Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi. Some of you may remember my story from a few months back. My ex basically tossed me away for the younger model who could give him the child he said he so desperately wanted. I was destroyed because I felt like,after nearly 20 years of being together, he needed to get me out of his life to find happiness. He (and I came to) believed that I was a major roadblock to what he needed to make him happy. So, he made it his business to quickly replace me and had a baby a year and a half after we broke up. The news devastated me. I felt old, dried up and ugly. All I could envision was the wonderful life he was now immersed in with his beautiful little girl (I'd seen pictures) and his (I imagined because I hadn't seen pictures) lovely young wife. It didn't help that I did eventually see what she looked like as I, stupidly, perused his FB page. Yes, she was as pretty as I'd imagined. Oh the pain I felt that day. Still can't get the picture out of my head. So...this man who had been incredibly emotionally and psychologically abusive to me, had finally settled down and was happy. He no longer had a reason to be angry. His life was now complete. Until this day, I hadn't been able to stop feeling sad, if not out right cry, everyday because I turned out to be a hinderance to him being the best person he could be. And now, SHE was getting to experience the wonderful man I'd always hoped he would be as my partner. Because SHE was the magic ingredient.
Fast forward to this past Wednesday evening. - I have not been able to bring myself to unfriend him on FB. -Somehow, and I cannot explain it, I'm afraid of losing my connection to him - however tenuous it may be. He also continues to text and email me about innocuous things but, again, for some ridiculous reason, I still want to hold onto some connection to him; so, I don't ignore or block these messages. Anyway, back to FB and Wednesday evening.
-- I was on my page and a picture of him pops up. Just a general hello to all his friends on FB. My heart immediately sank. And the tears started to flow. Abusive as he is, the man is incredibly handsome and photogenic. And all I could think was 'There he is in the home we once shared, in a photo obviously taken by his wife.' The sadness was overwhelming. And, I needed some relief. So, to ease my pain, I called his sister.
- I have maintained my friendship with his family because we were family when he and I were together. But, I also maintain contact because - again - I'm afraid of losing my connection to him; however remote.
--Anyway, I called and said, as I often have, "It's hurts so much to see him living and enjoying his life without me." I told her that I'd just seen his pic. One that was obviously taken by his wife. Her question to me was: "His wife? He's not married?" I then said - "My mistake. His fiancee. I assumed they were married?" She then said - "You assume too much of the wrong things. Don't think that everything you imagine is exactly the way things are." She then said to me - "This must absolutely stay between us. To repeat it is a death nail in my relationship to him." She then went on to say - "They are not married, engaged or even together. That relationship is over. Done. Finished. Never again to be revisited. And you must NEVER let him know that I told you."
I was stunned and, admittedly, somewhat relieved. It confirmed for me, like many of you here tried to get through to me, that he is who he is and that the leopard does not change his spots - even if the circumstance changes. He, very likely, began to show her the same person I had come to know. And either she was smart enough to cut her losses and handle co-parenting as best they can OR she's as much of a beast as he is and he couldn't handle the challenge. In any case, they are done - according to this inside source.
So, here I am - Ridiculous me. Happy to have confirmation that I wasn't the roadblock to his happiness - But wishing that, now that he has his child and knows that my presence isn't what made him unhappy, that he would come back to say 'I was a fool. I miss you. Will you let us give it another try?"
How crazy am I????!!!!!! Why am I pining away for this nutcase to return to me????!!!
Fast forward to this past Wednesday evening. - I have not been able to bring myself to unfriend him on FB. -Somehow, and I cannot explain it, I'm afraid of losing my connection to him - however tenuous it may be. He also continues to text and email me about innocuous things but, again, for some ridiculous reason, I still want to hold onto some connection to him; so, I don't ignore or block these messages. Anyway, back to FB and Wednesday evening.
-- I was on my page and a picture of him pops up. Just a general hello to all his friends on FB. My heart immediately sank. And the tears started to flow. Abusive as he is, the man is incredibly handsome and photogenic. And all I could think was 'There he is in the home we once shared, in a photo obviously taken by his wife.' The sadness was overwhelming. And, I needed some relief. So, to ease my pain, I called his sister.
- I have maintained my friendship with his family because we were family when he and I were together. But, I also maintain contact because - again - I'm afraid of losing my connection to him; however remote.
--Anyway, I called and said, as I often have, "It's hurts so much to see him living and enjoying his life without me." I told her that I'd just seen his pic. One that was obviously taken by his wife. Her question to me was: "His wife? He's not married?" I then said - "My mistake. His fiancee. I assumed they were married?" She then said - "You assume too much of the wrong things. Don't think that everything you imagine is exactly the way things are." She then said to me - "This must absolutely stay between us. To repeat it is a death nail in my relationship to him." She then went on to say - "They are not married, engaged or even together. That relationship is over. Done. Finished. Never again to be revisited. And you must NEVER let him know that I told you."
I was stunned and, admittedly, somewhat relieved. It confirmed for me, like many of you here tried to get through to me, that he is who he is and that the leopard does not change his spots - even if the circumstance changes. He, very likely, began to show her the same person I had come to know. And either she was smart enough to cut her losses and handle co-parenting as best they can OR she's as much of a beast as he is and he couldn't handle the challenge. In any case, they are done - according to this inside source.
So, here I am - Ridiculous me. Happy to have confirmation that I wasn't the roadblock to his happiness - But wishing that, now that he has his child and knows that my presence isn't what made him unhappy, that he would come back to say 'I was a fool. I miss you. Will you let us give it another try?"
How crazy am I????!!!!!! Why am I pining away for this nutcase to return to me????!!!
Some of the reasons could be trauma bonding (which includes Stockholm Syndrome), relationship addiction, and, as Ilene has mentioned, (I hope I remembered this correctly) once we're bonded w/someone, the brain is wired to keep us bonded.
Here is a link to a thread about trauma bonding that might be helpful. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/19534739-trauma-bonding
If you are already seeing a therapist, please tell them what you've written here. If you aren't, please consider finding a qualified therapist who is specially trained in recovery from trauma & abuse.
~healing hugs~
Thank you for the link. I'll read it right away. And I can hardly wait to see my therapist. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I miss him so much. It's ridiculous. He was incredibly mean and cold when he wanted to be. He clearly wanted me out of his life. He moved on and had a child. And now, he is obviously flirting or on the cusp of involvement with someone else - and all I can think is "He's my best friend. God, please bring him back to me. Please make me the one he longs for in his heart."
I am so pathetic and embarrassed :-(
I know recognition of what is happening won't lessen the pain. But knowing that is is explainable and treatable is the first step in healing. Healing is a process of one baby step at a time. You'll not only be in the healing process for a long time, but you'll also be in the grief process.
I know it might sound weird that we would grieve the loss of an abuser, but it's true. We aren't grieving the loss of being abused. We are grieving the loss of who we thought that person was, our dreams and hopes, the relationship and even the fantasy of what we thought the relationship was and who we thought/wished the abuser was.
Its hard, but do whatever you can to take good care of yourself until you see your therapist. Please don't beat yourself up. You are a kind loving person, so please be kind and loving to yourself. And remember the b-r-e-a-t-h-e.
((((((((((((((((((Minnie))))))))))))))))))
I'm truly, so sorry for
everything you've been
through.
I urge you in the strongest
of terms to cut your electronic
connection with him and stop
following his (virtual) life on
Facebook.
Whether the woman who
bore his child is a victim,
another abuser or actually
someone who got his
number quickly enough
to grab her baby and run
---- both she and the
baby are now new victims
of his toxicity. This unfortunate
woman is now tied to your ex
by virtue of sharing a child.
(And I truly pity the child.)
She is FORCED to have to
co-parent with him for eternity.
You already put in your twenty
years. Her twenty plus twenty
years are just beginning.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Know that as long as you
maintain a focus on him
and his doings (or whatever
he decides to make public,
much of which is as big a
sham as He is), you'll be
wasting your precious
life force and the finite
number of years you
have in your future.
Put your focus on
YOURSELF, your
self-care, your HEALING
and your future.
You're entitled to
all good things.
You'll encounter
NO good things
while HE remains
your focus.
He delivered pain
into your life and
will continue to
deliver pain into
your life, while
you stay connected
to him.
Please perform the
surgery that will
excise his toxicity
from your days and
nights. He doesn't
deserve your lifeforce.
TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are things you
can do to facilitate
that surgery.
Do the work that
it takes to reclaim
your healthy self!!!!!!!
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.