Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I just recently made my first post to this site, and reading everyone else's discussions have been very helpful in validating my feelings... I know I do not have it as bad as others. I was never physically harmed, and I was lucky enough not to be tied to this person by marriage or children. Yet, I still hold so much anger; it is such a new emotion for me. I have always been so friendly, kind, and non-confrontational. Feeling all this anger is very heavy on my heart, and I don't know how to let go. I still feel like I have so much venting to do... The games this man played with my head still have me feeling insanely hurt and confused. I don't like the bitter person I have become. I feel withdrawn, too depressed and afraid to go out with friends, (I'm afraid he'll show up where I am like he has threatened) Yet, I feel afraid just staying in my home too, because he has threatened to show up here as well. I just want everyone to know what he put me through, without feeling guilty about dragging someone's name through the mud. He took advantage of my caring nature, and repaid me by giving me rules to follow, and setting standards for me that he himself did not have to obey. He made me feel stupid, isolated, and like I was going crazy. Yet, he convinced himself that he was doing this because he loved me, and no one would ever love me like him, and I was lucky to be with him. I've felt suppressed for too long, never able to share my feelings or pain with him because everything he has ever experienced has been ten times worse, and he said I didn't realize how good I had it compared to him... Again, I just feel so.... lost and sad. I don't know where to go from here.
I am so sorry you have been abused. I feel compelled to say right out of the gate-please don't try to minimize the abuse or compare it to anyone else's. Your pain is just as real and feels every bit as crappy as anyone else's pain. PAIN is PAIN. Period. And please, don't ever let anyone ever tell you their pain is more real or painful than yours-that is a total bunch of crapola. What your abuser did to you-the cruel and meaningless attack on your autonomy, your self worth, your perception of yourself and the world around you, the mind f--- he did to you is every bit as horrendous as a punch in the gut, okay? I mean, it LITERALLY is the same, the body does not distinguish in its stress response between a physical and psychological threat-it dumps the same chemicals, it results in the same long term damage. So you don't have a kid like me? You still afraid to go out, afraid to stay in-I share that exact same pain.
I must emphasize this because you've already been through enough of some sadistic abuser telling you that your pain is not real or important, that you should be grateful that your pain is less than someone else's (like he could even know, how do you quantify pain exactly? Is it measured by a latitude of agony and a longitude of misery?)
You have a right to all your feelings. It is the most normal thing in the world to feel sadness and fear, and confusion, and self doubt, and anger after being abused. That is what happens when people hurt us-what is abnormal, or major denial that will bite you in the butt later is when someone acts like those kinds of egregious infringements to your dignity DON't cause pain and damage.
Have you considered counseling with a therapist who is experienced and trained in trauma or abuse? That would help IMMENSELY! You have been traumatized, what you described sounds horrible. You need time to heal. Are you practicing self care? Doing things to make yourself feel valuable, or nurtured, or capable, or releases emotions, or pampered, or empowered, or relaxed, or whatever from moment to moment, you need most-give it to yourself.
And you want to vent, or shed cyber tears, tell us what what you endured, stop in any time. We understand.
"a latitude of agony and a longitude of misery?" brilliant!
My DH did all of those things to me too. It took a very long time for me to realize what the problem was. He never was physically abusive and had his lines that he wouldn't cross, but it was definitely emotional abuse.
There are times that I look back on my marriage and I think, "what just happened?" He is very sneaky.
I have read many things on these boards that I am glad did not happen to me, but its still abuse.
Counseling is a very good idea. The book "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft was a lifesaver for me.
You can call a domestic abuse hotline and they will help you *even if he is not physically abusive.
You can get counseling too, but be very careful, the counselor needs to be *trained in domestic abuse/emotional abuse. Other counselors suck! Okay they don't suck, but they do not understand and will make it worse. (I'm a little bitter still).
Counseling, counseling, counseling.
Time does not
heal everything
on its own.
Counseling has helped
many of us enormously.
Seems like you're
comparing your
situation to others
situations. There's
no need to do this.
Abuse is abuse is abuse.
All abuse damages. Occasionally
abuse kills physically, but it
ALWAYS kills emotionally
and spiritually.
Feeling like we're not as
entitled as someone else
because it seems like they
were damaged worse than
we were is both unnecessary
and is notgoing to help us on
our journey to recovery.
A couple times, you talked
about him "threatening" you.
Please get connected with
services, which may include
FILING a POLICE REPORT.
Your local women's services
will help you know if that's
an appropriate action.
Please take good care
of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days in
the new year
ahead.