Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
First of all I have been reading alot of posts in this support group and have not seen not many people on the giving end here. After a long journal entry detailing how I am accepting my role in the break down of our 18 year marriage and 22 years total being a couple it was commented on that I appear to be a verbally abusive person.
I have been stuck on the fact my wife betrayed our marriage on two occasions. D-day for the second time is approaching two years ago. (More can be read on my profile.)
I feel powerless right now with no control over the situation. That has been a feeling I have had for the past 6 months. We were going to couples counselling but at the first of the year our insurance changed and have not been back. While I felt the counselling was going good she felt attacked. I am angry with her going outside of the marriage and cheating on me. My feelings on it were it was her choice to do the things she did and she should feel bad enough to crawl back to me and apologize. Actually apologize alot. While I didn't help out with certain items around the house I do 95% of the cooking, work third shift, wake up with only a few hours sleep and still function. I would agree to helping out more with the cleaning duties and squeeze all that in while running our 9 and 13 year old kids around to appointments and sports. along with fixing the items that broke around the house and the cars. What more does she want from me? I just couldn't put my finger on it. Our friends would always say how they wish their husbands would do the things I do. (I am a mechanic and enjoy working on and fixing just about anything.) I was proud of who I was to those around us helping whenever they needed help. All the while over the course of many years I helped alot of people and couldn't say no to them. The people I found the easiest to say no to were my wife and kids. I was able justify my actions because I was pleasing others with my generosity.
W then blows up my world telling me "I love you but, I am not in love you anymore"!
I've made mistakes but change is a slow process and I was working to correct my short comings once again. Only to revert back to my old ways leaving her to work full time and keep up the house to.
She tells me she is very angry and has been going to see a IC for the past 7 months. She doesn't feel I am safe and someone she can trust to confide in. She is angry and is not sure why she feels the way she does. Of course I had the answer for her I always do.Needless to say we live in the same house but are very distant at the moment.
She has shut down both emotionally and physically toward me. She does say I love you.
I make no excuses for the damage I have done and hope to change this attribute of my personality. In the hope to rebuild my marriage and treat her the way she should be treated. Her choice to go outside of the marriage was hers and was her way to cope with a husband who would tell her that he was willing to lay down his life her and then turn around and ignore her request for a few minutes to just be there and listen or pick up around the house.
Why am I posting here? I want to change. I realize that there is a good possibility that the damage done by me can't be changed and the marriage I so dearly want to repair is beyond repair. Empty promises, unmet dreams, ignored needs, forgotten wants, sarcastic remarks that cut to the bone and much more are the things I have done. As a result I stripped the woman I promised to love and protect forever of her self-worth, self-respect and dignity.
I never would have considered myself an abuser. No physical abuse has ever occured and I have always refused to call her names or refer to her in any derogatory terms even if she is right next to me or not.
I am posting here asking for help and support to make the change to a husband, father and man that many here endured so much for waiting, hoping, dreaming or pryaing for. I realize many here have been hurt by someone like myself. I am not looking for sympathy and the truth may hurt and I must beprepared for it. I do not like the person I have become and I am ready to commit to change who I am.
I am truly sorry for the pain in your lives. I am living and seeing firsthand how truly brutal the tounge can be.
I have been stuck on the fact my wife betrayed our marriage on two occasions. D-day for the second time is approaching two years ago. (More can be read on my profile.)
I feel powerless right now with no control over the situation. That has been a feeling I have had for the past 6 months. We were going to couples counselling but at the first of the year our insurance changed and have not been back. While I felt the counselling was going good she felt attacked. I am angry with her going outside of the marriage and cheating on me. My feelings on it were it was her choice to do the things she did and she should feel bad enough to crawl back to me and apologize. Actually apologize alot. While I didn't help out with certain items around the house I do 95% of the cooking, work third shift, wake up with only a few hours sleep and still function. I would agree to helping out more with the cleaning duties and squeeze all that in while running our 9 and 13 year old kids around to appointments and sports. along with fixing the items that broke around the house and the cars. What more does she want from me? I just couldn't put my finger on it. Our friends would always say how they wish their husbands would do the things I do. (I am a mechanic and enjoy working on and fixing just about anything.) I was proud of who I was to those around us helping whenever they needed help. All the while over the course of many years I helped alot of people and couldn't say no to them. The people I found the easiest to say no to were my wife and kids. I was able justify my actions because I was pleasing others with my generosity.
W then blows up my world telling me "I love you but, I am not in love you anymore"!
I've made mistakes but change is a slow process and I was working to correct my short comings once again. Only to revert back to my old ways leaving her to work full time and keep up the house to.
She tells me she is very angry and has been going to see a IC for the past 7 months. She doesn't feel I am safe and someone she can trust to confide in. She is angry and is not sure why she feels the way she does. Of course I had the answer for her I always do.Needless to say we live in the same house but are very distant at the moment.
She has shut down both emotionally and physically toward me. She does say I love you.
I make no excuses for the damage I have done and hope to change this attribute of my personality. In the hope to rebuild my marriage and treat her the way she should be treated. Her choice to go outside of the marriage was hers and was her way to cope with a husband who would tell her that he was willing to lay down his life her and then turn around and ignore her request for a few minutes to just be there and listen or pick up around the house.
Why am I posting here? I want to change. I realize that there is a good possibility that the damage done by me can't be changed and the marriage I so dearly want to repair is beyond repair. Empty promises, unmet dreams, ignored needs, forgotten wants, sarcastic remarks that cut to the bone and much more are the things I have done. As a result I stripped the woman I promised to love and protect forever of her self-worth, self-respect and dignity.
I never would have considered myself an abuser. No physical abuse has ever occured and I have always refused to call her names or refer to her in any derogatory terms even if she is right next to me or not.
I am posting here asking for help and support to make the change to a husband, father and man that many here endured so much for waiting, hoping, dreaming or pryaing for. I realize many here have been hurt by someone like myself. I am not looking for sympathy and the truth may hurt and I must beprepared for it. I do not like the person I have become and I am ready to commit to change who I am.
I am truly sorry for the pain in your lives. I am living and seeing firsthand how truly brutal the tounge can be.
All of our experience as survivors of abuse teaches us that we should distance ourselves from people with a history as abusers and should not participate in their journey of self-improvement. Most survivors have spent many a fruitless year attempting to make someone stop their abuse. This forum is a safe haven to escape from that.
So, without making judgement regarding your personal situation, I'd encourage you to seek individual counseling. This is something we recommend to survivors as well.
Unfortunately words that cut like knives can not be forgotten or unspoken and there is rarely a good future for a relationship that has gone down that path. It's also not sensible to try to prove to yourself that you can do better next time and rush into a new relationship to try to start fresh.
Wishing you peace.
Good for you.
I can't really express a
response better than
Lifebut did.
I'll just add that when you
look for a qualified counselor,
make sure that clinician is a
specialist in treating abusers.
There aren't very many,
because the recidivism
rate for abusers to abuse
again is really, really high.
But there are some therapists
in that specialty, out there.
Please look around for one.
Wishing you all the best.
Good luck for you, on
your healing journey.
This sentence... " I stripped the woman I promised to love and protect forever of her self-worth, self-respect and dignity" Is VERY VERY unusual... and this IS the internet after all. But I'll respond as if you are on the up and up.. and not someone who is practicing their creative writing skills.
Anyway... I'm a firm believer that 2 wrongs don't make a right. It's unfortunate that your wife sought solace in the arms of another man, but it's not at all unusual for people ( man or woman) to try to blunt the pain .... by using the pretty words of another person ( and sometimes their body too) to make themselves feel better.
She may be too traumatized to ever get over the unkindness you showed her...it's her choice.
My advice to you would be to concentrate on what you can control.... which is Yourself!
Be the very best parent you can be to the 13 year old and 9 year old. Don't think about what you want.... Think about what you can do for others. Yeah... sort of like.. Ask not what your country can do for you... but what YOU can do for your country, spiel.. lol
If you conduct yourself in the manner of a true gentleman.. maybe your ex wife will see that... maybe she won't.. but at this stage.. Being a ' What can I contribute" sort of person is WAAAYYY better than a person who is seeking to have THEIR needs met.
I believe this is the key to most human relationships. It is also a way to correct an imbalance of power, kind of like you correct the steering when you skid on an icy road. Another image I'd like to submit is a seesaw: One side's always down and one side's always up. It looks like this has been the nature of your M. You lifted yourself UP by abusing her and putting her down. She couldn't handle being so far down so she turned to an A to make her feel UP again. Then things crashed and burned....
Showing yourself to be a changed man, a Contributor/giver instead of a Taker/bully is the only way to re-establish the balance. You will have to do this over and over for a long time and tell her that's what you're doing.
My H used to emotionally abuse me, too, until I gave him an ultimatum. Fortunately, he was able to turn himself around--most of the time. We are still together, but I am always on my guard emotionally. Don't think that will ever change, but it's okay. I can see a lot of progress on his part.
As a woman who works full-time, I can tell you one thing: Taking the initiative to do household chores goes a long way to help the situation, more than you might think. It sends a message to the woman that she is valued and not taken for granted. It shows her he's strong enough to ignore the traditional gender stereotypes where the man works and the woman takes care of the house. If both work--or even if not--both should share in the chores. It shows her he considers her his equal.
You don't talk much about the fallout from her A, but that has to be addressed too, because it is part of the equation.
Yes, please do read books and articles, a lot of them. There's a lot of good stuff on DS. A good place to start might be, what kind of a family did you grow up in? What was your father like? Did you follow his pattern?
I wish you well. We are always here for you.
Q.
@Lifebutnotasweknowit- I am doing individual counseling and actutally discussed the topic of my role as the abuser just thursday morning. We are going to continue further investigation into the abuser role.
@IleneW- Thanks for the recommendation. I will definitely do more investigating and research into my current IC and try to figure out if I need to find a more qualified counselor.
@ooooo- Good luck on your road to recovery. I spent hours prior to posting reading posts and comments here before I posted. I will def continue to check in here frequently.
@Christysays - Your reply "My advice to you would be to concentrate on what you can control.... which is Yourself!
Be the very best parent you can be to the 13 year old and 9 year old. Don't think about what you want.... Think about what you can do for others. Yeah... sort of like.. Ask not what your country can do for you... but what YOU can do for your country, spiel.. lol
If you conduct yourself in the manner of a true gentleman.. maybe your ex wife will see that... maybe she won't.. but at this stage.. Being a ' What can I contribute" sort of person is WAAAYYY better than a person who is seeking to have THEIR needs met." -
This is the very thing my IC told me this morning during our session the only things in life that I can control is me. I certainly do not want my 13 year old daughter to seek a man based upon what she has seen from me so far! Nor do I want my 9 year old son to learn this type of behavior is how a man should treat a woman or anyone else! As far as creative writing skills I assure you I would def pick a different topic to cover if needing some practice! Thanks for your advice!
@Khrysalis - I have been in IC since the first of the year. To clarify the marriage counselor we were going to was not in network since my employer change carriers. I found other counselors in network with the insurance carrier but as of now my wife doesn't want to do couples counseling. She has been going to her IC since the fall of last year. I will check out the book suggestion. Thank you.