Welcome, altho, I'm sorry you find yourself having to be here.

I learned the hard way that a 'functioning' alcoholic not much more than someone who can get up and go to work every day. They may function on other levels, but their emotional 'IQ' was stunted approximately at the age they started drinking. Their level of 'functionality' is more measured by the degree of dysfunctionality. Sad but true. That's because their brains are controlled by the substance. Even AA has an acronym for this. It's called BADs Bad Alcoholic Decisions. Alcohol kills brain cells, so the longer they've been drinking, the more dead space in the gray matter.

The fact that he's being so uncooperative is typical of alcoholic behavior. They want what they want when they want it. Going to AA can help, but it's not a 'cure.' Especially if he's been drinking for a long time. And I would guess that you're not seeing any positive behavioral changes.

I don't advise joint counseling w/an alcoholic, especially is he is so new the 'recovery.' (BTDT too many times w/no success - just more damage to me!)

Chances of him changing for the better (permanently) w/in the next year are slim to none. Even AA and most of the experts say it takes way longer. And, because he's been abusive, It will take him a L-O-N-G time - way more than a year or two for sure to make positive permanent changes. So putting the divorce on hold is probably only prolonging the inevitable.

Also, unless he gets proper treatment (which is hard to come by), even if he stays 'sober,' he will just be a 'dry drunk.' i.e. he will still have the same behaviors. That's because the alcohol is 10% of the problem. The other 90% is behavior. Behavior doesn't have a chance to change until the 10% has been totally stopped for good.

The best way to support him is to detach with love. That's what they teach in alanon. It's also the healthiest thing for you. Alcoholism makes everyone in the family sick. So I do advise individual counseling for you with a QUALIFIED therapist who not only understands the dynamics & affects of abuse, but also understands how addiction affects the addict and those who live w/them. In addition, the therapist needs to be trained in trauma recovery modalities.

As for the business, would it be possible for him to buy you out? I know this may sound like a crazy idea, but if this is dragging on and on and the lawyers are getting all the money, have you considered cutting your losses and just getting out of the marriage and the partnership altogether?


Having been where you are, and based on my training, the farther away from all related toxicity (i.e. him and being business partners with him), the better and healthier it is for you. I had no idea how much the ex's alcoholism had affected me. It's taken years of intense therapy to begin healing and find myself again.

It sounds like he plans to do whatever it takes to drag this on and on until he gets what he wants.

In addition to you seeing a qualified therapist, I suggest you consult with an independent attorney(s) and ask what your options are regarding divorce and the business.

Please do everything you can to take good care of yourself. This is a horribly stressful situation and just his alcoholism alone has taken a bigger toll on you that you probably realize.
~healing hugs~

Welcome to the forum.

MTC covered a lot of
essential point.

"""""""""""""""" Wants me to be part of business (as a partner) still. But said 'if you don't support my recovery we can't be business partners'. """"""""""""""""


This sounds manipulative
to me.

I'd strongly recommend that
he buy your share of the
business (or you buy out
HIS share).

Remaining business partners
enable him to stay connected
with you and this will not be
a good way for you to heal
and move on.

Whatever he does in
regards to his recovery
and well-being is HIS
business, not yours.

Sending you good thoughts
and wishes for healing
and better days ahead.

No reason you have to divorce now if you are legally separated, I'd think.

I'd be more worried about the business... do you care about it?

If you stay married, make sure you have some sort of legal document drawn up that protects your assets. I can tell you from experience that many alcoholics don't care about anything except themselves and will make really stupid and dumbass decisions when it comes to money.

And being married to him AND a partner in the business makes you automatically as LIABLE as he is, even if you don't do anything.

That's another reason why I suggest you consult an independdnt attorney who doesn't have anything to gain from you, your husband or your business.

Thanks for all your comments, advise. Yes, the business is our livelihood. It would be great if we can be separated and amicably work to run the business. I work out of our home. We aren't legally separated, I just have the exclusive rights to the house for now. My atty is proceeding. I can't delay long.

My atty said the I own 1/2 the business and 1/2 the debt. I've considered him buying me out. He says he can't, he is 'negotiating' this divorce. I know his tactics.

I am looking into mediated divorce. It's supposed to save money and we can negotiate what we want without the legal mess.

Thanks to All

Just be prepared to have him not cooperate w/the mediation for as long as he can. Chances are, he will take whatever tactics he deems necessary to wear you down in order to get what he wants.

Don't trust anything he says. And, even after, there's no guarantee that he will comply with whatever the legal terms of the divorce and property settlement are.

Remember that you're not only dealing w/an alcoholic whose brain & emotions are being run by the alcohol, but you're also dealing w/an abuser. That = a double whammy.

He has already thrown out the gauntlet by saying, "'if you don't support my recovery we can't be business partners'."

I have made my decision to proceed with the divorce and not put it on hold to give him another shot. Thanks to all your support. I needed a kick...I learned all this in my domestic violence class too. He is totally manipulating me and using the business, the kids anything to get back in. Like MTC said, we can get individual counseling, especially with abuse, it should be individual, my counselor said that last year.

Why do I keep falling for his schemes? I'm a softee and he knows. I keep wishing for that dream we had that will never be. I'm having lunch with my bff today :)

juli, its hard to give up the past, but harder to give up the future, the future you will never have with that _____

you are doing the right thing, stay strong, get well, live out the rest of your life in peace

god bless