Whilst facebook is a great tool for keeping in touch with people, I found it to be quite destructive during my break up, for the reasons you mention in the post, but also for receiving horrible messages from my exB's friends etc. I have deactivated my facebook account 2 months ago and I dont miss it. I have found Im actually less stressed when Im not checking it

I have left my Facebook active, but I hardly ever look at it. I don't post anything anymore, as I really having nothing to say.

Joanie, I think when you begin to heal you will regain interest in life and people again. But don't push yourself. One day you will catch yourself smiling over a funny commercial and it will dawn on you..."I am starting to be me." Before you can possibly have a healthy relationship with someone, you have to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Getting to know you again, will be the most rewarding thing you can do.

(((((((((((((((Joanie)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm older too & I remember being where you are. It took several years, lots of therapy & self introspection, but now I have a full life w/new friends & while I don't have a SO, I'm ok with that. Maybe some day, but I am ok either way because I found me me.

A very wise woman once told me that in order to have a healthy loving relationship with another person, we must first have that w/ourselves. I believe that. As we start to heal & regain our emotional health, we start to attract healthier people.

One of the most life changing things I did for myself doesn't cost a cent. It doesn't even take up much time. But it was harder than hell to do in the beginning. And I stopped & started over numerous times. But, it ended up changing how I see everything. It's a gratitude list.

The goal was to find 10 things every day to be grateful for. When I first started, I was lucky to find one - that I woke up that morning. And some days it was hard to feel grateful for that. As I said, I stopped & started many time. The last time (about 2 yrs ago) I started & haven't stopped. My list started expanding to being grateful I had a roof over my head and food on my table. Then it expanded to having a car that runs and I was ever so grateful for my sweet little kitty cat. Pretty soon I was finding all kinds of things...a beautiful flower, the sunset, the colorful birds outside my window.

What I discovered is what I think about expands. Anthony DeMellow said in his book, The Way to Love (and I'm paraphrasing here), if we stay in just this moment, we have everything we need (not want). So if I think about all the stuff I don't have, I see myself as not having much. But if I focus on, and am grateful for, what I do have, I find peace and joy. And this is the kicker....the more I am am grateful, the more things I find to be grateful for.

I understand if you need to go into isolation, but I really hope you'll keep posting here and allowing us to support you though this.

Sending you love & light.....



If it helps, I don't think there's anything wrong with deactivating FB. However, I strongly encourage you to get into counseling w/a therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse, trauma & PTSD. You can heal, but it takes a while - the longer you were in the relationship, the longer it takes to heal. Healing is a multi-faceted process. It includes going thru the grieving process which, admittedly isn't any fun. It also includes rebuilding your self-esteem and regaining your self-worth. If you take whatever time you need to rediscover yourself, take good care of yourself and fall in love with yourself, I think you will find the world looks much more positive.

oops, I meant I found me, not me me. :p)

I don't use those sites for several reasons and I think after going through an abusive relationship I wouldn't want to start. As my cousin says if she really wants to interat with someone she just picks up the phone and calls them. it is much more personal than typing your ideas or feelings online where you can't hear tone of voice or voice inflection. I think the main reason to not go to those sites after a breakup is to not be tempted to check up on what your ex is doing as that can create a lot of unneccessry pain. The first thing abusers will typically do after a breakup is to go to those sites and immediately brag about how great their life is and how much fun they are having in order to save face and to appear unaffected. They will even post pictures of all of the things they are doing and especially of their new target. They assume their ex will be checking and so it becomes a place for them to save face, pardon the pun.
one thing that makes me uncomfortable is whenever i log into DS , it automatically goes to a facebook plug in. So I get the impression that whatever is posted here is available on facebook. I'm not so sure how I feel about that. I don't think that a social networking site is really a good or safe place to talk about abuse or abuive relationships. Even though we all have user names they are limited protection against someone finding out more about our real identity. I think having a link here as a choice would be fine but to just automatically connect us rather or not we agree or feel comfortable or safe doing so, should imo be reconsidered.

I do the gratitude list too. I have it saved as a draft on my hotmail, and I'm at 620 (I miss days sometimes).

I find that the days I do a gratitude list, I have better days-cool things happen, my kids are better behaved, I get more calls for cleanings (I'm a house cleaner).

Joanie- I have a friend who's abusive husband of over 35 years, died. She was in her early 60s, moved to a city where she hardly knew anyone. She had a couple of rough years, but now, at 65, she has a really cute apartment, some really nice, close friends, lots of hobbies, and she has been doing the online dating thing and has met lots of nice men.

Life does go on, but we have to retreat and heal first.

I've reached a point in my healing journey where I don't have a problem with social networking sites. However, there was a time when I did and during that time frame, I took a break from it all as well. It's perfectly okay to do so. If its increasing your feelings of sadness, anger, or pain, by all means, close it down for a while!!

You don't have to feel guilty either for not participating in these kinds of websites. Not everyone does. I realize its a very popular means of communication these days, but sometimes, it looks more like the world's largest high school cafeteria. Everyone has an opinion, there seem to be little groups everywhere, and in general, its a zoo.

People are more likely to voice their opinions, publicize their arguments, and be rude over the internet. After all, they are safe from face to face confrontation. So, if the content of a website is making you feel crazy in some way then don't go there.

Take care of you and your needs. When you have healed more and the wounds and scars aren't so fresh, then you can consider the possibility of participating again. Until then, focus on what you need to heal and eliminate what you don't need in your life.

Hugs!!

I appreciate the support given here. At this time, I am putting away money to try to leave here. Maybe if I can move away from it all, I can gain some strength.

I believe that you will.

you will Joanie, you will get where you want to be! Im sure of it

i go through spurts., i just recently went back on facebook a little more, after an incident on there triggered me into a bad place. i mainly use it to get in touch with some family even though one of my issues is a relative i see on there i have deactivated some sites alot and gone back on, out of boredome and loneliness, but i agree facebook comes on the depressing side of things alot

In the same exact boat.Well only not divorced because i never got married...I was ostracized by my family very young and emotionally neglected and totally ignored all my life........Then abuse and more neglect..

I just like to read the funny stuff people post on facebook..

You are not close to your family either??

Its tough, very tough............

Just wanted to say thanks for the support given.

I am not on facebook. I am just on this site only. This site is different, because we all share a common bond. I know what you mean about being depressed being on this site. But, I have had people e-mail me, and tell me how much I have helped them. So, I guess that kinda makes up for it in a way. We have to watch who we talk to, it's a scary world out there. You did the right thing by not being on facebook anymore..