I've been with my husband for over 7 years. We met while we were both active duty in the military, each with one deployment under our belt. After a deployment, most all soldiers go wild trying to get everything we have missed the past year - alcohol, sex, fast food, etc... In the beginning of our relationship, he was sweet - opening doors, spending time with me and my then 2yr old son. We were together 2 months before he said the "L" word. Everything was great. On 16 November I found out I was being deployed. He sent me roses to cheer me up. November 21st I found out I was pregnant with my youngest son. My husband proposed to me 26 december 2005, we married 25 march 2006 and had our son 24 July. Fastforward to march 2007, he came down on orders for another duty station, he reenlisted for a different duty static - one closer to family. He deployed again in june 2007. He returned july of the next year. He began having nightmares, and suffering from severe post traumatic stress disorder. He began drinking daily, his excuse was to escape iraq. After his post deployment vacation, when he went back to work, everything was taken out on me. He would come home and vent about work, but eventually everything was my fault. Then the next morning while I got up to help him get ready for work, he apologized. This has progresses since 2008. In the past 2 to 3 years, our anniversary, mothers day, fathers day, my birthday and sometimes thanksgiving, christmas, easter and valentines suck! I usually end up crying b/c if him. Im not going to sit here and say im perfect b/c im not - I've lied to hum several times over the years. Its always been about money matters b/c I was too scared to tell him we were in a bind - b/c of his previous reactions to bad news. Over the years I've been called several words a mother or wife should never be called. Im not a tiny girl by any means, I've been call a fat, nasty b-word. This year he has tried choking me in the bathroom. He's torn 3 shirts. He has slapped me several times. He has pushed me countless numer of times. Then he always says im sorry, you deserve better. The next breath he takes, he's saying that we would be better off without him and that we could have $400,000 if he just comitted suicide. I always tell him no, I'd rather have you than the money. I just don't know what to do anymore..... I've been completely dependent on him since I got out of the army in 2007. I've been "free loading" since 2007 (his exact words). I no longer show any emotions. I feel like an empty shell. Im going through the motions of everyday life. I keep looking in the mirror trying to find the person I use to be, searching for some glimpse of me; the strong, fun, happy-go-lucky person who smiled and laughed constantly. The person who enjoyed getting out of the house and doing things, trying something new, or just going to the gym. What happened? Where did the person I use to be go?