Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been coming across that word a lot, and I'm clinging to it, because I understand it.
The greek root of the word means very much the same things as "To be broken, shattered, ravaged, or crushed."
When a good person does something wrong, they are crushed. They realize what a bad choice they made, and they have an empathetic awareness of how much pain they've caused another, unjustly. It's not a simple thing. It's hitting absolute rock bottom. It's full of sorrow, and regret, and a yearning to undo what was done. Moreover, it's humble - you can't see clearly how bad you were while protecting yourself, defending yourself. There's that horrible, bottomless, truthful realization of "I did something terrible, and I deserve to be punished for it. I never want to do anything like that again."
I know that feeling well. I know what it feels like, I know what color it is, what it tastes like. And I know how it makes me behave, particularly to those I hurt. There's... a sensation of almost "take the authority from me - I do terrible things with it. Never let me do this again." There is NO seeking after of power, NO defense - it is complete and total submission.
I know that my abuser trained me to know that taste. When you are contrite, so totally submissive - they have complete control. It's right where they want you to be. Unfortunately for her, I also know the feeling well enough to recognize when I see it in others. I'm frequently asked "Well, she's apologized, she's offered to put the past behind you both, she's behaving better - why isn't that enough for you? And the answer - which I'm clinging to - is because I know there is no contrition there.
To those who know what the word means, they nod their head sadly. They know the feeling, as well. And know what its absense feels like. Unfortunately, it does require trusting your gut - no one can tell you when someone else is at that point. You have to be there - it's apparent in every word, the way they hold their head, the way they react. Recognizing it is intuitive. Every single thing about them radiates defeat, dispair, surrender. They're crushed. Devastated. It's a terrible feeling to feel, especially over long periods of time. It isn't something you recover from or bounce back from, it's a place to start over, to rebuild from.
So often we've all asked the question "How do I know if it's real this time?" Contrition is the answer. When the wrong is the consistant destruction and brainwashing of someone who trusted you completely - that's going to require a LOT of contrition. After that, the old ways are burned to the ground, never to be revisited. Even a tiny glimpse of old habits is enough to justify doubt as to whether it is real. Months, years need to go by without even a shadow of doubt that they think they "don't deserve this"
They totally do. And the instant they say they don't, you know it's fake - because a contrite person would constantly be telling themselves that they do.
Just my thoughts.
The greek root of the word means very much the same things as "To be broken, shattered, ravaged, or crushed."
When a good person does something wrong, they are crushed. They realize what a bad choice they made, and they have an empathetic awareness of how much pain they've caused another, unjustly. It's not a simple thing. It's hitting absolute rock bottom. It's full of sorrow, and regret, and a yearning to undo what was done. Moreover, it's humble - you can't see clearly how bad you were while protecting yourself, defending yourself. There's that horrible, bottomless, truthful realization of "I did something terrible, and I deserve to be punished for it. I never want to do anything like that again."
I know that feeling well. I know what it feels like, I know what color it is, what it tastes like. And I know how it makes me behave, particularly to those I hurt. There's... a sensation of almost "take the authority from me - I do terrible things with it. Never let me do this again." There is NO seeking after of power, NO defense - it is complete and total submission.
I know that my abuser trained me to know that taste. When you are contrite, so totally submissive - they have complete control. It's right where they want you to be. Unfortunately for her, I also know the feeling well enough to recognize when I see it in others. I'm frequently asked "Well, she's apologized, she's offered to put the past behind you both, she's behaving better - why isn't that enough for you? And the answer - which I'm clinging to - is because I know there is no contrition there.
To those who know what the word means, they nod their head sadly. They know the feeling, as well. And know what its absense feels like. Unfortunately, it does require trusting your gut - no one can tell you when someone else is at that point. You have to be there - it's apparent in every word, the way they hold their head, the way they react. Recognizing it is intuitive. Every single thing about them radiates defeat, dispair, surrender. They're crushed. Devastated. It's a terrible feeling to feel, especially over long periods of time. It isn't something you recover from or bounce back from, it's a place to start over, to rebuild from.
So often we've all asked the question "How do I know if it's real this time?" Contrition is the answer. When the wrong is the consistant destruction and brainwashing of someone who trusted you completely - that's going to require a LOT of contrition. After that, the old ways are burned to the ground, never to be revisited. Even a tiny glimpse of old habits is enough to justify doubt as to whether it is real. Months, years need to go by without even a shadow of doubt that they think they "don't deserve this"
They totally do. And the instant they say they don't, you know it's fake - because a contrite person would constantly be telling themselves that they do.
Just my thoughts.
But it's irrelevant, since It's currently not a question of "Am I certain she's feeling contrite?" and is very much a question of "Am I seeing even one thing which would make me think she is?"
Possibly related - I've gone to a few AA meetings with my girlfriend. And when people speak, I have heard several people speak of that moment when they finally broke down on their knees and it all made sense. they realized the harm they were causing themselves. And after that, their sobriety became easier. They were describing a religious or spiritual experience, something that goes beyond simple cognition. It was a point where it was more than just "knowing" that the drugs or alcohol abuse had hurt them or others, but of "feeling" that their actions had been wrong. They all describe before that moment, they were just doing the steps, afterwards, they were living them.
And my girlfriend's response "I don't believe in getting down on my knees for anyone." she thinks these people are over dramatizing and full of themselves. I think before she truly reaches the next stage in recovery, she needs to feel (and not just "know") that it's all connected - that she is responsible for herself, that she causes her own pain, that she needs to change her outlook, not just stay sober.
I've gotten to the point with her where she has apologized for some past behavior. But the apology comes like this: "I was really mean to you for a few months, wasn't I?" "Yes you were" "I'm sorry." First, she had to ask. Second, she is apologizing for her bad behavior, not specifically for hurting me. Third, elements of the bad behavior continue after that apology. I think she does feel bad about it. But to me the act of contrition would be to apologize without having to ask me if she did bad, and recognize the pain it caused me in her apology. I don't expect or need her to feel totally crushed or hit rock bottom or feel defeat or despair.
I definitely understand this. I think you will have to look small, though, if you really even care to look. And from my experience, that small thing you will contemplate for a few days, and then you will eventually decide "I still don't have enough evidence." This will be followed by another glimpse of her old behavior, which makes you re-assess that small thing as an aberration. eventually you get to the point where you just assume the negative, and the small things are no longer seen.
I've often thought about my abusers, that if they would have only come down off their high horses and let me see them as human beings - vulnerable, in that 'crushed' state that they put me in so many times - then I would have been able to work on maintaining a relationship with them. That was really all I wanted. To know that I was with truly feeling, receptive people, who could a) appreciate the effects of their actions on others; and b) feel contrition when those effects included hurt and damage.
But I never saw any unadulterated contrition, untainted by any 'if...' or 'but....' And that was my deciding fact in coming to the conclusion that I was done.
I know the awfulness of the feeling, and it is just as you describe above. I needed to see that evidenced in my abusers' behaviour and did not get it. Personally, I cannot work with someone who is not sorry for doing such terrible things, and who may very well repeat those things for the rest of their days if I stay with them.
Great analysis, thank you. I didn't know the origin of the word before :) xxx
And I respectfully disagree with "looking small". I think that's how they trap us. They give us a small hint at contrition, rather than the real deal, and it keeps us hooked because it seems to be a sign that they are getting there, it's progress. But it's not. And yes, to this: "When the wrong is the consistant destruction and brainwashing of someone who trusted you completely - that's going to require a LOT of contrition". It's not enough that they show a little contrition for one aspect, one thing they did back then. For there to be any hope, it has to be contrition for the whole of what they have done. And like the story of the alcoholic who falls on their knees, I think it happens all at once or not at all.
That's just my view.
As Yoda said, "Do. Or do not. There is no try." To try is to prepare to fail. And that's not ok when lives are on the line.