Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I found this article and it fit my H to a tee and so I wanted to share it here with all of you.
(((((HUGS)))))
DeeDee
"Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU." Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are "the way the abuser treats his partner"
Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Check yourself out with these controlling behaviors or words:
CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!") The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.
CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!
CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:
Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing
CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!
CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example
CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best.
Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.
CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"
CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of "feeling," terrified of her leaving. Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you - as your wife and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself? If you have seen or heard yourself in the paragraphs above RUN, don't walk to get help. Suggested are the following steps:
Read everything you can about verbal abuse-several times over.
Listen to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain without shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of everything you've ever done that was abusive-ask your partner to review the list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner-read about women's experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.
Get into a men's group (a domestic violence men's group) to help root out the controlling behaviors and anger and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.
You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you change. But wouldn't you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your partner and your children? Don't you want to be free of the pain of your life? IT IS WORTH IT!
http://relationships911.org/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=4922
(((((HUGS)))))
DeeDee
"Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU." Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are "the way the abuser treats his partner"
Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Check yourself out with these controlling behaviors or words:
CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!") The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.
CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!
CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:
Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing
CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!
CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example
CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best.
Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.
CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"
CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of "feeling," terrified of her leaving. Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you - as your wife and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself? If you have seen or heard yourself in the paragraphs above RUN, don't walk to get help. Suggested are the following steps:
Read everything you can about verbal abuse-several times over.
Listen to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain without shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of everything you've ever done that was abusive-ask your partner to review the list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner-read about women's experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.
Get into a men's group (a domestic violence men's group) to help root out the controlling behaviors and anger and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.
You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you change. But wouldn't you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your partner and your children? Don't you want to be free of the pain of your life? IT IS WORTH IT!
http://relationships911.org/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=4922
Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing
THIS WAS MY LIFE WITH MY ABUSER!!!!!
Thanks for the great read and VALIDATION.
Every bit of this controlling behavior, however, I experience every day. The only exception is financial, since I make all the money in the household.
I do appreciate all the good in him, I truly do. But this behavior I do NOT appreciate.
CONTROLLING HER TIME: No, didn't really fit me, but I don't like when people do this.
CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: She controls the bank, but I help when she asks. I have withheld work, but not because I promised to do the work, but rather she expects that I am a handy man. Sigh. I don't really know how to do a lot of things. Computers is about all I know. So any house work like fixing sinks, light fixtures, broken toilets, etc. are a bit of a chore for me.
CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: Only area I had in this section was withdrawing or withholding affection. It's kind of hard to show affection when you are angry.
CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: Not really anything in this area other than "That's not what I said, or meant". Have you ever been so frustrated you didn't know how to say what you've meant? I've been there, my house was not much different than the current Administration, honey, we just can't keep on spending! I know it's frustrating not to get things, some items that are necessary, but from time to time we hit the road of reality and there is no money to pay for those things, but eventually the times of plenty come. I would say that we are doing all right, but in the eyes of many women, there's always room for more. Not saying that's a bad thing, just I'm not a stuff person really, unless it makes life easier. I also love some of the decoration stuff it gives our house a warm feeling, so yeah I really do appreciate her touches.
CONTROLLING HER BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: Once upon a time, I was in so much denial and would put the burden solely on her shoulders. There is still an accountablity but that street is two way with a tone of love now.
CONTROLLING HER BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Nope, she is the best woman on the planet in my opinion. Though I am the head of the house, she is a controlling partner, so her rule is the same as mine. Because in God's economy, being the leader is truly becoming the servant of all.
CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER: Nope, no fit here.
By the way this life style of CONTROLLING is in everyone on the planet who has not surrendered their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ, since the old sin nature loves to be in control, this is one of the reasons so many have trouble surrendering control to Jesus. Once surrendered to His love, I can fully agree with Paul who said of the love of God "I show you a more excellent way".
Jesus actually demonstrated this selfless unconditional love in His life and death. The New Testament, like the book of Galatians chapter 5, is full of these examples of the life of the flesh (CONTROLLING), versus the life of the Spirit (selfless love).
Reminding me of the native American elder who told the story of two wolves when referring to the good and bad battling within him. The young indian asked "Which one wins"? The wise elder replied "The one I feed the most". So too the bible says "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked, for whatsoever a man sows, that will he also reap." Sow to the flesh, reap of the flesh, sow to the Spirit, reap of the Spirit.
I think an honest inspection of myself is that I am truly a work (of His) in progress, this is not to excuse my sins of the flesh, but to understand I am not perfect but I am following the Master who is the only One who was ever perfect. I do say, if you want to be successful, you might want to follow someone who is successful. His nature of love is perfect in my mind, it ministers to every need, He cared enough to surrender His life in our place of judgment, all because of His unlimited love for us. I hear Joshua say "Choose you this day whom you will serve, as for me and my house we will serve the LORD". I choose Jesus. I want to be like Him, then I know I will be more of a blessing to all.
Here is an idea of how an abusive person would react - this is from my own personal experience:
"Controlling her time": Him:when are you going to be home? 5 minutes later - how close are you? Me- I'll be about 10 more minutes than I said...Him- that's okay, I'm used to being a non-priority. Here's another: Him: I can't believe I was here to talk to you, and you're not home yet(via msn when we lived apart) Me: sorry, tried to get it as close to the time as I could...(It was my son's birthday, he gave me a huge guilt trip and completely ruined my early lunch I had with my son...yes EARLY, so I could accomodate HIS schedule.) I spent the rest of the day miserable and apologizing.
I could give you many more examples, and worse than this with each thing you mentioned, but that would go on forever.
You seem like you are doing your best to be a good partner to your wife. Good for you!
Now I realize these were carefully manipulated ploys of his to make me look like I was the crazy out of control one. After being accused of this many times, I eventually just shut up about everything...he was right about everything...I was basically a compliant robot, a former shell of myself.
Unfrigginbelievable!
Its SO helpful...
Brought back some shit memories to me..That remind me how lucky I am to have got out...
I also feel very lucky that I don't have to checklist myself for abuse..because I am 100% sure my ex was the abuser...
THis article brought back a horrible memory to me..Of when we used to get ready to open Christmas presents with the children...My ex would ALWAYS disappear to the toilet...and would stay there for ages...Always JUST as we were all excited..and about to get down to opening presents..
I used to wait in the beginning..and then learnt over the years..To ignore him, and carry on opening the presents with the children regardless..(Presents that I had bought and had thought of..and had carefully wrapped up and stored up long in advance of Christmas!!)..
Its good to remember things like that after you get out....It really helps to remind you of what horrible sick abusive things you once had to deal with...
To think he would go so far as to control that situation..and to leave the children without his sharing in their pleasure..Just to blindside me..and just to disrupt and upset the joy of the moment??..To hurt me?...They are so sick..
The only part of the article I find galling..is the glib advise to the abuser?....In all my experience of abuse..abusers would NEVER take that advise...and by making out that you can givie it to them..As if they are receptive to change and self awareness...Is not recognising the nature of an abuser..
Abusers justify, deny, negate, deliberately refuse to acknowledge their behaviours, they deliberately behave the way they do, in order to have 'control over'.
They don't just 'stop controlling'..They CHOOSE to control...
They notoriously DON'T want to change..and can't and won't...
Reminding them of their abuse often only alerts them to remembering better ways to abuse..
They ARE aware of the effects of verbal abuse on their partner..That WHY they do it..
They notoriously refuse to read anything about abuse...Abusers get off on..and WANT to control..
Your experience of 'pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.'...Is actually their aim..Thats what the control is ALL about..
This article asks an abuser?..'Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you - as your wife and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself?'
Going by the statistics..of around only 2% of abusers 'changing' and being willing and able to change...and also...by all the shared experiences of everyone here who have left their abuser...I would say the answer to that...Is a big fat NO..
Thats my opinion....?..
Abuse is so sick and convoluted..Most of us who have managed to leave our abusers, are still suffering and are trying very hard to heal from it...
They don't do the following..and then suddenly go..hey!!..I'll stop now?..I will look at myself?..If they did..there would be no need for this forum??
its who they 'are'...its what they are...and the only cure for it, and for most people...Is to run far and fast from it.
CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"
Anyone who does the above, deliberately..To have 'control over'..Is very sick....
And to me, the saddest part is...they DON'T change..and they leave us..Brokenhearted...Very hurt...and very damaged..and very lost and disappointed..and very confused...
From all I have discovered...Its 'all' about control....And its sick..Cruel...and its very unfortunate for us..that we get so badly affected by an abuser...
I have no sympathy for them...And I feel that I have very painfully earned the right to that opinion...and I have NO faith in their ability to change...based on all my knowledge, and all the facts, and on my experience, and others experience, of abuse.
This piece explains it well for me...
'ABUSIVE ANGER:
MEN ARE NOT ABUSIVE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANGER, THEY HAVE CHRONIC ANGER BECAUSE THEY ARE ABUSIVE.
This is so misunderstood that abuse is NOT about anger. Focusing on anger management, never achieves any real change.
Individuality offends an abusers arrogant sense of certainty about everything, and their bloated sense of entitlement demands such unrealistic expectations of course they're going to feel anger.
They believe they are owed so much they just never get from the women whose spirits they've crushed with their need to have power over. Without changing their core attitudes, they will always be angry.
Abusive anger is a tactic used purely for intimidation and CONTROL.
He CAN control it if it makes him look bad, like in front of a cop or his boss or acquaintances , but when his partner complains that his cursing/yelling/pounding is upsetting, he'll claim he can't control himself.
What he's really saying is that he's given himself 'permission' to attack because he's being denied something he feels he is entitled to, like his undisputed right to expect her to do everything to cater to him.