He's playing with her too. Just wait and see. His true self will come out.

He is just playing nice to her just like he did to you for awhile. He was just trying to get a reaction out of you with the pictures. Stupid jerk. When spouses get away from their abusers, it's sure to bad they just can't leave them alone. It seems the abuser is forever trying to prove how much better the new relationship. Funny, the more they try and "PROVE" it the more it makes everybody know it is themselves they are trying to convince. Pathetic isn't it!!
You posted that toward the end of your relationship he was starting to get abusive. You are so lucky you got away from him before you got physically hurt.
Enjoy life, you deserve it!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

What they said. Remember back to the beginning, when he pretended all sorts of things, before he started treating you like crap. The change wasn't your fault, it was the real him coming out once he was comfortable that you were hooked.

And now you got away. You must be punished for that. Abuse is all about control and power, leaving takes away their control and power which is NOT allowed in their world. So, as gem said, the pictures are there to punish you, to make you think he has now found someone so much better than you that he will change for her, that he will treat her right, that he will be for her what you wished he could be for you. But it's all a ruse. It's a double win for him - he gets to pretend to her that he's wonderful and gets to pretend to you that she's wonderful.

As for the anger, don't bottle it up, do vent it somehow or even just sit with it and acknowledge it and acknowledge your right to be angry. Don't vent it at him or her of course, you already know that will be counterproductive, but that doesn't mean you have to bottle it up, pretend it isn't there or pretend you don't have a right to it.

Also, never hate yourself for the way you feel - your feelings are perfectly normal and, even if they weren't, you would still have a right to them. There are no wrong emotions, only wrong reactions to them. Your anger for example is not wrong. Not wrong at all. Reacting to it by shouting at him in front of your child and his new woman would have been wrong, but the anger itself is not.

Some advocate beating a pillow or shouting at the top of your lungs or some other way of venting anger. Myself, I prefer to just acknowledge it, write it out, allow myself the right to be angry (not being allowed to have emotions is a big theme through my life, so it's important for me to allow myself my emotions), and I find it then goes away by itself when I don't need it any more. Right now, you probably still need your anger, because without it the pain might be too much. That will change with time and with the work you are doing for yourself.

Keep working on progress. And remember, remind yourself as often as you need to, that it was him, not you, who was not good enough. He is still who he is, so it doesn't matter who she is, how good, bad or otherwise she is, he will still be him. It wasn't your fault, and he hasn't changed. He just wants you both to think he has.

Thanks for the words! I really appreciate that, and I feel like it will happen to her as well. However, I was talking about this to my therapist (not this particular incident yet, just their relationship in general) and he made the observation that he may not act the same way with her because she may be more "type A" and "business-like" than I was and he has more respect for that type of person. That certainly didn't make me feel very good.

Last night, I was working on a massive purge/file project that I need to do. I found an old checkbook of mine from over 10 years ago (yeah - I really need to purge old files. LOL). I was going through the checkbook and found little love notes that he'd written to me. My son was right there beside me because he loves to use the paper shredder, so he was helping. He asked me what I was looking at, and I told him that it was old notes from his dad. We both looked sad for a moment, and he said "I wish you and my dad were still married so I could have a little brother." It made me feel a little sad for the life I can never have (and it was all a false life anyway). I just looked at my son and said "yeah, you really wish you could have a brother." He said "yeah" and went on to play with something else. I'm not really sure how I should bring it up with him to talk about, or if he even wants to talk about it.

re #4, I'm sorry, but IMHO, based on your therapist's comment, I doubt he understands the dynamics of abuse. Please take his comment w/a grain (less than a grain) of salt. Type A personality have nothing to do w/who gets abused. I would venture a guess that many of us in this group are in one way or another Type As. Just sayin....


Cali, I think you handled what your son said just beautifully. You were honest & you acknowledged his wish for a baby brother & did so w/o being negative about his dad. You clearly took the high road. IMHO, I wouldn't bring it up. I would let him say something more about a baby brother. Then you can explain gently (age appropriate) that it's not possible to do that right now. Just trust yourself. You are wise & loving & you will know what to say when the time comes.

I will tell you a little "type a" story that I am sure you will love! :)

I left h number one at the first incident of physical violence though he had already been v emotionally abusive. When I was about to marry h no. 2, i had to get hold of the divorce papers and didn't know how so I got into contact with him. He asked me if I was marrying again and then proceeded to tell me about his recent relationship.

"She was such a go-getter career woman, so dynamic when I met her. Then when we moved in together, she became depressed, never left the house, tired all the time, etc. etc. But it's crazy because when we broke up, she is back to being a top career woman again!"

OMG! I couldn't even believe he told me this. But obviously he was completely clueless!! He honestly did not realise it had anything to do with him. Type A's are not resistant to abuse, they just might rebound well though :))

Your gut tells you he won't treat her any better, you said so. Listen to your gut.

As for type A's, I can't say much about "types" but can say I was an Honours Law student when I met my first H, and was a successful trial attorney when I met my other two abusers.

The idea that "strong" or "smart" or "successful" or even rich women can't be or won't be abused is a total fallacy that buys into the stereotype of abuse victims all being female, straight, poor, uneducated, weak and stupid. It's simply not true. We are from all walks of life, all socioeconomic groups, all genders, sexual orientations and any other "grouping" you want to do.