He says there is something wrong with me that I feel like I need to go out and do something, because he decided to go shoot some pool and have a few drinks. He is a little right about something there. I feel rejected when he does that to me, AND, I was married to daily drunk for 14 years. I sat at home waiting for him to come home from the bar.
I feel like I wasted 14 years. When my current SO goes to the bar, the last thing I am going to do is sit at home and wait for him. I go out and do stuff. I go to the gym, the hot springs, the movies with friends. He is right that there is reaction involved, but it's like being set up to react, and then being told something is wrong with me for reacting.

Yes, he is doing that exactly - setting you up so that you couldn't react any other way, and then punishing you for it.

Almost all the men (and that's not many, although I'm using the word 'all') I have been involved with, did something like this.

The only thing that freed me from this twisted game was to refuse to participate in it. You're not his mother, and yet he is hard-wired to re-enact the love/hate relationship he had with her, with every woman forever, probably. My father did this too. How messed up is that, that we were forced long-term into the role of parent to our parents and SOs due to their abusive patterns?

Your best chance is to get away from this guy completely. No communication. I wish you all the best xxx

Thats what the book said. He is playing out his relationship with his abusive mother and that he would repeat it again and again. It was nice to understand it. He sets me up all the time to be his dominating mother. When I walk in the room, he changes what he is looking at on his computer. When I look at him, like what was that, then I get accused of snooping. That is such a set up. When I read the book, I cried for two days, realizing all the little games he does to set me up to be his dominating mother. He said once, "why don't my friends have so many problems, they get along fine with their wives, they have fun." I told him it's because they are husband and wives, not dominating mother and rebellious teen age boy.

There's so much in this. Yes, there is the setup and reliving of the relationship with his mother.

There's also the double standard. And to me, the single easiest to spot sign of abuse (outside of actual violence such as hitting etc) is the double standard. There's no explaining why it's not what you think it is. He can go out, you can't. There are several reasons for the double standard. One is the set up/replaying that's been mentioned. Another is just flat out control and isolation - he wants you sitting at home isolated. Of course, he also wants you to then complain about that so he can tell you there's no reason you can't go out. But more subtly, he wants you to do this: "He is a little right about something there" followed by your explanation for why you do something wrong. You do nothing wrong. You have a right to go out if you want to. At the same time as he is trying to turn you into his abusive mother, he's also trying to parent YOU with the idea that you need his permission to go out.

It's a whole complex series of things, the aim of which is to have your head spinning as you try to work out what you are supposed to do/allowed to do to make him happy. When the truth is, it doesn't affect his life if you go out somewhere when he does, you aren't in any way abandoning him or otherwise being cruel or anything else. You are just taking care of you, which you are perfectly at liberty to do.

Don't let him have you second guessing yourself.

Yes, oh my gosh, Livndadrem, "He is a little right about something there." He sets me up to react, and when I do he calls me on my reaction, and then I sit and wonder is it me. Another thing he wants me to call him on is sneaking out. It would be really easy for him to actually sneak out, we don't live in the same house, but he doesn't. Not just that, but anything. If he does a little something rotten and I'm just to busy to even notice, he will make sure he tells me about it. I'll just be, "Really? why would you tell me that?" It makes no sense, it serves no purpose, except to get a reaction out of me.

There is no way to win.If you stand up to their behavior, then they get what they want, a reaction, that's why they did it. If you ignore it, you let yourself down. And if you try to live in their crazy world you loose all your friends, cause they are out living while your sitting at home trying to figure out how not to rock the boat.

There is a way to win, when you figure out what the game actually is. Step back and see the forest for the trees. The game isn't about getting a reaction or not getting a reaction. The game is about keeping you playing. That is the ultimate purpose of all of the little tricks and ploys and controls and mind games. To keep you playing.

So how do you win? You stop playing. By any means necessary.

In a sense, that feels like defeat, because if the game were about the stated aims, it would be defeat. But because continuation of the game is the one thing they want above all else, it's winning. And it's the only way of winning.

Double standards! In every single relationship that has wrecked me as well. HUGE RED FLAG and more than that... in my experience this kind of thing NEVER changes.

Okay, Livndadrem, you hit on something he has said to me almost word for word. He keeps baiting me, and baiting me, and then blaming me for how volatile the relationship is. He will give me the silent treatment for a months at a time, and finally I give up, he wins, I'm out of this mess, thats when he starts being nice again. But during one of these cycles, he told me, "I don't win if you quit."

Every now and then they tell the truth. He will push you so far, but if you walk away, he loses. So he can't allow that. Sure, he might leave you for a while, but even that is part of the game - letting you stew until enough time has passed, until just the right moment to swan back in. He sees you as on his leash the whole time, though.

" if the game were about the stated aims, it would be defeat. But because continuation of the game is the one thing they want above all else, it's winning."

So there is a deeper reason then the reaction, the reaction keeps you involved, while your head is spinning trying to figure it out, you are consumed by his craziness, That's the game, to make you loose track of your own life, trying to figure out his game. Well, I just got home from going out to Karaoke with my friends, so tonight I was not consumed with him, I had some fun.

This has given me much more insight. Thank you all for your responses. They are really helpful. Seeing him as a game player. Knowing he has a hidden agenda and that he is lying and baiting me helps me see him in a better light. It takes away all the ideas that he could be a nice guy undernieth it all,or on occasions, but not really.....it's all just a game.

Great stuff going out with your friends. I'm glad you had fun.

But yes, you're right. The aim is to keep the focus on what you have done wrong and what you need to do to improve. That way you won't notice what he's doing wrong and wonder why you even need to improve for someone who professes to love you. A reaction by you that is (or that he can convince you is) inappropriate keeps you focussed on your "wrong" reaction, rather than his initial action.

Going out for example. Because you know there is a trigger there, he has you convinced (at least partly) that you going out when he does is wrong. And so that's the focus. Not why the only way he claims he can have "fun" is by going out without you. But of course, you can't raise that either, because it's not fair to tell him he's never allowed to go out, just because your past means it triggers you. So you see, you're caught coming and going. The facts are that of course he's allowed to go out sometimes (it's not your place to give or withhold permission). But knowing of your past and the triggers, if he cared for you he'd be sensitive to those and so there'd be no sense of "sneaking" out and he absolutely wouldn't give you the idea that going out without you is his only way to have fun. He'd deal with his own issues, and leave you free to deal with yours, instead of not allowing you to have yours, while requiring you to deal with his.

" He'd deal with his own issues, and leave you free to deal with yours, instead of not allowing you to have yours, while requiring you to deal with his. "

That is a good way to sum it up.

I've found this thread really insightful too.

So many times, I have felt dragged into the role of parent with a guy. It was indeed about keeping me playing. They got irritated and parental with me too, but wanted the focus on them too much to give it up. I said all the parent-like things:

"Why are you doing that?"
"What is the matter with you?"
"You can't say/do that - it's totally inappropriate!"

I hated it. And they hated it... yet they also loved it, and were FURIOUS if I took the initiative and walked away. How dare I???

But that really was the only thing that stopped the insanity and got me off the merry-go-round. And I agree that it would be for anyone.

This is a great thread and the advice is so right on! Whipple, your assessment of your relationship being that of a dominating mother and rebellious teenage boy rather than a marriage resonates with me. In my case my goal is not to play anymore.
Keep living your life! Hot springs sounds great!