Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've posted on other forums, but stumbled upon this one when I was looking for abuse forums.
A little over 8 months ago I left my b/f of 3 years, and it has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was still in love with him when I left and still wonder sometimes if I made a mistake.
Technically I'm not entirely sure if I was abused. I go back and forth between thinking I was and just blowing things out of proportion. My ex never touched me in anger (has punched holes in the wall and door however). What he did do was "roughhouse" and wrestle. I knew he was like this growing up because he did it with his younger sister. However, I hated "playing" with him but he made me feel guilty if I didn't. He says he shows his affection this way. He would pinch me and flick me, shove his elbow into my chest where it really hurt, pin me down until I started to panic because I couldn't breath (and wouldn't get off until I quit crying), knocked my head against the wall when we were playing too close to it, flick me with a lighter (I could actually smell my arm hairs burning), cover my nose and mouth for a second, tried to pinch my carotid, etc. He thought all of it was funny. It really did hurt though and he knew I hated playing because of it, but I guess he wanted to anyway. I actually didn't think I was abused until I got out of the relationship. Would you consider this physical abuse or just a really immature man?
This isn't the reason why I left. He said some things (as well as some beliefs he showed) that I guess left me unsettled. He knew someone who killed his wife and the first thing my ex said was "she must have done something." Out of anger, he also told me he would kill his own ex wife and that when they got divorced he wanted to shoot her and kill her brothers while she watched. He told me it was just talk and he didn't actually do it, when I told him I was uncomfortable with what he said. He said stuff like this a lot and his mom said he always talked that way and she didn't know why but he wasn't capable of doing anything.
Sometimes, I still wonder if I made the right decision as I still love him and miss him so much. I think about all his wonderful qualities. How he is so helpful to people and shows what a big heart he has. At the same time, he can get pretty mean if someone upsets him. He called his own aunt a c**t when she accused him of stealing a gun from her father. After 8 months I just figured I would be more over him by now. I guess my question is, do you consider this abuse? This is just kind of a condensed version of what all happened in our relationship. Why do I still love him? The thought of him being with someone else just kills me inside :/
A little over 8 months ago I left my b/f of 3 years, and it has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was still in love with him when I left and still wonder sometimes if I made a mistake.
Technically I'm not entirely sure if I was abused. I go back and forth between thinking I was and just blowing things out of proportion. My ex never touched me in anger (has punched holes in the wall and door however). What he did do was "roughhouse" and wrestle. I knew he was like this growing up because he did it with his younger sister. However, I hated "playing" with him but he made me feel guilty if I didn't. He says he shows his affection this way. He would pinch me and flick me, shove his elbow into my chest where it really hurt, pin me down until I started to panic because I couldn't breath (and wouldn't get off until I quit crying), knocked my head against the wall when we were playing too close to it, flick me with a lighter (I could actually smell my arm hairs burning), cover my nose and mouth for a second, tried to pinch my carotid, etc. He thought all of it was funny. It really did hurt though and he knew I hated playing because of it, but I guess he wanted to anyway. I actually didn't think I was abused until I got out of the relationship. Would you consider this physical abuse or just a really immature man?
This isn't the reason why I left. He said some things (as well as some beliefs he showed) that I guess left me unsettled. He knew someone who killed his wife and the first thing my ex said was "she must have done something." Out of anger, he also told me he would kill his own ex wife and that when they got divorced he wanted to shoot her and kill her brothers while she watched. He told me it was just talk and he didn't actually do it, when I told him I was uncomfortable with what he said. He said stuff like this a lot and his mom said he always talked that way and she didn't know why but he wasn't capable of doing anything.
Sometimes, I still wonder if I made the right decision as I still love him and miss him so much. I think about all his wonderful qualities. How he is so helpful to people and shows what a big heart he has. At the same time, he can get pretty mean if someone upsets him. He called his own aunt a c**t when she accused him of stealing a gun from her father. After 8 months I just figured I would be more over him by now. I guess my question is, do you consider this abuse? This is just kind of a condensed version of what all happened in our relationship. Why do I still love him? The thought of him being with someone else just kills me inside :/
You deserve at all times to have your boundaries respected, but he was not prepared to do this. He wanted to "roughhouse" and you had no say in the matter. That's not respect, that's abuse, and maturity isn't the answer. Perhaps it's just immaturity that has him wanting to "roughhouse" in the first place, but it's not immaturity that refuses to allow you a say in the matter, that refuses to accept your pain. What would happen if you hurt him physically - on purpose? I'm willing to guess he wouldn't find that nearly so funny.
Finding someone else's pain funny isn't immaturity, it's abuse.
Further, punching holes in walls and doors is called "symbolic violence". The point is to send a message that if you don't watch out, you'll be next.
More disturbing is his preventing you breathing, either by sitting on you or by holding his hand over your nose and mouth. Pinching your carotid may fall into the same category as well. The message he is sending you with these acts is that he can (and if he deems it necessary, will) kill you. That combined with his assumption that a murder victim is at fault for her own murder and his threats to kill his ex make him a very dangerous personality.
Have you been in any kind of therapy? Abuse bonds us very closely to the abuser, unfortunately, for a number of reasons (if you are interested in this area, read up on Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding) and it can be very difficult to shake off the bond with just time. It sounds like you might need some help to sort through the bond in order to properly sever it. In the meantime, ask yourself whether the fact that he sometimes shows a "big heart" and is "helpful to people" worth risking your life for?
If you didn't like playing and didn't enjoy it then he should never have touched you again
Any thing after that was wrong
You did the right thing to get out
The wonderful times you remember, he wanted to be able to keep abusing you so he had to be good to you part of the time.
From what you describe, there is no doubt he is dangerous.
Please, never, ever go back to him.
You absolutely did the right thing and please never doubt it.
can add to what's been
posted in replies to this
point, so I'll mostly
underscore some ot
fhe points already addressed.
This man is
EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.
Let me repeat that in
a different way:
You were fortunate
to GET OUT ALIVE.
It's commonly known
in the abuse community
that an abuser who does
anything to cut off a victim's
air supply is a
POTENTIAL KILLER.
You were lucky
to survive this
relationship.
Please get
QAULIFIED
THERAPY.
You're entitled to it.
Start by calling your
state's women's services:
(334) 832-4842
(or the toll free
800 650-6522 Hotline).
You were in this for three years
and it's going to take more than
8 months to find your way to
the other side.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
better days.
This week I am definitely going to look for a counselor who specializes in abuse!!
How do you get past the dog and pony show? Recognise it for what it is. Remember what he did to you and how he treated you and know that this is just more of the same. It's a threat more than anything. He's using this new woman (who may or may not exist - though an abuser needs supply so it's probable that there is a new woman) to force you to come back under his control. Think about that for a minute. He's using a new relationship to try to get you back or get back at you, or both.
Then think how you'd feel if you were the new woman and knew you were just being used by him to try to get back at or back with his ex.
He abused you, he's already abusing her while continuing his abuse of you. She's not getting the dream, she's not getting the "good" him, the him who has learned his lesson and will treat her like gold. She's getting just another version of the worst of him, albeit coated with sugar for now. She's in for at least as rough a ride as you had. If she lasts beyond him failing to get you back, that is. She's a prop in his sideshow, nothing more. And the sideshow is aimed at you.
As for FB, change your settings so that nobody you aren't already friends with (or perhaps friends of friends) can find your profile, message you or add you, so that no matter how many profiles he comes up with, he's still blocked. You don't need front row seats to his crazy show.