Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
If you happen to see this in the next day or two, give me your input (please!)
The background to this is my ex was abusive towards all of us but particularly physically abusive towards the kids. The courts have decided that it is a great idea to give this man parenting time every other weekend with his victims - something I am horrified by, but I try to remember he has not hurt them since we started doing so.
When the kids are with him, he neglects them. They come home unbathed because there's no soap at his place, their hair uncombed, wearing dirty clothes because he didn't do laundry. We had another significant episode this weekend that was very upsetting for the kids.
Now, you and I know this is inappropriate behavior, even abusive. I have no question about that. What I do want to know is if it's worth it to call him out on it. Do I call or send a note reminding him that we've talked about these issues before and he needs to take care of the kids when he has them? Or am I just wasting my breath and inviting retaliation?
He's a very volatile person and big on revenge (if I say something that makes him feel diminished he will need to get me back so he feels powerful again.) I feel like it's my responsibility to say something, but also that it wouldn't make a difference anyway and will only start one of his cascades of anger, which I would rather avoid.
Dealing with abusive exes is so hard :( I never know which side of the line to come down on.
The background to this is my ex was abusive towards all of us but particularly physically abusive towards the kids. The courts have decided that it is a great idea to give this man parenting time every other weekend with his victims - something I am horrified by, but I try to remember he has not hurt them since we started doing so.
When the kids are with him, he neglects them. They come home unbathed because there's no soap at his place, their hair uncombed, wearing dirty clothes because he didn't do laundry. We had another significant episode this weekend that was very upsetting for the kids.
Now, you and I know this is inappropriate behavior, even abusive. I have no question about that. What I do want to know is if it's worth it to call him out on it. Do I call or send a note reminding him that we've talked about these issues before and he needs to take care of the kids when he has them? Or am I just wasting my breath and inviting retaliation?
He's a very volatile person and big on revenge (if I say something that makes him feel diminished he will need to get me back so he feels powerful again.) I feel like it's my responsibility to say something, but also that it wouldn't make a difference anyway and will only start one of his cascades of anger, which I would rather avoid.
Dealing with abusive exes is so hard :( I never know which side of the line to come down on.
Have to admit, I have no idea about what it's like to have to send your children off to an abuser for parenting time as I have no kids. But it does sound like it might do more harm than good to 'prod the tiger' as it were.
The only thing I can think of is to work on your position, not him. You know how he is likely to react, so work around that knowledge, maybe? Take and keep photos and written dated evidence of the damage, and don't let him know you are compiling it. Maybe if you can prove this is a pattern in his behaviour, the court might have to take your evidence seriously?
I'm sorry this is so little to offer, but if it's any consolation, my blood is boiling on yours and your kids' behalf. One last thing, could you discreetly give your kids toilet items before they leave you, so they can get a bath and change clothes without his input? If you do that, write it down as well, that you had to give them those things because their dad doesn't provide them.
Sorry if any of what I've said is no use. Take care of yourself and hugs xxx
I agree w/rockin. My first thoughts while reading your OP were questions:
Is there any way that the neglect can be proved? (photos, witnesses, therapists records, surprise visit by CPS, etc.)
Is there anything in the court order than specifies what his parenting duties are? Was he required to take a parenting class? If so, did he take it?
If the answer to any of these is yes, is there is any way the courts can remind him instead of you? Of course w/an abuser, even if it comes from someone else, there's no guarantee that he still won't take it out on you or the kids. :-((
Altho, even as I ask these questions, it occurs to me that if the courts are stupid enough to think it's a good thing to put the kids w/an abusive father, then why would they do anything now to protect them. (It just infuriates me that the courts decide that its a good thing to expose children to abusive parents.)
The only way I see around this would be to take the children to a QUALIFIED therapist (one who has additional training in recovery from abuse and, if the kids are young, who specializes in play therapy). Therapists are mandated reporters, so if s/he suspects neglect or any other harm being done to the kids, then it may get reported.
The advantage to finding a good qualified therapist for the kids is that they will learn new coping tools and have a safe neutral place to vent.
I'm so sorry you and your children are still having to deal with him.
Thank goodness he has them only every other weekend.
Could you pack them little travel kits with grooming items to take with them?
In my experience, I would only say something to him for a record that you can use in court later.
Photos and a therapist are both resources I had forgotten about, so I'll see what I can do. And definitely I can put together clothes and toiletries for them to bring in the future. We've gone through the unbrushed hair issue before and the girls were great at brainstorming idea to cope with it, like doing each other's hair or having me put it in braids to last all weekend without too many snarls.
I'm glad to have reaffirmed that my gut feeling (to not contact him) might be correct in this case. I just don't want to let the kids down.
The court system here is simply awful. I was told by our social worker that this is one of the (if not the) most father-friendly districts in the nation, and it is extremely rare for mothers to get anything more than 50/50, even in cases of abuse. It has been so incredibly frustrating, especially to know it could have been worse. I do agree with dads having equal rights to their children of course, but no convicted abuser of any gender should have them. Unfortunately no one is asking me.
It may take time, but you can build up a record against him without him knowing about it. Also, I would guess that you will want to try not get into big yelling matches with him because that will only work against you if there are witnesses and a future court battle to get full custody. Who knows? Maybe you will at some point get a job somewhere else that has a better court system and then you can use this evidence. Or maybe you should ignore what you hear about the courts in your area and keep trying. I guess an attorney who is sympathetic would be the best one to determine that. Best wishes to you and your children. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
But is it THAT bad??? I know it's horrible to say, but knotty hair vs having some Dad presence... could it be he's mentally unbalanced and just can't get his sh!t together?
I'd be less worried about neglect (different from abuse) and more concerned about the physical things from the past you mentioned. Have you had any indication that he's harming them? If not, I'd say that's a marked improvement.
If you say he's volatile, he may harm them to get at you for making trouble... Just document everything and keep your friends close and enemies closer. And do NOT let your kids know what you are doing... they may feel caught in the middle. Kids will always internalize it and feel guilty. You don't want that.
If you model the correct behavior, they're not stupid- they'll see that Dad's dropping the ball and they'll begin to pick it up on their own when they get old enough.
Hugs.