Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Sometimes I feel like if there was no obvious evidence this person was hurting you (physical abuse, etc), people won't believe you or understand at all what you are going through.
(See my last post for the full version of this story. So much has gone on, but I really want some help so I won't make this post as long as the last one.)
My husband told me verbally he had been manipulating me because he wanted me to have sex with other people (cuckold me) and he knew that I was emotionally vulnerable. He told me this after I told him I needed some space to think and wasn't sure if we should have gotten married. Then he continued to try to do it. Later, he started telling everyone he thought it was what I wanted, and then that he didn't remember saying it, that he just said it to make me feel better and less bad about wanting some space, etc. My whole family supports him and kicked me out of the house because I wanted to make him leave. I have extreme cognitive dissonance issues with the situation and everyone seems to side with him. He cried crocodile tears in my family's face and has successfully taken away their support of me, while they view him as a victim.
We dated for 5 years and they are all very attached to what seemed like a good person (not really sure if true personality anymore..). He goes back and forth about admitting what he said, while trying to get me to go to couples counseling with him and also ruining my reputation with my friends and family, saying the reason I left the house and won't come back is cheating (even though the only place I have to stay now is at the family home of my best friend who everyone knows i have had feelings for). It is so hard because we were together for so long and had so many memories, I genuinely thought he was a good guy and can't understand how I wouldn't pick up on these things over 5 years although looking back I can see some evidence.
He used to tell me I was a negative person, and a child when I would complain, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me. He would yell at me when I was crying, and when I would get upset at him for doing this he would say it was because "it made him feel like he wasn't doing enough to make me happy" even when it had nothing to do with him. have you ever seen this behavior? Is it manipulative? Please tell me I'm not crazy, and that a person can seem like a good person for 5 years when they are actually manipulating you and breaking you down? How do you spot covert manipulation? Please tell me I don't have to subject myself to this, even though my parents are trying to force me to go to couples therapy with him (crazy right! I am 26 and was only married for a month at this point.....)
(See my last post for the full version of this story. So much has gone on, but I really want some help so I won't make this post as long as the last one.)
My husband told me verbally he had been manipulating me because he wanted me to have sex with other people (cuckold me) and he knew that I was emotionally vulnerable. He told me this after I told him I needed some space to think and wasn't sure if we should have gotten married. Then he continued to try to do it. Later, he started telling everyone he thought it was what I wanted, and then that he didn't remember saying it, that he just said it to make me feel better and less bad about wanting some space, etc. My whole family supports him and kicked me out of the house because I wanted to make him leave. I have extreme cognitive dissonance issues with the situation and everyone seems to side with him. He cried crocodile tears in my family's face and has successfully taken away their support of me, while they view him as a victim.
We dated for 5 years and they are all very attached to what seemed like a good person (not really sure if true personality anymore..). He goes back and forth about admitting what he said, while trying to get me to go to couples counseling with him and also ruining my reputation with my friends and family, saying the reason I left the house and won't come back is cheating (even though the only place I have to stay now is at the family home of my best friend who everyone knows i have had feelings for). It is so hard because we were together for so long and had so many memories, I genuinely thought he was a good guy and can't understand how I wouldn't pick up on these things over 5 years although looking back I can see some evidence.
He used to tell me I was a negative person, and a child when I would complain, which made me feel like there was something wrong with me. He would yell at me when I was crying, and when I would get upset at him for doing this he would say it was because "it made him feel like he wasn't doing enough to make me happy" even when it had nothing to do with him. have you ever seen this behavior? Is it manipulative? Please tell me I'm not crazy, and that a person can seem like a good person for 5 years when they are actually manipulating you and breaking you down? How do you spot covert manipulation? Please tell me I don't have to subject myself to this, even though my parents are trying to force me to go to couples therapy with him (crazy right! I am 26 and was only married for a month at this point.....)
Ranger, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve any of it. You know the truth. Don't let people make you think you are crazy. Where's that post about the cards, where you write down everything he's done on a card so you have a visual concept of the abuse? I'll bump it. You should do that - it will help remind you that he is nuts, your family is wrong, and you are doing the right thing by getting out. He's trying to remove all your support systems to make you stay, Don't let it work. You might lose some people, and that's sad, but grieve and keep going - you don't want those people in your life being fake supporters anyway.
Sidi - Yes, I am feeling like this may be the option I have to take. It is so hard, especially when you genuinely trust someone for five whole years and they share so much with you. He seemed like such a sweet guy, isn't it crazy how abusive people can be the nicest people sometimes? I see a lot of crazy making looking back on our relationship, however.
Another factor was that my parents insisted on spending $25,000 on our wedding, and I feel that they are afraid their investment is going to go down the drain. That's horrible to say... but that is literally the first thing my mother told me when I told her about the sexual manipulation attempts... "I spent $25,000, work on your marriage!!!!" -_-
Tulip, yes, it is crazy, and even after he takes away my support systems I still constantly feel cognitive dissonance about whether or not they are really right and I am wrong to wanting to be away from him. I guess because he and my family have been my support system and the main people I have trusted and come to for advice for so long, it's hard to see them as wrong, even when I know they are more or less under his spell. He cries crocodile tears often, and so even after I told my family that he is manipulating them, they do not see it at all.
Thank you for the tip - I will definitely be doing the cards exercise soon. That is a lot easier than what I have been doing - long timelines and detailed journal entries. Very time consuming and stressful.
When they apologized, I would not even entertain the idea with them. I simply told them that I am their son. They made their choices and now have to live with them. After all, I learned to live with the knowledge that my own parents wouldn't help me during my divorce. I have no problem forgiving, but this is not a matter of forgiveness, my dear. This is a matter of your family failing to consider your experience. I am sorry that it is the way it is for you. And, that is where your cognitive dissonance begins and ends. Sure, your husband is manipulating the situation. And, he seems like a real jerk. But, your family members who are not standing with you have betrayed you. I am so sorry that you had to learn about them this way.
though I'm very sorry
for the circumstances
that have brought you
here.
I'm the author of the
Clarifying Index Card exercise.
I'm also the author of
a thread on this forum
about couple counseling.
I'll bump that for you as
soon as I finish this
response.
I urge you to get yourself
a highly qualified
INDIVIDUAL therapist
whose specialty is
recovery from abuse.
Also, consider calling
the women's center
in your area.
Please take good care
of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and peace.
I have a question for you guys. Have you ever experienced someone who cried often as a means to try to abuse your emotionality and empathy? I am an extremely empathetic person, and I suspect that my guy has learned that about me over the years. So when he leaves me crying voicemails and cries crocodile tears in order to avoid addressing the issue - I try to remind myself that he could be using his tears as a weapon.
But that isn't all - ever since I told him that I think he is a manipulator and a narcissist (may have been a bad idea), he periodically admits to and apologizes for these things, saying "I know I am, I'm trying to get help! Can't you see that? I'm sorry I'm so arrogant. I hurt you because I was hurting (I asked him for some space).",
I suspect this is because he has learned that apology and admission are the only things that get my attention. Has anyone you have dealt with actually admitted to being a narcissist and abusing you for a short period of time, in order to get your attention and sympathy? Whenever he is not doing this however, he complains about me accusing him of these things. And he only has done this after nothing else was working and the only thing I was communicating to him about was asking for an admission from him.
This is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with, since most of the time instead of angry accusations (even those come too, but less often), he uses tears and short-lived admission to drown out my concerns. How did you handle this and keep it from reverting you back to empathizing with them? He has also used this same tactic to convince my parents that he is a victim in the situation.
I am willing to bet that when you apologize for something you did that you also go the next step and make a promise (to yourself) to never do that again. That is usually what sincere and empathetic people do. He is not making the promise to himself. I am willing to bet on that too.
There is a six year old boy I see on Sundays with his father. When it is time to go, he pouts. Yesterday, he pouted as always. When his father looked away for a moment, he looked in my direction and grinned from ear to ear. He already knew that he was manipulating the situation with his Dad. His Dad knows it too and smiles. They are doing the dance of power control that a child and parent often do. Of course, the parent has to win and the child knows it.
I would suggest that your husband never really grew out of that dance and still manipulates over power issues. He just wants the upper hand in every situation as most children do until they learn about shared power and giving everyone a fair shake. I call it maturity. Many adults never learn these things and are stuck in that childish method of "control."
I say you deserve better. When you recover from this breakup, don't forget these lessons so that you make better choices in romance and relationship next time.
I would not close the door on your family, but I would never treat them the same. I really cannot believe the betrayal, but as I told you before I experienced it myself. All the best!!
This may be due in part to me being male and my abusers in those incidents being female. Society has a tendency to view men as only being able to be the abuser and never the victim of abuse. Even the media is filled with examples condoning it. (Look at all the movies and TV shows that depict angry/abusive women in relationships verbally and physically abusing their male partner. When it's the woman abusing the man people cheer and laugh, but when the roles are reversed people tend to view and react to the abusive actions as the abuse they are.)
There is even a documented bias against male victims who call or go to domestic violence/abuse hotlines or shelters. Very frequently they are turned away, told they must "deserve" the abuse, or are accused of being the real abuser.
So know that you are far from alone in this problem with people not believing you and siding with your abuser. The important thing is to not let people's denial cause you to question what really happened. If what happened wasn't abuse then you wouldn't be here and in this state now.
Go no contact with your abuser and those who side with him. Let them find out how messed up in the head he actually is for themselves (the hard way). He may be good at fooling them in the beginning, but as plenty of people here can confirm, many abusers start to slip up and let their mask crumble around the people they are living with or closest too when they grow too comfortable around them. And from the sounds of things, your abuser doesn't sound like he has what it takes to keep his true nature hidden from your family forever.