Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My partner has an acid tongue and says mean and very hurtful things...craftily and very cleverly saying things during small disagreements that are meant ti evoke reactions, provoke and insult an hurt me deeply...which escalates things into big fights.
I don't want to fight him, yet I don;t want him to be able to get away saying things wayy overboard.
I have tried warning him with recording his words on my phone. He egged me on and actually said some deliberate things that hurt me even more, trying to make it real for me. He does character assassination, calls me names and blames me completely for things., He also lies blatantly and manipulates, excusing his behaviours using something I did from the past, while not taking responsibility for his reactions and behaviours in the moment. He craftily somehow makes it all look like my fault. It is becoming more obvious how ridiculous this is/
So I believe his words lesser and lesser.
It still hurts me deeply when he spews slander on me and saying very hurtful and mean things to me, going wayyy overboard and even making me feel bad about myself. I have talked with him about it and he is remorseful later and apologizes. Yet in the meantime, while he is working on reigning in his tongue, I want to find ways o deal with this. Right now I calmly show a peace sign or close my ears when he starts talking mean things or in an abusive way or not being civil. He even acts 'pscho' and makes fun of me and acts crazy rolls up his eyes and stuff....while calling me childish!!
He is trying to change and is making efforts. I want to find a way to get him to stop in the moment or find a way to distance myself from him or the situation. Often times I ask for a time out when he gets that way. Often it is me that seemingly 'start's a fight, as he puts it because I question him on something abusive insensitive or mean he says or does...and he heaps more when questioned. I feel bullied.
He comes around later and we are a very passionate and loving couple. But in the moment it can get very hurtful when he is angry.
So I try to walk away and I do. I still like to bring it to his attention and not let him get away with what he can. I have met people in his family and discovered that its a bit of a family trait. They had to work this out with their spouses too and learn to be respectful.
He is a good man. And he may well be ale to change this habit.
But I need to not play this dance with him. I want to find ways to get myself out of these situations and keep myself safe from getting hurt when he gets hurtful. Suggestions are welcome.
I don't want to fight him, yet I don;t want him to be able to get away saying things wayy overboard.
I have tried warning him with recording his words on my phone. He egged me on and actually said some deliberate things that hurt me even more, trying to make it real for me. He does character assassination, calls me names and blames me completely for things., He also lies blatantly and manipulates, excusing his behaviours using something I did from the past, while not taking responsibility for his reactions and behaviours in the moment. He craftily somehow makes it all look like my fault. It is becoming more obvious how ridiculous this is/
So I believe his words lesser and lesser.
It still hurts me deeply when he spews slander on me and saying very hurtful and mean things to me, going wayyy overboard and even making me feel bad about myself. I have talked with him about it and he is remorseful later and apologizes. Yet in the meantime, while he is working on reigning in his tongue, I want to find ways o deal with this. Right now I calmly show a peace sign or close my ears when he starts talking mean things or in an abusive way or not being civil. He even acts 'pscho' and makes fun of me and acts crazy rolls up his eyes and stuff....while calling me childish!!
He is trying to change and is making efforts. I want to find a way to get him to stop in the moment or find a way to distance myself from him or the situation. Often times I ask for a time out when he gets that way. Often it is me that seemingly 'start's a fight, as he puts it because I question him on something abusive insensitive or mean he says or does...and he heaps more when questioned. I feel bullied.
He comes around later and we are a very passionate and loving couple. But in the moment it can get very hurtful when he is angry.
So I try to walk away and I do. I still like to bring it to his attention and not let him get away with what he can. I have met people in his family and discovered that its a bit of a family trait. They had to work this out with their spouses too and learn to be respectful.
He is a good man. And he may well be ale to change this habit.
But I need to not play this dance with him. I want to find ways to get myself out of these situations and keep myself safe from getting hurt when he gets hurtful. Suggestions are welcome.
From your description you have on your hands the classical abuser. I'm so sorry, but abusers only get worse with time.
You need to make up your mind if you want to live abuse free, or stay with your partner.
If you feel you have had enough,and tell him, abusers will promise anything and everything to get you to come back. Once they get you back all pretense of being willing to change flies out the window, and the abuse gets much worse.
Everything he says to you are what abusers say to their victims. Also, they are good at convincing the victim is totally at fault.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
Sending tons of support and lots of hugs.
When my ex started to become abusive I would tell him to take 'time out'. The rules were that when I called time out, he had to leave me alone for at least 15 minutes.
After 15 mins we were allowed to try and talk again, but only about the issue at hand.
This 15 mins gave him time for his limbic system to calm down, so he could think more clearly.
Good luck
in her response.
You are being worse
than bullied.
You are being abused.
Sadly, it does not sound like you
are at the stage of believing that
your partner will not abuse you.
So I suspect that while you
said you welcome suggestions,
you will probably not be delighted
with what I have to suggest.
What you have described
are the behavior patterns
of a textbook abuser, even
in regards to later being
"loving" and passionate. What
he does is not simply "habit."
It's PROGRAMMING, which
makes it much deeper
and virtually intractable.
He is a classic abuser
and classic abusers
always change.
They always GET WORSE.
You can not "deal" with this.
There is no "dealing" with abuse.
If you decide to tolerate it
than you will end up
having to tolerate abuse
for the rest of your
natural life,
if you choose to
spend it in this relationship.
I see you've been on DS
since the summer, half
a year, already. You don't
say where you are, but
everywhere in the U.S.
and in most Western countries,
there are women's centers. I
urge you to seek out and visit
your nearest women's center.
My experience for telling you
these things is both personal
and professional. I'm a survivor
of a lifetime of abuse and twenty
years ago, earned a masters in
the field of recovery from abuse
and trauma.
Are there no exceptions? Of course
there are. But they are exceptional.
How many spare decades do you have?
Personally I wish I had not spent seventeen
years with an abuser, hoping he would
someday "get it." What I got was seventeen
years of suffering which brought me to the
edge of suicide. What he got when I left
him, was a new wife.
angel. . . . . you can go on believing
that he is a "good man." But he is
also, even more than that. . . a
DAMAGED man. He was damaged
by being raised in a dysfunctional
family system.
He will never treat you better than
he does now, for any length of time.
He will inevitably treat you worse.
I hope you'll educate yourself
on the realities of emotional abuse.
And I hope you'll choose to value
your precious time and your
precious life. You are not
immortal. Our years
come and go. One day
you wake up and forty
years of adulthood are
behind you. What's left
will be lived with a body
much different than the
one you have now, with
significantly fewer years
ahead, than behind. That's
why living with abuse is
such a tragedy. It's flushing
your strength, love and
beautiful essence
down the sewer.
A new year is soon upon us.
Sending you wishes for
a year ahead that will bring
you all you hope for, and
for a life that fills your
most cherished vision.