Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello! This will be my 3rd attempt at putting this post thru. I think I am doing it correctly but for the life of me can't find it posted after I type it up...3rd time is a charm? =)
I am sure you are all aware of the crazy cycle abusers create. I have gained strength and ready to get out after 21 yrs of emotional and verbal abuse. My question is when in the abusers crazy cycle is the best to leave? The honeymoon stage? The tension building stage or the actual outburst stage? I am ready, I am employed, I have a wonderful support system between work, church and friends. I am just having a HORRIBLE time making that final step out the door. Scared when he is enraged, feel horrible when he is in the honeymoon stage and the tension building stage can be so short I don't even know it is happening. We are currently in the honeymoon stage.
Any advice? Thanks!
I am sure you are all aware of the crazy cycle abusers create. I have gained strength and ready to get out after 21 yrs of emotional and verbal abuse. My question is when in the abusers crazy cycle is the best to leave? The honeymoon stage? The tension building stage or the actual outburst stage? I am ready, I am employed, I have a wonderful support system between work, church and friends. I am just having a HORRIBLE time making that final step out the door. Scared when he is enraged, feel horrible when he is in the honeymoon stage and the tension building stage can be so short I don't even know it is happening. We are currently in the honeymoon stage.
Any advice? Thanks!
Before I answer your question directly, I have to say that you shouldn't even consider leaving before you've done the work of developing a safety plan. There are lots of places to get info on how to do this. Your local women's center should be able to help. There's info on-line. I know there's posts on safety plans on DS and also on my own site.
Once that's in place, I would say the "honeymoon" phase is the best. I know that's the hardest moment for the victim emotionally. But it also offers the best chance of safety. But if you've gone around the cycle enough times, then at least you know intellectually, that the niice times and the nice gestures are manipulations at best, and are temporary and as fleeting as a spring day.
Congratulations on getting things in order and on knowing you have work and a support system. Don't forget the safety plan.
Best thoughts and prayers to you.
You sound like you have good judgement and determination. Be safe, well and self-nurturing. Good luck!
Ilene
Thanks for the response!
As others have posted I am an smart, caring, fun, nice looking,Christian, educated,solid, dependable....this list goes on(so my friends say!!) person and why I let this go on in my marriage for 21 years is beyond me. My daughter (20 yrs old) took a lot of the blow on her shoulders. His actions towards her and myself, and me constantly trying to prevent them has driven her far far far away. She is a drug addict, alcoholic, in trouble with the law, sex with anyone. It is sooooo sad. I have been thru it and then some. He rented the Fireproof movie last weekend and is trying the things in the movie. That is making me mad. I feel ungrateful but it is too late. Plus like you said it will go back the other direction shortly. SO...I say I am ready, finacially I am ready, I am just scared. Scared of his reaction. I also have a 14 yr old boy at home and that concerns me.
As far as an escape plan. I have one...I have people that are ready for me at 2 AM if need be. I just don't want to leave my house. It is my name. I know I may need to temporarily to get my point across. Right now we have been talking divorce for 2 months and he pretty much refuses to accept it. I think he gets it he just is using the manipulative controlling way to try to make it work. Sigh. It is exhausting.
Have a super weekend!
I'm going through a similar situation trying to limit contact w/ my controlling grandfather. Now that I have taken my house keys from him, and therefore his control over me and my house, he is going completely crazy trying to gain that control back. He's tried the abusive screaming and yelling and demanding me what to do. He's tried apologizing and begging. He's tried the guilt trip to try to make me feel bad. As soon as they realize one way doesn't work, they try another and another and another and then start over again. It sucks, but eventually they'll get it.
But that being said...once you are safe...Just do it. Just disappear. Whatever phase it's in....if you are safe, and your plan is in place, then go, and don't look back. I am going to disagree, just a little, with Ilene. (Ok Ilene, I don't do this often, LOL) but the honeymoon phase will change to the outburst phase in a New York minute when he finds out you are going. So....get your plan in place to cover all phases, and just go.
God bless, Godspeed. YOu are in my prayers.