Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
In conversations with my ex, he said that he knows it was wrong to be verbally abusive (said he doesnt like that word tho) and wish he had never treated me that way. He said I did not treat him well tho either. This confuses me and makes me wonder what my role really is in all this or at least, what can i learn from all this? We met when i was 19 and dated for 4 years before marrying for 20 years. From the very beginning he had an anger problem. I was a very shy, reserved girl who knew nothing really about how to treat a man as my mom was divorced and i didnt see a lot of good relationship modeling.
So, I loved him and wanted to make him happy but apparently i came across as uncaring and cold. We started having sex within a short period of time after dating but i was so nervous with it. He wanted me to have a 3 some (didnt), sex in park and on beach (did this but nervous), and be more adventurous with it (video'd ourselves once but I was not comfortable!) but i was too shy. He would make me feel like i was really abnormal saying i was the only girl he'd ever met like this. I didn't think much to go to watch him play sports (not on purpose) and i wasn't overly affectionate and this made him feel very insecure. Again, I loved him but didnt know how to show it well. He would say i didn't do things like buy him presents for no reason, clean his apt. just to help, make him dinner, kiss him enough, cuddle with him enough, didnt call him honey and never made him feel like he was special and "my man". I still loved him but early on, walked on eggshells, felt hurt and even more reserved which didnt help the marriage. on our honeymoon, I was not all over him like the other new couples and he screamed at me and threatened to divorce me when we got home. I started keeping a journal to record the nice things, loving things, sexual things i did do for him so when he accused me of being cold i could say, not really. Like, for ex, I rented a limo on our first anniversary and changed into a couple different lingerie outfits during the nite inbetween stops and had sex in limo with fruit and our cake. There is truth to the fact that i am not an overly affectionate person and wasnt the most attentive wife but i did truly love him. He says this is how the abuse started with me.He has said things like "you need to see how a real woman acts in the bedroom", "you have a 1 good to 10 bad personality trait" "cold f'"ing bitch" "waste of life" "so unthoughtful". I was so hurt by all his comments and feel i never really grew as a woman in this relationship. He says, yes he was wrong but he was so insecure and hurt by me. He still asks.." why couldnt you have just let go with me??" As far as what came first...I think it was my reserved personality. So, what's to learn from all this? How guilty should i feel? Sorry so long. Thank you for reading.
So, I loved him and wanted to make him happy but apparently i came across as uncaring and cold. We started having sex within a short period of time after dating but i was so nervous with it. He wanted me to have a 3 some (didnt), sex in park and on beach (did this but nervous), and be more adventurous with it (video'd ourselves once but I was not comfortable!) but i was too shy. He would make me feel like i was really abnormal saying i was the only girl he'd ever met like this. I didn't think much to go to watch him play sports (not on purpose) and i wasn't overly affectionate and this made him feel very insecure. Again, I loved him but didnt know how to show it well. He would say i didn't do things like buy him presents for no reason, clean his apt. just to help, make him dinner, kiss him enough, cuddle with him enough, didnt call him honey and never made him feel like he was special and "my man". I still loved him but early on, walked on eggshells, felt hurt and even more reserved which didnt help the marriage. on our honeymoon, I was not all over him like the other new couples and he screamed at me and threatened to divorce me when we got home. I started keeping a journal to record the nice things, loving things, sexual things i did do for him so when he accused me of being cold i could say, not really. Like, for ex, I rented a limo on our first anniversary and changed into a couple different lingerie outfits during the nite inbetween stops and had sex in limo with fruit and our cake. There is truth to the fact that i am not an overly affectionate person and wasnt the most attentive wife but i did truly love him. He says this is how the abuse started with me.He has said things like "you need to see how a real woman acts in the bedroom", "you have a 1 good to 10 bad personality trait" "cold f'"ing bitch" "waste of life" "so unthoughtful". I was so hurt by all his comments and feel i never really grew as a woman in this relationship. He says, yes he was wrong but he was so insecure and hurt by me. He still asks.." why couldnt you have just let go with me??" As far as what came first...I think it was my reserved personality. So, what's to learn from all this? How guilty should i feel? Sorry so long. Thank you for reading.
The abuser always turns it around to try to make you think you are the problem, when I assure you, HE is the problem, not you. When he makes you doubt yourself it is redirection and reflection...HE is the abuser, not you. It is abusive to call someone names and to ask them to do things they are not comfortable with sexually...
Don't feel guilty, just look at your relationship in a whole new perspective...
Hugs to you for better days ahead...