I just got word that my grandma died today. I live in Houston and my entire family is in Washington state. All I wanted was for someone to hug me and love me. I will tell you it took ALL I had inside of me to not call *him* or drive to his house in tears. Knowing that he would probably very willingly hug me and tell me it was all ok. But I knew, in the logical part of my brain that this would only be a temporary fix. The longer I go the more I realize that *we* cannot fix *them* (the abusers). He would have loved if I had come over there a mess because that would have meant he had control again. Instead, I am healing myself and comforting myself as crappy as it is, because I refuse to let him think I still need or even want him. I even had thoughts of calling leaving a nasty voicemail that hinted about how much pain I was in, hoping he'd come by to "rescue" me. I will not give in though, and i will take control of myself.