What you're feeling, is, sadly, normal. There is something that will help.

Have you done Ilene's Index Card Exercise? I'm going to bump it up for you.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Also, if you can, go NO CONTACT. The longer you can go No Contact, the easier it becomes. If you have kids, I understand that's not possible, but you can keep it to one email or text a day ONLY to do with the kids. In this case, less is better. ;-)

You need to write down everything that happened to you (if you go back - write it down as it happens). Include what was said or done and how it made you feel. Write whatever is in your heart in the moment. The reason for this is because our brains tend to forget things as a way of shielding us from the horror of what we've gone through. I've been out of my abusive marriage for about 2 1/2 years now and found myself being sucked right back in. I read my journal and it saved my life because I had forgotten what a living hell it was to be there.

I agree with keeping some kind of journal about the bad stuff that happened and how you felt at the time. And re-read all that when you are questioning yourself.

Abuse is confusing, especially if there are no physical scars or bruises. It's very easy to convince yourself that there was something you could have done or said differently to make the situation better. I have been in that mindset many times, re-thinking things. But when I look at it objectively, I realize what I think would have diffused the abuse is only seen through hindsight and compltetely absurd. For example, she got mad at me because my car broke down. Really? There was nothing I could do about that! She would accuse me of cheating if I wore deodorant. How screwed up is that?! And there were times she was mad at me for complimenting her, or doing something that 99% of people would say is a good thing. I am sure you will find many incidents like that, where you got yelled at for giving a compliment or helping her, or doing something that is an honest mistake or completely normal for a human to do.

Try to take care, and not beat yourself up too much about this. we've all been through it.

I always say write it down in a journal, dates, times, etc. Then write how you felt when this happened. Whenever you start having 2nd thoughts, read what you wrote. This will help you keep your perspective.

Thanks, all. Working on the index card exercise. Iaven't waded through the past - I've been trying to focus on nailing things down when they happen. What she said, and identifying it as 'mirroring, monster making, gaslighting, minimizing...' etc. Adding how it made me feel sounds like a good plan, though.

I do have kids, and when I'm in contact with her, I'm doing everything I can to keep it to neutral topics - the kids (thankfully, she LOVES talking about the kids), movies, rehearsals. etc. I rarely have troubles with her unless the conversation comes around to feelings, wants, hopes, desires, my actions, her actions... Kind of at a point that I hope to spot abusive behavior from her, just so that a) II'm reassured that it's still going to continue and b) so that I'm not having to trust my own memories and perceptions.

Anyway, again, thanks for the help and support, y'all. This really is confusing, isn't it?