Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Bamamom214 04/03/2008

I am married for the second time to a man that I thought was wonderful. We have been married for 2 years. He has a 8 year old daughter from a previous marriage and I have 3 daughters and 2 sons also from a previous marriage. During the past 2 years I have went through being hit, choked, raped, threatened, and being put down. I have listened to him scream so much I hear it in my sleep. I left him over a month ago and pressed charges for his latest threats which was to kill me if I ever left him. There was so much more that happened in that last two days that I was there that most of it is a blur. He already knew all the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that I went through growing up and I guess he didn't really care. In the last month I have talked to him on the phone and in person a few times. I have learned that after I pressed charges he went to the doctor and is now being treated for being bipolar and for anxiety. He keeps telling me that if I continue with these charges that I won't be hurting him I will be hurting his daughter as well because then she won't get to see him. I love this little girl and I would never do anything to hurt her. It's for her that I am even considering dropping the charges. I know how much she loves him. Someone help please. What do I do because it seems like either way someone is going to get hurt? Don't get me wrong no matter what I am not going back. I just want my divorce. To prove that point I even moved out of the county and since he has no car there is no way for him to come here. Not only that but he really has no clue where I am.

Loved1 04/03/2008

I think a child needs to see her caretaker show her what is right and wrong by actions.
Would you want her to grow up and go through the same thing and let the other person not have any consequences for their actions?
Blame is something that is abusive. It is not your fault he has consequences.
You are doing the right thing to press charges. Please contact a domestic violence agency for counseling, I think you would find alot of healing and comfort and help there.
HUG

Bamamom214 04/03/2008

thanks for your response. he really doesn't have anything to do with her. I just don't want to hurt her anymore than what she has already been through. she has already had to deal with her dad being in prison twice because of drugs( which is before me and over drugs) not only that but in the past 2 years she has lost both of her great grandparents and her great uncle. I just don't want to hurt her anymore than she has already been hurt.

deleted_user 04/03/2008

You need to put yourself first. You are important, do what is right for you. Hugs.

jimmysquirrel 04/03/2008

i only have a few minutes, but here goes.
He is trying to make it your fault that he is now being prosecuted... not the fact that he did these horrible things, but by the fact that you are not accepting of his despicable acts. By him pleading with you and saying that if you pursue this, YOU are hurting his child... let us forget all about the horrible things that he has done. He still can not accept that anything is his fault, and if you let him off the hook, he will just repeat the cycle all over again.

Bamamom214 04/03/2008

I understand where everyone is coming from but I am scared that if I continue with this that this little girl that I have known and loved for 4 years is going to hate me for the rest of her life and I know her father isn't abusive to her and I don't want her to think that her father could possibly do the things that he has done. Right now she lives a sheltered life. Her mother and Grandmother don't even let her watch cartoons with violence in them so no matter what if I continue with these charges shes going to blame me for it. Her father is the real love of her life. I just don't know what to do. He is seeking help and is on meds and so far still has a grip on his temper but how long is that going to last?

deleted_user 04/03/2008

He can't be the love of her life when he's not loving to you or others.
When she gets older, he may extend his abusive behavior to her and then she'll be entrenched.
The guilt of pressing charges means you are victimized TWICE. You may get calls from his attorney telling you that if he goes to jail, you'll be financially ruined and so will the children, or they may say that he's medicated now and turning a new leaf.

If all of this is killing you inside, call the vicim advocate. Let him take responsibility for what he's done. And, if he truly is on to new living, let him take the time to show you, not tell you.
From my own experience, I can only say that you must not have contact with him because you're too vulnerable to watch the consequences he must endure.
With a history like that, it will be substantial.
Do for the children what you can't do for yourself and stay away!!!

Bamamom214 04/03/2008

I just can't figure out why this all hurts so much or why I really do still care about him. I am trying to move on with my life and have met a really wonderful man that is there when I need someone to talk to but I just can't trust anyone with my heart anymore.

deleted_user 04/03/2008

This man threatened to kill you if you left him. Please get help for yourself and protect your children.

Bamamom214 04/03/2008

My children have nothing to do with him. My ex-husband got custody of them in our divorce. As for his daughter her mother has custody of her so basically it was always just me and him.

deleted_user 04/03/2008

I have been in your shoes and have recanted my charges - last year when I pressed the rape charges the crown told me that I wasn't a credible witness and that he was concerned about my recanting again. I needed the support of the prosecutor and received none. My life since has been a living hell, full of my abuser's lies and two more rapes, choaking me and smothering me with a pillow until I passed out. Last week he breached his no contact and hit me, threatened to kill me all the stuff - and reminded me that the cops would take 10 min. to get out here, and that he would be long gone and have his buddy lie for him, so there you have it..You are doing right by this little girl. You are not hurting her at all, you are standing up - proclaiming this behavior wrong and teaching her something valuable. Her father will also be harmed if you don't stick to your guns. He will be getting the treatment and councelling he needs and deserves. You will be doing all you can to provide apropriate care for them both.

Bamamom214 04/03/2008

Thanks I know you are right. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty. I haven't done anything wrong but I feel as though I didn't try hard enough or I could have helped him somehow.

deleted_user 04/03/2008

I was wondering...is his daughter in danger? Yes! divorce him but ask the lawyer if there's a way to save his daughter. I'm sorry you have to go through this but take some deep breaths and do the right thing. You'll feel stronger for it. You could get a child advocacy group to help maybe. This is a lot for you to take on though. We've all had family problems. Stay grounded. Your not alone. God with with you too.

deleted_user 04/03/2008

I hurt for you. I, along with a friend of mine, both went through situations last year where we were smooth-talked, promised changes, and fully convinced that we were loved SO much that we simply couldn't press charges. And BOTH of us got burned. Neither man is in prison where they belong, and in fact they are both laughing in their easy chairs that they tricked us with their false promises and loving proclamations. In fact, I was told that his son (also living with his mother) would have to grow up without his father and how could I do that to that poor little boy. But his mother told me to go for it. I didn't, and now I'm scared that as the boys grows, he will do the same to him, which is horrible because they will be ALONE. Please consider the long run for both yourself AND his daughter. It is painful for her to deal with her father's imprisonment, but it would be a tragedy if he did the same things to HER. Let your love for her lead you to the right decision. He should be PUNISHED, regardless of his behavior now. I agree that you should NEVER talk to him again. Call your new friend when you feel the urge. You are strong, or you wouldn't be where you are now! I'm proud of you! You are doing the right thing, which is for EVERYONE to be protected from him!

deleted_user 04/03/2008

If you have read any of my posts here, you know where I stand on this issue. If you drop charges, you are sending two messages, one to him and one to his daughter. The message is the same to each - you didn't mean what you said when you had him arrested. Did you? If you stand your ground and go through with this, you will feel LESS guilty than if you drop the charges and then spend the rest of your life regretting it, because like others have said you have sent the message that he can get away with it.

YOU ARE RIGHT in what you are doing. Sometimes it comes down to two choices, a bad one and a worse one. I don't envy your position, but I implore you to stay strong. Once you drop the charges, your credibility will be compromised if he were ever to do anything to you again. If you drop the charges he tells his buddies that you lied just to get to him. If you drop the charges, he is free to do this to someone else. He needs to be held accountable. I know it hurts. When I left my ex, it hurt me terribly that I also had to divorce HIS family, because I really loved them. I just figured that if they ended up believing him and his lies about me that it showed more of their character than mine.

I understand your attachment to your stepdaughter. It may be that she will be angry at you for a long time, but the other side of the coin has so many more down sides, that if you take the time to consider them I think your choice will be more clear. Sometimes we have to make that sacrifice.

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