I don't know how I feel.

My life has literally just been one thing after another, after another.

First, I was raped and beat into silence for four years by a man I was taught to love and trust. Then my parents started drinking heavily, and with that came verbal and physical abuse. Because of the abuse, I started partying. Because of partying, I got pregnant- then discovered I will never be able to carry a fetus until it's able to survive birth. Because of that, I got depressed and partied a little too hard one night, and got gang raped by three men. Two months later, I went to another party and started having a panic attack. Due to the panic attack, I started drinking, and wound up blacking out. When I came to, I was naked, and underneath some guy. When life finally started to feel okay- survivable, my mom decides it's time to stop smoking. Because she stopped smoking, she drank more than before. Due to that, one night while we were in an arguement she tells me to kill myself.

Am I going to actually kill myself?

No, I'm not.... I mean, when she first said that, I was pissed. Then I got drunk, and I seriously started contemplating it. My entire teenage life, I've been told to kill myslef by bullies from school, but I never listened to them because they never meant anything to me- like I just never cared enough about what they thought of me to take their words to heart. But this time? This time it was my own mother telling me to end my existance. I was shocked and sad and instantly depressed. For days after that night, I couldn't find the energy to move. I just lyed in the same spot, on the floor of my safe place for two days. I didn't get up unless it was to use the bathroom- and that didn't happen often because in those two days, I didn't eat or drink anything. I didn't answer or even look at my phone. By the third and fourth day, I could move, but I didn't do much. I just went to work, and basically watched the minutes pass by. I rarely talked to anyone- I drank a few sips of water, but I still didn't eat anything... Tonight is the first time that I've felt up to do anything. This is the first time I've looked at my phone or computer for almost four days. Tonight, I went for a five mile walk and a one and a hald mile run. When I got back, I made some food and ate most of it- and drank two bottles of water. I'm feeling a lot better- I feel like I can see a light getting closer and closer after being in the mind numbing darkness for so long.

What's changed, you might ask?

I don't know... I think I've finally just decided that I want a life. I want a life that has a happy ending, and there is no way in hell that I'm going to get that if I keep going the way I've been going the last few days. I think it's finally clicked that my life is worth living. That I shouldn't listen to one of the people that's been abusing me for the last six years because after what she's done, she doesn't deserve my respect. I think I've finally realised that I've survived years and years of abuse and horrible mishaps, and there is no way that that is alll my life is going to be- one bad thing after another- my life is going to be something amazing- I'm determined.

So I guess, I'm feeling happy- confident- hopeful.