Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been with my husband for 6 years and have been aware of my codependent behaviours for about 10 months now but haven't done much about it except read books and lots of online articles.
My husband is a real bag of tricks. He's handsome, smart, funny and gambles, is alcoholic and has other behavioural problems, mainly to do with obsessing on things and anger. Earlier this year it was synthetic cocaine as well, he managed to get hold of some and was off his goat on it a lot of the time and making trouble in the family business. It seems whenever he has help offered to him he either rejects it or refuses it.
He is supposed to be on Naltrexone, while he was taking that there was a lot of stability in his life and when he did gamble it was small amounts, as opposed to thousands, but he heard from the doctor that there was an antidepressant that would "increase motivation and help him give up gambling and other addictions" (bullshit!) and he has become addicted to the antidepressant, acts like a crazy person when he tries to cut down on it, refuses to take his Naltrexone with it and the effect of alcohol on him seems to be amplified.
I have recently moved out to a friends house. When I was living with him, a few nights a week he would get drunk and go nuts rampaging around the house, main issue for me being that I have started a new job and he would not let me sleep. He would play loud music, sing along with it and then come into the bedroom and shake me awake every so often. Sometimes he would take off in his car or grab a train to the casino, then sober up, and I would get a phone call asking me to come pick him up from whereever he was. This was where I started to really handle my codependent behaviour, I would not go pick him up.
Anyway, things came to a head and i moved out. His family gave him 4 weeks off work on an allowance of sorts (he has no further sick leave or holiday pay) to sort his life out and are happy to pay for a psychologist to work with him, help he says he will take but has only gone to one therapy appointment. He has 3 weeks left and after that they will cut him off entirely. The allowance is paid into my bank account and I allocate it to rent, utilities and groceries. The family thinks that doing this will help him by taking away the gambling, the alcohol, and give him a chance to recover himself. All I see is codependent behaviour but I guess it's one last chance for him.
So that's the background and the situation. I have noticed that whenever I start to disconnect and untangle my self from his problems, for instance, he has been hassling me for alcohol. When I say hassle, I mean tantrumming like a small child and following me around the house repeating "C'mon, just a six pack! Just a couple of long necks!" in a whiny voice over and over until I lose it and actually scream at him like a mad woman. In the end, in a calm phone call I said "If you ask me again I will leave (as in end the visit)" and I have stuck by my word and he doesn't ask me for alcohol when I visit. I'm working on not reacting emotionally when he accuses me of affairs, not being drawn into his dramas.
The problem seems to be that he seems to need to be creating drama and causing chaos in everyone's lives and if he's not he makes something up. It feels like an attention seeking behaviour, if I'm getting into work and a rhythym of live BAM there's some crazy drama to try to pull me back to him. Is it my imagination? Does anyone know what I'm up against here? I think the hardest part is yet to come, when he is homeless and jobless - although it's likely his mother will take him in, she has so many times in the past (not my problem).
Why would someone want to have such a dramatic life when they could have the best life ever - wealth, success, happiness, loving family - and how do I keep my head in the craziness? He is asking that I go visit him tonight, I know he wants cash off me although he is claiming to just want to spend time with me.
here is:
What do you want
your life to be?
If it's something
better than this,
would you consider
plugging yourself
in to working with
a qualified therapist?
As long as you
continue to sail
on this particular
ship, you will
end up on the
bottom, drowned
and emotionally
dead.
Please change
something in
this scenario
so that you
can begin to
clear your head
and take self-
supportive actions.
(As far as His well-being,
sounds like his family
will be there for him,
since he won't be
responsible for himself.)
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety, healing
and better days
ahead.
My question really was if anyone had any insight into this behaviour. Also, is there are any coping techniques I could use because I will have to deal with him at some point. So far I've heard about the gray rock technique to starve him of his drama fix.
I'm sorry my response
wasn't on the mark for
you.
I did see that you had
moved to a friend's
house.
But the rest of your very
articulate delineation of
the situation suggests
that other than not
actually living together,
you're still very much
entwined in his life
regularly, which is
why I responded
as I did.
The reasons for self-
destructive dysfunctional
behavior are generally
quite complex. Often,
the roots of the dysfunctional
behavior are established
within the family-of-origin.
What you described above
is characteristic of a chronological
"adult" who has never actually
been required to be a
fully-functioning adult
in real life, in the
real world.
In addition to extreme
immaturity, there are
also obviously issues
around addiction, which
are part of the way that
he manages to keep
his emotional and
psychological discomforts
at bay.
You ask what you
might be up against.
You're up against
an extremely
wounded individual
who needs serious
and on-going clinical
intervention.
If you see yourself
remaining in this
marriage, be prepared
for decades of
upheaval and trauma.
Again, I'm sorry my
first response was
less than what you
were looking for.
My personal and
professional perspective
in this second one is
that if your intent is
to attempt to continue
forward with this person
as your life-mate, please
get yourself to a clinician
whose specialty is
surviving with emotional
and financial chaos.
If you ever decide that
this is not going to be
how you want the rest
of your life to be, seek
out a therapist who's
great at pulling the
pieces shattered by
living with abuse and
trauma, back together.
Bottom-line, keep
practicing SELF-CARE
to the greatest degree
that you're able, on
any given day.
I think it's great that
you've set up to
speak with a
psychologist
and also that
you'll be participating
in a group. Well done.
At the moment I do a bank transfer of cash to pay his rent, utilities and his sister buys the groceries and takes them over, I then do a transfer of the cash to her account. I was requested by his family to handle that for a 4 week period. After that I will no longer do it. It's not like I have to see or speak to him for any of this.
I decided not to visit him as I did not think it would benefit anyone.
I also have decided that this forum seems to be a place for people to make themselves feel superior by judging others, reading into things that aren't there and also just not asking questions but actually TELLING people what to do - very controlling. So that's me outta here.
If things are going well for a family member everyone seems to ignore them, don't call etc but as soon as there is a drama or health issue everyone is in your face every day. They never paid any attention to me until this happened, now they speak to me daily. Hmm...