Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been doing a lot of research on "How to divorce a narcissist". I'm actually glad the sites I've found don't sugar coat it. I think preparation and planning are key. I'm on a long term plan myself and hope to get to the point of filing this Fall.
I want to hear your stories, the good, the bad, the ugly. Did you get what you wanted (i.e. custody, housing, financial)? What documentation/proof was helpful to you during the process to ensure the judge knows exactly who you were dealing with? Did you get a restraining order in the beginning, if so, why? After it was all over, did your narcissist Ex continue to try and manipulate and gas light you? For how long? Did your ex use parental alienation tactics on the kids?
documentation
documentation
documentation!!!!!!!!
When my then stbx
claimed in court that
I left the house voluntarily,
abandoning him, I prepared
a spreadsheet for the judge
showing, month-by-month
that far from abandoning
him, I'd been working diligently
to find a way to reconcile and
resume residence. . . . . except
that his abuse not only continued
but escalated. I showed that
I'd accompanied him to help
his aging mother, that I'd raked
leaves on his property, that
we'd gone to concerts and
sporting events together,
we'd traveled together nationally
and internationally, and even
our record of marital relations
right up to the last time we'd
been intimate, a few months
before the court case.
In addition to the spreadsheet
of our activities, I had discovered
and made copies of his extra-marital
emails over the course of a year
showing not simply that they'd
been together while he was
supposedly trying to work on
reconciling with me, but that
together they'd colluded to
defraud me of what, at the
time, were joint marital assets,
in preparation of their upcoming
life together. This was, not merely
a crime against me, but in fact
was considered "Contempt of
Court," as this kind of activity is
clearly in violation of what gets
signed when a divorce action
is filed.
Finally I included a copy
of a letter he'd sent me
apologizing for hitting
me, during our period
of supposed attempted
reconciliation.
The judge threw out his
claim of abandonment
and awarded me years
of alimony along with a
reasonable division of
other assets.
Ultimately his attempt
at manipulation and
actual fraud, made his
life post-divorce worse,
not better, and made
mine comfortable
enough to weather
the transition.
In conclusion:
documentation
documentation
documentation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every state and every Financial setup is a
Little different. HUGS
so i got a behind scene view, you better prep and prepare every rebuttal/argument... he kept so much info, and destroyed so much evidence, he had alot money and she found MOST of it, she got alot 50%, but he screwed her in many ways even her lawyer didnt catch it, read / re read.....ask me anything, the house he gave her after both of them put restraining orders, he was forced to leave "temporarily to calm the situation" never gained access again...she tried to record him alot, he was such an asshole..... at the time two young girls 9/11 that was a mess, his yacht was in the yard, he only had access to that, but he pushed it, she put cameras there and called the cops, now she is there "house poor" he refuses every offer on the house (been on market for 5 years) he dont need the money, so she is STUCK paying all the taxes/utilites, everything... until he says OK to the asking price....she is the primary house occupier w/the two girls, now 18/19 so they are done soon, he tortures her still, she cant move on, its been 6 years, i broke up w/him in 2012, but get updates...
Traits and not active, he hid some stuff, i think.
My lawyer was relentless Sniffing around. Our
financials nothing was easy to hide and i Was
the bookkeeper.
He played games during the divorce, they all
do though. Thats why lawyers sniff around so
much especially with Parents with Children.
I do know some people like IJM described and
They do not like to lose and won't stop even after
Getting Remarried.
In my case i took the money, he got the debt and
All his possessions. He goes by the decree to the
Letter, we still are tied for a few more months and
Small amount of alimony for the next 8 years.
HUGS
There is these link suggestions on how to document abuse, I think they are aimed more at physical than covert abuse but it may help.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/why-you-should-document-abuse#.WLQFDbFh1E4
http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/
http://www.loveisrespect.org/legal-help/documenting-abuse/
http://verbalabusejournals.com/pdf/safety-plan-stay-or-go.pdf
I do the finances, so I'm good there. I'll be making copies of everything this week and stash those elsewhere in preparation. I'm also recording our conversations and documenting the daily activities of who does what with regard to household duties and parenting, so far it's pretty much 95% me, 5% him. Also documenting the times where he gas lights, manipulates, threatens, etc. I had no idea until reading it back yesterday that it's several times per day! You get used to it after so long and don't even realize it's happening anymore most times.
I'm realizing he's manipulating our son and constant puts downs with him, so joint custody isn't a good idea as at least when we are together I can step in and block that. After a divorce I won't be there to protect my child from the mind games that his father will play.
I'm sure he will make trouble at my job and try to get me fired (he's suggested that a few years back when divorce came up). Guess he figures if I don't have a way of making money then he wins custody or something. Like I said, I make the money, always have, so I'm sure he'll either try and stop that or try and get alimony.
Just about all states have online "calculators" for child support, and many have them for alimony.
But get that lawyer consult and find out what your rights are, and how to go about doing things.
Best of luck, Patti
to contact an attorney.
Many provide free
initial consultations
with no obligation.
Meeting with one of
these and asking lots
of questions will help
inform you in all sorts
of ways. I sat down
with around six lawyers
who provided free
initial consults, before
I decided on the one
I eventually hired. By
the time I did, I understood
many things about the
process much more
thoroughly than I
would have otherwise.
I also understood how
various lawyering styles
worked with my needs
and temperament.
As a clinician myself,
I always provide a
prospective client
with a pro bono (free)
initial consultation,
for that very purpose.
Taking up the offer
of a lawyer's free
initial consult is a
win/win for both
the lawyer and you,
most certainly you.
I strongly urge you to
use this time that you're
gathering funds, for that
purpose.
Good work.
I didn't have to document much. He is such a narcissist and thinks he is above the law... he sent me voice memos, all of which I forwarded on to my attorney. His psychosis helped with the custody. While I never dreamed or wished for this scenario of my kids not having their father at least I'm not battling for custody.