Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So as you know. I found the courage to leave my abusive Husband back in July.
I am still emotional and crying some days, but not as much as I did. The last stunt he pulled on me telling me he thought I was a hooker when we met hurt me badly. I feel dirty and just want to wash and wash...
but anyway, I want to go no contact with him but I am scared. I know the limit of his wrath. I know how he can be when he feels wronged or slighted or even like he has not got control.
SO I find myself playing this game with him, pretending I want to be friends and being helpful about the stuff I have left in the house, replying to his emails and generally being a nice person. My instinct is to just delete everything he ever knew about how to contact me, to cut him off. But I am so worried about the repurcussions of that. Our divorce agreement was that he would pay me £500 a month for a year and it is all I have. SO I am worried he will stop doing that just to get me to contact him if I do. Or generally just cause trouble.
He sent me an email a few days ago now, saying 'lets get the Divorce sorted, its easier for me sorting everything out at the moment when I dont have you to worry about on top of everything else, but when I get better finances we can be friends even more.'
( I should explain, he got arrested for grooming/harassing a minor so lost his clearance to teach swimming to children. He is trying to clear his name.)
Im just getting confused here with mixed messages and his game playing... I want to take control of all this and cut him off but Im scared he will turn nasty.
What do you think? Am I being overly cautious?
The Scorpion and the Frog
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
Just because you are nice to him doesn't mean he won't turn on you. There are no guarantees with an abuser. They will do/say anything to keep stringing their 'source' along.
Have you considered asking for the year's worth of support to be paid up front? Then, after you've cashed the check, go Total No Contact.
~healing hugs~
I read somewhere that the 3 month mark is the danger zone. The time when we are most vulnerable to going back. I feel that. He won't have me back anyway and in my sensible head I don't want that, but there is still this pull…. and I hate it. I want to wash him off me, erase him. He doesn't deserve me I know.
Even tho you think you can't go No Contact with him, you can at least cut your interaction w/him. At this point asking him things is just going to feed him. It would help immensely if you you stop initiating any discussion with him. Let your attorney do that for you. And only have your attorney respond to him for you if he tries to initiate discussions.
As long as you feed him, he will continue to bait you. He'll make promises he has no intention of keeping. No good comes from continuing to interact with him. IF you're mostly hanging on because you need/want the support, it would be good to consider that even if legally mandated, he will withhold it and drag it out for more than a year. It might help to ask yourself if that's really worth it. I know I didn't think I could get along w/o the support, but it got yanked out from under me ONE WEEK after the divorce was final. It took me three years before I realized that I could live on what I did have w/o him or his money. I live on less than half of what we had together. My house is rented and less than 1/3 the size of the marital home. My income is less than half of what it was. But I make do and I am happy. Things do get better when we go No Contact. I had very limited contact w/him for several years. (The last time I contacted him was because he was in contempt of a court ordered action. He said he'd get it done & let me in "in a couple of days." That was TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO! The divorce has been final nine years. Just more proof that they never change.)
It took me way longer than the three years I mentioned to go Total No Contact. Going Total No Contact, practicing daily gratitude for what I do have and therapy have changed my life. It will change yours for the better as well. Daily gratitude helps us to focus on all that we do have. And we have way more than we realize. It's just that the constant abuse affects our brains and prevents us from seeing clearly.