Hi Cali ----

It sounds like you're doing well.

Good for you!

In regards to the guy you have a question about:

What you shared doesn't disturb me.
I would say, go out with him again.
And it's not so much a matter of
being guarded
as of
being VIGILANT.

The red flags you could look for are
anything that suggests that he's
controlling or anything that suggests
that he's extremely ANYTHING.
Most extremes are not healthy.
Being balanced means being
closer to the middle of any spectrum.

And by the way ------- I wouldn't stop
looking around, just because I met
someone who "seemed" nice and
knew him for a weekend. A weekend
isn't enough time to know someone is
worthy of exclusivity. If you like him,
then see him. But I wouldn't get
exclusive until I'd known him a whole
bunch longer. And as I said above,
I'd be vigilant. I'd keep notes of things
that made me uncomfortable, and I'd
be ready to cut him loose if I began
seeing patterns of control or any other
imbalance or inappropriate line-crossing.

Cali, it's hard to date after an abusive relationship because we're having to learn to trust all over again, and that's scarey.

I agree with Ilene that there doesn't appear to be a red flag with the guy you mention, but I'd remain vigilant and take things very, very slowly indeed.

Good luck and take care!

Thanks ladies! I didn't see any obvious red flags with this one either as I did with a couple others. I keep telling myself that just because this guy and my ex share some common activities that they'd be the same in other respects. But yes, I definitely plan to take it slowly, not become exclusive for a while, and be prepared to walk away if I pick up on any control issues. I know that i have issues with learning to trust another man. It's very scary to think about, but I have to get myself out there and relearn at some point.

All I'm gonna say is this; Be careful you don't end up in another abusive relationship (a lot of us do)
but don't be so careful your hyper sensitive of any negative behaviour from men- which is what I do. Accept people for who they are.

A red flag is a red flag. ALWAYS go with your instinct.

This is a potentially very interesting discussion.

Let me see if I can state the position many people take:

Accept people for who they are.
Nobody's perfect.
Don't have a "hair trigger" about negative stuff.
Don't let a bad experience color how you see everybody else.

To paraphrase: Even if you've been hurt, don't close off to
everyone who comes after that bad experience. Keep an
open mind and an open heart.

The part of this argument that I can get behind is to advocate
that we not become bitter after life hurts us. Even if we get
hurt more than once, we will only then hurt our self if we close
our self off completely.

Now ---- here's the other side of the argument:

To ignore our experience, to dismiss lessons
the life has offered us,
to imagine that everyone has a good intent
(hmmmmm. . . . . . )
and to remain oblivious to what our senses tell us. . . . .
to what we see, hear, feel, think and sense. . . . . .
(for the record, there is NO SUCH THING
as being "TOO" sensitive) . . . . . . .

to suggest that we take our experience
which holds valuable information for our
survival and for our happiness,
and then ask us to forget it to ensure
that we don't malign someone who
may be a good, innocent person
or
who may not be. . . . . . .
(we dont know, yet). . . .

is to tell us to not believe our
eyes, our ears, our intelligence,
our gut
our intuition
our spirit
our place on the
evolutionary tree that represents
tens of thousands of years of
survival and development.


Yesterday, I had lunch with a new guy.
He was cute. He seemed fun.

At one point I shared with him, something about myself.

It was something that runs against a stereotype.

His response to that byte of data which I shared
was to roll his eyes and make facial expressions that
clearly demonstrated his disbelief about the veracity
of what I'd shared with him.

My interaction with this man extends to a couple emails,
two phone calls and maybe an hour face-to-face.

He doesn't know me and I don't know him.

What I DO know about him is that when I
shared something very true and very intimate
about myself
his response
was to make disbelieving faces,
to demonstrate that he
did NOT accept or believe
something Id just told him about
me that was basic, true and important.

(For the record, there were a couple
other red flags, in addition to this one.)

In general, I enjoyed my lunch with him
And he invited me to contact him again.

I have been hurt in my life. Ive survived
the hurts. Now I AM sensitive and I AM
on the alert for red flags.

The part of me thats interested in
going out with a cute guy, is saying:
Come on. See him again!

The survivor in me is shouting:
Are you KIDDING ME?
Hes TROUBLE.
Been there, DONE THAT.
He openly DISMISSED you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which would be smarter?
Knowing only what Ive seen from
One one-hour lunch together,
should I see him again
or should I walk away now?
He could be a fabulous guy.
He could be thoroughly dysfunctional.

Should I give him the chance
to show me more?
Should I believe my eyes
and my gut and shut this
down, now?


My basic position is that we will
get the most from our experience
in the world, if we remain open
enough to let some light in
and defended enough to
keep our self safe and
HEALTHY.

That means ----- STAY SENSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honor your gut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Ilene. A great story, and a timely reminder for me. I agree - honour our feelings. And yes, it's possible that by recognising what we believe in ourselves to be a red flag and then walking away, we may make a wrong judgment. It's also possible that by ignoring that red flag, we may eventually end up in the sort of hell we are all here to escape from. I know which risk I'd rather take, when it comes to red flags.

Thanks - very insightful post Ilene. I will honor my gut, but I will try not to be too gun shy. Of course I don't want to get hurt again.... but I don't want to be a man-hater either and think that they are all abusive a-holes. The more I think about it, there are things that I'm Type A or Anal-Retentive about too, but that doesn't make me abusive. That was really the only thing that got a raised eyebrow from me about him, so far.

I have a boss who is EXTREMELY meticulous and Type-A, and she causes me great anxiety. Perhaps this is where my discomfort with this guy's admission came from. I don't know, but I'm just going to go with it for a bit and see where it takes me. :)

Just to let you know that I admire you a lot for dating again. I for my part am in full blast menonpause and no this is not a typo for menopose.

Bravo Cali

having left mine in 11-09 and newly dating i understand. I meet some guys that sent up red flags and went that. I felt it the first time out. After talking more with them my hunches were right. I am now dating some one that sent out no red flags. he understands about my past and listens and supports me. If something happens to trigger a bad memory he gives me space and a hug when I need it. I would listen to your gut. But please if you want to see him again keep yours eyes open and listen to your feelings. I hear you say he has a lot in common with your ex. are you looking for mething familar without even realizing you are. Good luck its like being reborn

Hello, I just wanted to add bravo for dating post abuse too. From what you've said so far I think you should continue seeing him, but be sure to stay observant. I want to start dating after my horrible experience, but I'm not quite ready yet, really scared.

What Ilene said "(for the record, there is NO SUCH THING
as being "TOO" sensitive) "

I agree totally. If someone says that to me THAT'S a red flag. Especially if they know I've been abused.

to sistermarie - I don't think i'm looking for anything familiar or exactly like my ex. Obviously there were qualities that attracted me to my ex, but the whole package was just all wrong. My ex is a narcissistic, selfish child. I don't believe his activities and interests made him into that person. I have gone out with someone who is the polar opposite of my ex, and boy did he raise some red flags. To the point where it wouldn't have surprised me if he were physically abusive at some point in the near future. I don't want to elaborate, but it was a feeling that I got.

To all else - it is a very scary feeling and time to be dating again. This guy is the 5th person that I've gone on a date with. Most of the others didn't get past the first or second dates! The only one who did make it to date #4, I ended it with him because I felt like he was backing me into a corner and pressuring me to talk about my feelings. It was still too soon for me.

But, I still have my therapist that I see and discuss all these issues and feelings that keep bubbling up and I'm working through them. It's difficult because the dating landscape has changed a lot in the 10 years that it's been since I've dated.I'm just going to keep on going, be wary, but expect the best. :)

Sounds like you are being smart and careful. Hope you remember to have fun along the way as well, while maintaining those boundaries and, as you say, expecting the best (or out the door!)

good job of being able to spot things in the other dates. I did that also. Its so scary getting out there again. I worry that i will fall into the same pattern without realizing, Keep me updated and be safe.