Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Dear Allan,
It will be 3 years on the 1st of October since I last saw you. That was the day that I ended the relationship. I had come to my end of putting up with the abuse not to mention the lie you had lived. You were still with your ex. She was never an ex. You may not have been happy with her (you would not have cheated), but you was not happy with me either otherwise, you would have not lied!
So that became bad enough and to top it off with abuse, the hell you brought to me, the crazy making, the shouting, name calling. I ended up having a break down.
The worst part was the betrayal. You betrayed me in more than one way. The abuse was a betrayal of the person I thought you were. The man who had captured my heart and soul. That man was NOT abusive (actually he was). What I mean is that the man you were to hook me in, he was very real to me, but he was the one who looked after me.
When you were eventually being abusive towards me I said once that "my allan would kick your arse!" The sad part was that he actually would have. You played the part well (and it was a play). You were so protective, always supportive. You really wanted me to be the one. You believed I was for a while.
Unfortunately the fantasy bubble you had created burst. Mainly due to the fact that I was constantly taking it as a serious reality based relationship. I had been hooked into the fantasy. I have no clue whether I wanted to be on a subconscious level or I just was so young and inexperienced, I was after all, 24 years younger than you, I was 17, you 41.
Now that I am an adult, at 33, I do question why? Why did a 41 year old have a relationship with a 17 year old child? Ok a teenager but I was still a child. I see many answers to this, not just the outside view (I was young and easily groomed) but also the inside view from were you knew me I was quite popular but simply because I was polite, always happy, had a good sense of humour so people often around us were drawn to me, fond of me and liked my company, I was therefore desirable to you, seemed to fit your profile of the one as you were after someone with a status just to fulfil your narcissistic desires, I did not set out to be popular, I was just always polite and happy so people naturally happy to be around me. I always enjoyed life, since being a young child, even a baby, I always had that kind of mentality and at times people around me (unless they got jealous) used to bounce off my optimistic and positive outlook.
I was what you were looking for. Someone to make you feel what ever you were lacking.
Anyway, I realise finally (doesn't change the fact that it's over forever and despite this, I will be staying in no contact), but what I finally realise is that you did love me. It wasn't a real love, it was a desirable one, a fantasy based one, your illusionary one but the only one you'll ever know. It's sad really. In the end I see it, you are cursed!
In the end after I told you to leave me alone and you agreed, you actually have done. Yes at the time you were attempting to lure me back, hook me in with lots and lots of lies and manipulation. Fortunately I had, by that time, learnt to over come and rise above your abuse (manipulation a and lies) and I know you realised this. In that last conversation over the phone there was not one single bait that I took. I called you out on every single lie and manipulation. You got angry and threatened me to report me to social services (how original hey, an abuser threatening to call social services!)
After hanging up the phone, you eventually called me back. Apologising and admitting you were wrong. You probably thought that if you abused me, then said your sorry, sound sincere and as if you've had this epiphany that maybe just maybe I'd take that bait instead. Like I had done so many times before, I had been convinced by you're acting. The illusion of you realising and being logical, being on my side eventually after being so against it. All those times were that was all I wanted. For you to realise and see it from my point of view instead of seeing it from your illogical, dramatic, ignorant, cold, unempathic and hurtful view only.
As it turned out, I didn't take the bait. So sensing that you had lost the hook, you, true to narcissistic fashion, played the heroic allan. "If you want me to leave you alone I will"
I said I did and to not call me again. We said goodbye, you said it through tears, wished me a good life, I just said thanks and bye. I had no room in me to leave anything open for you to grab onto my emotion, this was your doorway and I could no longer give it to you safely, so I didn't.
I never once tried to contact you. But I have however found out that straight away, on that same evening, you cut all avenues of contact. We have a daughter together and you walked away from her. Without having the control over me you have been able to cut off all ways and means of you getting contacted by her. Which is a blessing, but really only says it all about you, the type of person u are and father (sperm donor).
I see it now though. In regards to myself, you did love me in a weird kind of way. You gave me my freedom and let me go. Because of you doing so I went on to meet my current boyfriend who is wonderful. He's not one bit abusive.
Also I feel as if (finally) that I too did something good for you. Not that I owed you that, but after you making me constantly feel as if I was the abuser, the guilt I've carried around as been heavy. I see now though that regarding me and you, I saved you from doing the wrong thing. I saved you from going into that fantasy land (of me and you) and I pushed you into reality (for how ever long u stayed there, I have no idea) but at least without you being able to understand, I did the most loving thing I could, I stopped the unhealthy.
It's not right to live in a land of illusion. Like I have said, you are cursed.
For what ever reason, I too stayed in a relationship and couldn't let you go. It was a different reason for me than it was for you but I clung, just like u did. In the end, I set you free. Again for different reasons but none the less, it was the right thing to do for both of us.
This has helped in my healing. I no longer feel the bitterness. It's the bitterness that eats u up inside. What I feel now is a sense of being able to set us free, finally, in the name of not abuse but of some sort decency because in the end, that was the only outcome towards positive change for both of us. What you did or I did after that, after you and me has been our personal choices and has had nothing what so ever to do with each other.
Regardless of the abuse, here is the truth...once upon a time, you loved me the only f*cked up way you knew how to and at the same time, I loved you as healthily as I could inject (into the relationship). We both stared into each others eyes lovingly. Laughed together lovingly. Held each other in lovingly. We were, during the honeymoon phase, both experiencing moments of being best friends.
I have been living in anger over the past 3 years thinking that it was all a lie. That whilst you were with me, playing this part you were also lying to me about you're ex who was in fact your gf. This had hurt me. But amazingly I've had an epiphany of my own. Regardless of facts, you experienced love. I for however briefly stayed within your imagine of your perfect partner. Therefore, how ever foolish it was of you and imaginary, you believed for a time in that fantasy. So you felt a surge of love for me. I know you did, I saw it from you and in those moments, we really did connect.
Now that I have found myself a real partner I can see the difference. Me and my BF both have a stable love. It's lovely. It's real and it's built upon the right foundations. But it helps me to let go of the bad when I see that regardless of the poison that ran through our relationship, there was also happy times. Those laughs were real. That love was also.
It's as if you were a baby in love. Imagine love being a delicate object. Hand that to a baby and it's going to get broken. You just didn't have to capacity to handle love with care, you were careless within yourself so you projected that into most areas of your life.
I will, in a weird kind of way, always remember fondly, the love and good times we shared, I have made new good times with another man now and I wouldn't swap me and him for me and anyone else, he's such a good, decent and kind hearted man, I am very lucky!
So I can't thank you for the abuse, honestly, that experience was horrible and I wish it had never happened. It's caused me so many problems. But I can thank you for the good times, the love, the connection that to me was very real, I will never forget those times as they were gifts. I was given happiness at those times, I was genuinely happy in those moments.
Goodbye old love and friend and best of luck to you, I hope you find some peace xxxx
It will be 3 years on the 1st of October since I last saw you. That was the day that I ended the relationship. I had come to my end of putting up with the abuse not to mention the lie you had lived. You were still with your ex. She was never an ex. You may not have been happy with her (you would not have cheated), but you was not happy with me either otherwise, you would have not lied!
So that became bad enough and to top it off with abuse, the hell you brought to me, the crazy making, the shouting, name calling. I ended up having a break down.
The worst part was the betrayal. You betrayed me in more than one way. The abuse was a betrayal of the person I thought you were. The man who had captured my heart and soul. That man was NOT abusive (actually he was). What I mean is that the man you were to hook me in, he was very real to me, but he was the one who looked after me.
When you were eventually being abusive towards me I said once that "my allan would kick your arse!" The sad part was that he actually would have. You played the part well (and it was a play). You were so protective, always supportive. You really wanted me to be the one. You believed I was for a while.
Unfortunately the fantasy bubble you had created burst. Mainly due to the fact that I was constantly taking it as a serious reality based relationship. I had been hooked into the fantasy. I have no clue whether I wanted to be on a subconscious level or I just was so young and inexperienced, I was after all, 24 years younger than you, I was 17, you 41.
Now that I am an adult, at 33, I do question why? Why did a 41 year old have a relationship with a 17 year old child? Ok a teenager but I was still a child. I see many answers to this, not just the outside view (I was young and easily groomed) but also the inside view from were you knew me I was quite popular but simply because I was polite, always happy, had a good sense of humour so people often around us were drawn to me, fond of me and liked my company, I was therefore desirable to you, seemed to fit your profile of the one as you were after someone with a status just to fulfil your narcissistic desires, I did not set out to be popular, I was just always polite and happy so people naturally happy to be around me. I always enjoyed life, since being a young child, even a baby, I always had that kind of mentality and at times people around me (unless they got jealous) used to bounce off my optimistic and positive outlook.
I was what you were looking for. Someone to make you feel what ever you were lacking.
Anyway, I realise finally (doesn't change the fact that it's over forever and despite this, I will be staying in no contact), but what I finally realise is that you did love me. It wasn't a real love, it was a desirable one, a fantasy based one, your illusionary one but the only one you'll ever know. It's sad really. In the end I see it, you are cursed!
In the end after I told you to leave me alone and you agreed, you actually have done. Yes at the time you were attempting to lure me back, hook me in with lots and lots of lies and manipulation. Fortunately I had, by that time, learnt to over come and rise above your abuse (manipulation a and lies) and I know you realised this. In that last conversation over the phone there was not one single bait that I took. I called you out on every single lie and manipulation. You got angry and threatened me to report me to social services (how original hey, an abuser threatening to call social services!)
After hanging up the phone, you eventually called me back. Apologising and admitting you were wrong. You probably thought that if you abused me, then said your sorry, sound sincere and as if you've had this epiphany that maybe just maybe I'd take that bait instead. Like I had done so many times before, I had been convinced by you're acting. The illusion of you realising and being logical, being on my side eventually after being so against it. All those times were that was all I wanted. For you to realise and see it from my point of view instead of seeing it from your illogical, dramatic, ignorant, cold, unempathic and hurtful view only.
As it turned out, I didn't take the bait. So sensing that you had lost the hook, you, true to narcissistic fashion, played the heroic allan. "If you want me to leave you alone I will"
I said I did and to not call me again. We said goodbye, you said it through tears, wished me a good life, I just said thanks and bye. I had no room in me to leave anything open for you to grab onto my emotion, this was your doorway and I could no longer give it to you safely, so I didn't.
I never once tried to contact you. But I have however found out that straight away, on that same evening, you cut all avenues of contact. We have a daughter together and you walked away from her. Without having the control over me you have been able to cut off all ways and means of you getting contacted by her. Which is a blessing, but really only says it all about you, the type of person u are and father (sperm donor).
I see it now though. In regards to myself, you did love me in a weird kind of way. You gave me my freedom and let me go. Because of you doing so I went on to meet my current boyfriend who is wonderful. He's not one bit abusive.
Also I feel as if (finally) that I too did something good for you. Not that I owed you that, but after you making me constantly feel as if I was the abuser, the guilt I've carried around as been heavy. I see now though that regarding me and you, I saved you from doing the wrong thing. I saved you from going into that fantasy land (of me and you) and I pushed you into reality (for how ever long u stayed there, I have no idea) but at least without you being able to understand, I did the most loving thing I could, I stopped the unhealthy.
It's not right to live in a land of illusion. Like I have said, you are cursed.
For what ever reason, I too stayed in a relationship and couldn't let you go. It was a different reason for me than it was for you but I clung, just like u did. In the end, I set you free. Again for different reasons but none the less, it was the right thing to do for both of us.
This has helped in my healing. I no longer feel the bitterness. It's the bitterness that eats u up inside. What I feel now is a sense of being able to set us free, finally, in the name of not abuse but of some sort decency because in the end, that was the only outcome towards positive change for both of us. What you did or I did after that, after you and me has been our personal choices and has had nothing what so ever to do with each other.
Regardless of the abuse, here is the truth...once upon a time, you loved me the only f*cked up way you knew how to and at the same time, I loved you as healthily as I could inject (into the relationship). We both stared into each others eyes lovingly. Laughed together lovingly. Held each other in lovingly. We were, during the honeymoon phase, both experiencing moments of being best friends.
I have been living in anger over the past 3 years thinking that it was all a lie. That whilst you were with me, playing this part you were also lying to me about you're ex who was in fact your gf. This had hurt me. But amazingly I've had an epiphany of my own. Regardless of facts, you experienced love. I for however briefly stayed within your imagine of your perfect partner. Therefore, how ever foolish it was of you and imaginary, you believed for a time in that fantasy. So you felt a surge of love for me. I know you did, I saw it from you and in those moments, we really did connect.
Now that I have found myself a real partner I can see the difference. Me and my BF both have a stable love. It's lovely. It's real and it's built upon the right foundations. But it helps me to let go of the bad when I see that regardless of the poison that ran through our relationship, there was also happy times. Those laughs were real. That love was also.
It's as if you were a baby in love. Imagine love being a delicate object. Hand that to a baby and it's going to get broken. You just didn't have to capacity to handle love with care, you were careless within yourself so you projected that into most areas of your life.
I will, in a weird kind of way, always remember fondly, the love and good times we shared, I have made new good times with another man now and I wouldn't swap me and him for me and anyone else, he's such a good, decent and kind hearted man, I am very lucky!
So I can't thank you for the abuse, honestly, that experience was horrible and I wish it had never happened. It's caused me so many problems. But I can thank you for the good times, the love, the connection that to me was very real, I will never forget those times as they were gifts. I was given happiness at those times, I was genuinely happy in those moments.
Goodbye old love and friend and best of luck to you, I hope you find some peace xxxx
I'd still nail the deadbeat for child support, tho'. Let him explain his hidden child to his "ex that never was".
It took 2 to play, it should take 2 to pay. For the child, not you, o' course.
GL!