what protective new boyfriends said when they read emails from ex-husband's that were nasty-I didn't get that he meant literally I was being abused the same way someone is abused when they were hit.

I was reading about panic attacks and PTSD on the internet. I was reading about how emotional, physical, sexual abuse can cause these issues and there was a link to abuse I clicked on. When I read about emotional abuse, a list of behaviors, and m ex had exhibited almost every single one of them. That's when it finally clicked. And EVEN THEN it took me years to figure out the connections between what I experienced and issues I was still having in my life. One day I noticed when I would get an email from my ex I'd pretty much immediately have a panic attack. That's when I started seeing all the connections, all the patterns, and it was pervasive in my life. I finally really and truly understood how serious emotional abuse really was.

Abuse causes a fog, it creates learned helplessness, it makes you doubt yourself, it makes you feel crazy, and SO SO many people all around you, even well meaning, loving people inadvertently and sometimes purposefully confirm this for you. I did not find how serious emotional abuse was because I was a bitter, fragile, angry, person who couldn't let go of a crappy relationship. I found out because as much as I tried to act like it was nothing my denial and minimization didn't stop it from having an effect on my day to day life and functioning. I couldn't ignore it if I wanted to be who I really was and reach the potential I was being to see in myself.

I tell myself, not knowing it and seeing it, having gotten into the situation is complex, and I did the best I could for what I knew and understood at the time. I am a firm believer that people can't handle truths before they are ready to, and that is okay. I won't place simple, black and white value judgments like "stupid" or "smart" on something so multifaceted and complicated as abuse. Not anymore. It's the value judgments that make it hard it to deal with and heal. Otherwise is just is what it is, something I need to overcome and I know I have to tools to do it with time.

I have felt stupid so many times I can't count - for going back to him again and again to end up in the same situation again. I also feel like if I ever go back with him again I will be an idiot. I have feelings of shame.

It's like looking in a mirror right now, I am right there with you on this one.

BUT, if FEELS that way, it's not reality. We are not stupid, we just have a bunch of assholes, tugging at our heart strings, financial strings, low self esteem strings, that we need to hear exactly what they say at the exact time they say it, and we want to believe it, but it's all an illusion.

Mine just lied to me for the last time yesterday, I am so done!!!!

When you get so sick and tired of being sick and tired, your gonna change your mind, something in you is going to turn, and your never gonna look back. Took me about 4 months!!!

Yes IleneW is right, I took a course on PEP Personal Empowerment Program and she said basically, if something doesn't sit right with you, something is not right. Don't 2nd guess yourself, that's your instinct saying "GET AWAY".

Listen to your instincts. If a building is on fire, and your gut tells you to run for your life, are you gonna stand there and wait for the building to fall? Wow, I just thought of that, and that's what I have done.

When you see it, it's gonna be like a light bulb going off in your head.

Abusers play a lot of mind games on people, gaslight ect...they like to act *stupid* hence confuse the person who is being abused making you feel I don't know if stupid is the word but very confused like you're in the twilight zone everything seems surreal. ..

Oh wow, society has a big hand in all of this too! It's sad. Others have said that loving someone and doing your best for them is good, and I agree. It's hard to see through abuse, especially with all the messages from society that you experienced. Good for you for seeing through!

Yes I have felt stupid -- mostly for not listening to my own voice when everyone else said other things. But now when I am so committed to honouring my feelings and not doubting myself, it's amazing how many people do try to get you to question. It's almost like the stronger I am, the more people will try to break that. And what I think this means is that people just aren't used to people being true to their convictions because a lot of people these days will go for whatever is easiest or fastest. Hence, others start to doubt someone with a longterm strategy, someone who is not afraid to wait...

So what am I saying really? hahah Well, don't feel stupid. And I agree with the others. See it as a conviction in yourself that you should honour your feelings and instincts because they will guide you!

I went through a very large portion of my life (childhood through early adult years) being made to feel as though the abuse I was subjected to was somehow my fault. Through much of middle school and high school I had come to believe that I must have some invisible trait that couldn't been seen or changed by me that made so many people abuse me and somehow justified the abuse. (Despite much of the abuse being done in front of others nobody ever stepped in and tried to stop it or tell the abusers that what they were doing wasn't right.)

Now as a grown adult I can't even talk about the abuse I endured since most people still seem to strongly disapprove of saying my abusers were even capable of abuse or that what they did was wrong. Even here on DS I haven't been able to discuss it without other users becoming offended or hostile for discussing it.

It's horrible being made to feel like worthless trash for wanting to escape the abuse or seeing it for what it really has been all these years.

Thank you everyone!

I go through phases, and I think right now is just the "how did I let this happen?" phase.

I'll probably pick something else to be upset about soon, until I process it all.

SleepyWalrus: I hope you get to a place where you can talk about the abuse with someone.

GB:The story is really long. My husband is very intelligent. He manipulates lies and is very subtle. He only does it when he knows he wont get caught. Hes very good at working in the gray area. He was never physically violent, or threatening.

Basically it always felt like something was wrong and no matter how many times I tried to talk to my husband about it and work it out, there was always some really great excuse for what he was doing.

In marriage counseling I was told how wrong I was, and if I disagreed with the counselor I looked like I wasnt cooperating. Do you know what it looks like when you say I quit marriage counseling with several counselors because I didnt agree with what they were telling me? It makes it look like I am the one causing the marital problems and not wanting to work things out. A lot of what I was told in counseling would have made a lot of sense if it were not an abusive relationship.

Whats worse is when I applied what I was told in marriage counseling, it workedfor a little bit. For long enough to convince me everything was okay and I was wrong the whole time. Then slowly the same problems would emerge again repackaged as completely different problems.

I read Bancrofts book Why does he do that? and it all became clear. Its definitely abuse.

The concept that this is something called emotional abuse and its a real thing was so foreign to me, but now that I see it, I look back over the years and I am shocked I didnt see it before.

Anyway, I guess I am having a hard time not feeling humiliated that this has gone on for so long.

You are anything but stupid. You just didn't know any better...We can all be guilty of that...However, we are not the ones who have abused...And our abuse is never our fault. You were talking to, and listening to others who don't know the first thing about domestic violence. Learn how to take care of yourself. Again...abusers brain wash us into thinking we are stupid...that's just a typical tactic they use so they can keep control of us. Don't listen to people who want to hurt you on purpose.