Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I think is was Liv that compared the process of overcoming/letting go of an abuser with a climb up the mountain. (Sorry if I got that wrong.)
A lot of you wonderful folks know my time with the ex (at least the time he was really mean) was short-lived...a few months at best. And I do believe recovery time is in part related to the amount of time you endured the abuse or bad behavior.
Well, I have been away from him for a month and a half. I am for the most part feeling a whole lot better. I can smile, laugh out loud and get through the day without crying. (I've always been an "easy" crier.)
It's weird though...last week when I experienced my first whole day without a tear things seemed so clear...he was bad and I had to get away from him.
Now a week later I find myself questioning was it really awful? Could we have worked through it? Is my memory correct? DId I give it a fair shot?
When I start having these thoughts I just refuse to go there and try really hard to think about something else.
I'm assuming this is a normal part of the twists and turns of the climb, yes?
A lot of you wonderful folks know my time with the ex (at least the time he was really mean) was short-lived...a few months at best. And I do believe recovery time is in part related to the amount of time you endured the abuse or bad behavior.
Well, I have been away from him for a month and a half. I am for the most part feeling a whole lot better. I can smile, laugh out loud and get through the day without crying. (I've always been an "easy" crier.)
It's weird though...last week when I experienced my first whole day without a tear things seemed so clear...he was bad and I had to get away from him.
Now a week later I find myself questioning was it really awful? Could we have worked through it? Is my memory correct? DId I give it a fair shot?
When I start having these thoughts I just refuse to go there and try really hard to think about something else.
I'm assuming this is a normal part of the twists and turns of the climb, yes?
I will be looking for the same answers ..... from the board.
Good for you that you are staying away.
There is no going back in my situation...which I guess is a good thing.
I'm sorry you are being bombarded by contacts from your ex. I haven't posted because there is nothing I could add to very sage responses you've received.
I will say that I don't believe him. It's apparent to me (an outsider, remember) that it's all a faade to get you back under his grip.
And I know from you enlightened posts that you deserve worlds better. And if you can just hold on and stay away you will have to a chance to find it.
Peace
And yes it is also part of the twists and turns of the climb to go from certainty to uncertainty and back again. That's a part of why Ilene developed her Index Card Exercise - so that when you hit that doubting phase, you can counter it with the knowledge of all the things he did that were unacceptable, all the ways in which he treated you badly, all the reasons why, no matter what fault you have and no matter what else you could have done, ultimately it was HIS actions and the way he treated you that meant the relationship had to end.
I worry that its a reflection on me...that I can't believe I did the right thing in leaving. Urrr. And, yes, I am in therapy with a good therapist. I just want to believe in me. I want to hold my head high and KNOW, REALLY KNOW, I walked away from a very bad relationship.
Just keep on keeping on, keep working on you and your worth. Pat yourself on the back for every achievement, no matter how small, no matter whether you think "everybody" can do that, just pat yourself on the back anyway because YOU achieved it. I found that helped a lot with getting myself out of the constant self-doubt.
There's a reason I chose to
use index cards for the exercise
I developed, instead of journaling
or making lists. (One reason, is
to allow focus on each incident
or category, on its own, instead
of as part of a string of things.)
Every feeling you've described
is normal. Since you're now
questioning your memory and
your decision, it's important
right now to spend some time
recalling your experience of
the relationship, even if it's
boring or painful to do that.
For the record, can you put into
numbers how many times you
tried to talk with him, shared
with him your issues, attempted
to get his attention to get on a
better track, reach him, ask for
more focus on what you needed
to share? I'm guessing, (if you're
like most of us), that you tried to
reach him with "issues" too many
times to even count. Am I wrong?
If that's the case. . . . how many
more "fair shots" is he entitled to?
What are YOU entitled to???????
A happy, abuse-free life?
I hope you'd say 'yes.'
When you're having thoughts
doubting your decision, please
refocus on what life was really
like, whatever method you
choose to use.
Sending hugs and
healing prayers.
Take good care!