Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm so angry, so sad, so all the bad things right now. I let myself get sucked into a phone call with the crazy manipulating abusing alcoholic jerk tonight. I let him make me feel bad.
I'm still gone. I'm not going back.
At first he was all about being sorry and getting control of his drinking and how much he loves me. And then when I say, that we just don't work out together & we both know it and we've tried for years, yada yada yada . . . He then starts in about all that is wrong with me and how I never gave him what he needed & that I am starting to let myself go, how I left him after his mom just died, etc.
I actually started to defend myself again. Started to say, Hey that's not fair or right. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Immediate switch on his part to nasty, "If you're going to be a bitch, come get your crap now before I throw it out. I'm warning you. I will not be your friend if you cross me."
Soooo . . . . I know my part here too. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a bitch. yada yada yada
Then he calms down, apologizes again & starts telling me about what he did this weekend. Our friends came in from out of town, how disappointed they are in me that I would leave him right after his mom died, how they went out dancing and that he went to a pet store with them and is going to get a dog!!!
What?? He would never let me get a dog or a cat. Thinks they are too much responsibility, and are dirty, can't be in the house. And they went out dancing? I could never get him to go out dancing!!!
I was so worried about him earlier today that I actually started to drive over to make sure he was okay. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
So then I'm feeling sad and left out and all kinds of other negative thoughts.
This is so crazy making. He is just messing with my mind. It's like a million other conversations with him that make NO SENSE.
I finally said good night & then threw my phone across the room.
Screw this. I really, really don't need this crazy. I don't need those negative feelings. He won't get a dog. If he does, I feel sorry for the dog.
Okay, so I blew it tonight. I let him get to me. I'm still gone though & I'm not going back.
I'm still gone. I'm not going back.
At first he was all about being sorry and getting control of his drinking and how much he loves me. And then when I say, that we just don't work out together & we both know it and we've tried for years, yada yada yada . . . He then starts in about all that is wrong with me and how I never gave him what he needed & that I am starting to let myself go, how I left him after his mom just died, etc.
I actually started to defend myself again. Started to say, Hey that's not fair or right. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Immediate switch on his part to nasty, "If you're going to be a bitch, come get your crap now before I throw it out. I'm warning you. I will not be your friend if you cross me."
Soooo . . . . I know my part here too. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a bitch. yada yada yada
Then he calms down, apologizes again & starts telling me about what he did this weekend. Our friends came in from out of town, how disappointed they are in me that I would leave him right after his mom died, how they went out dancing and that he went to a pet store with them and is going to get a dog!!!
What?? He would never let me get a dog or a cat. Thinks they are too much responsibility, and are dirty, can't be in the house. And they went out dancing? I could never get him to go out dancing!!!
I was so worried about him earlier today that I actually started to drive over to make sure he was okay. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
So then I'm feeling sad and left out and all kinds of other negative thoughts.
This is so crazy making. He is just messing with my mind. It's like a million other conversations with him that make NO SENSE.
I finally said good night & then threw my phone across the room.
Screw this. I really, really don't need this crazy. I don't need those negative feelings. He won't get a dog. If he does, I feel sorry for the dog.
Okay, so I blew it tonight. I let him get to me. I'm still gone though & I'm not going back.
That is what THEY DO. I wonder if it even makes sense to them sometimes?
I am feeling so very similar tonight. Sad, angry, confused. Sucked back in to the CRAZY BS. But we are not with them and that is what matters.
And you should feel sorry for that poor dog.
For me, I know I am so tired of beating myself up when im the one whose in this skin so its best i learn to love myself. Easier said than done !!
Im tempted to text my abuser--crazy ! Just to get abused? (Ignored) He messed wuth my head saying he lived me wanted to marry me yada bullshit. Then turned it all around on me !
Thats where i know there is a core belief i have about who i am thay stems deeper than i realize.
These guys are just jerks. Mean and unfixable. I was never respected throughout my abusive experience and i get sad truly because i let it go on so long
Please know you are not alone and sound very brave to me.
We all are.
I think there are two lessons we need to get from this crap.
1. They make no sense & we should stop expecting them to make sense. Part of what is screwing us up is their NONsense. I truly think it makes sense to him, because it works for him!
2. We will make mistakes. We don't need to beat ourselves up for it when we do. We need to be kind and forgiving to ourselves. We get enough crap from them.
I'm learning, I'm starting to believe that I can take care of myself. I can find a happy, fulfilling life with family and friends. I can be fine without ANY man.
And after I think about it, I'm pretty sure the talk about the dog was just bull****. Just a little bait for me. He knows I really wanted a pet.
Pat yourself on the back. Sure, you slipped - but you're still gone and still not going back. And you learned a few valuable lessons along the way about who he really is. Maybe you've seen it all before, but every time we see it, particularly after we have gone, it makes things that much clearer.
You did well. It's so easy to get sucked in. The key is to turn your back again and keep walking, which is what you are doing. Well done!
So let's say I reacted in a "I'm sorry" kind of way, in a submissive, I take all responsibility kind of way (please note that this is what he would hear and see) then he would jump straight into attack mode. It's like you're an open target in their eyes. But, if I didn't give react in that way, if I was offended and I was like "hang on, how dare he!!" He'd pick up in that to and be all "I'm sorry, I love u, I will change!"
The problem with abusive people is that you're never going to be dealing with a person who is awake enough to themselves to be able to get with the logic and flow of an interaction with another person enough, to be able to have any kind of genuine connection between them both.
You're there and he's not, if that makes sense?
You can hold up the gate way to allow there to be a mural flow and he can't and doesn't know how to do so. The problem is that people can only ever work this out and find out how to do so for themselves, so it's not as if anyone can ever teach an abuser anything.
Another problem is the whole manipulating thing, abusers like my ex, will go off your reactions to get one over on you, never to interact with you, so you never know when the sorry is genuine and the anger is justified!
"The sorry is never genuine and the anger is never justified"
I went to a therapist at the last break up. She used the chair analogy with me. Pointed to a chair, said that is a chair, you can pretend it is a table or a piano, you can try to use it as a table or a piano, but it is a chair and you will never change that. He is a chair, a crazy broken chair and I am doing myself no good to keep expecting him to be a piano.
I woke up with a bit of clarity. I realized that reacted twice yesterday. Reacted, without thinking what is best for me. I think somehow, for some sick reason I am hooked on the drama.
I look forward to the day when he is out of my head.
Expecting a chair to be a piano....how simple yet how clear!
Thanks!
So, know he's telling all his friends HIS version of your relationship. You just need to not give a F what they think. And besides, he was SO depressed, he just had to go dancing? WTF?
Know your truth. Stick to your guns.
The best advice I ever got from one of my (man!) therapists? If you don't want to feel crazy, get rid of all the things that are negotiable in your life that make you feel crazy and then see how you are doing.
I dropped my abuser and things got instantly better.
Hugs.
I still have to get my stuff from his place, but that should be done by this weekend. I am having to deal with him on when/if I can come over to pack my stuff. He is alternately nice or an ass about it.
I just keep saying "I'm so glad I never have to live with him again."
It is that simple. It's best you do what you are doing and move on.
At least, that is how I see things.
Life is soooooo much better away from them trust me.
I'm in a wonderful relationship with a good kind man now but even before when I was single, life was wonderful abuse free!
Keep going!
Yes, I wouldn't know these things if I weren't FB stalking her though. :(