I would seek out counceling at a womans shelter or another venue before AA or Narc Anon. I felt very abused by the group and disagreed with the counceling they were giving me as a spouse of an alcoholic. they refused to see that he needed to be held accountable and take responsibility for his actions. 28 years later, he is in jail in solitary confinement for DUI's now. He is not going to learn or change until he is held accountable for his actions. You however, do not need to seek counceling anywhere that he is seeking it. Get your own help and let him get his! DO NOT EVER COMINGLE COUNCELING!

Whoo that's a lot of painful situations. Are you in therapy? That would probably be the best route.

My counselor has taken me through co-dependency training. I mostly get it... still wrestle with it a bit. But I have learned that it requires focusing on YOU no matter whether someone is in your life or not. Work towards being a complete person for yourself- it's really a gift to yourself.

I'll cut and paste this I wrote in another thread:
The more you can focus on you, who you are and what you believe, that is the most potent antidote that I know of. Abusers crowd "you" out of "you" and fill it with "them." If you take "them" out, you're just left with a void... it doesn't really work. But if you fill yourself back up with "you" then "them" is naturally forced out as it doesn't have any more room.

That's what I've learned in counseling. It's helped me immensely. Even helped me get over my shyness. It's still hard to deal with manipulative people, but much easier than before!

Alanon type groups work well for some people. They don't work for others. The have worked for me, so long as I take them with a grain of salt. It's about finding the right meeting - some can be very program oriented and nearly cultish, or very preachy. But they have helped countless people. many people in those groups label themselves as co-dependents, and there is a actually CODA, co-dependents anonymous. You may want to check out their website. Being co-dependent basically means you are addicted to fixing the problems of another. http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm

based on what you have said and my own experience and experience with others - it seems like you may have self-confidence issues. I know I do. That means we undervalue ourselves, and subconsciously seek out others that have issues because we feel like those are the people we identify with most, an those are the only people who will love us. In other words, we think those with faults will accept our faults, and those who we percieve as better will only judge us. But that is flawed logic. And even though I have mostly grown out of those self-confidence issues, they are still there under the surface and I have simply found methods of coping. I think that is why I have dated mostly people with substance abuse issues, and why I have stuck with relationships that I know are unhealthy.

I think the key to codependacy is all about self learning in healthy boundaries

This article was interesting

http://mindfulconstruct.com/2009/02/05/what-is-codependency/

I was in therapy and hope to get back in when time allows. Currently working full time and the therapist does not have evening hours. Perhaps I can get in a session next week or the following week..
I am not currently with my ex, who is an addict and even if I was, doubtful he would attend a meeting with me anyway. I had brought up AA as I had a good friend mention that she got a lot of help from AA, so thought it might help me. I am not an alcoholic or addict but seem to form either relationships or friendships with them. Feeling their has to be reasons for this and azkevin, you may have hit the nail on the head with what you said.
I have very low self esteem, insecurity and any dating I have done within the last 4-5 years has been through meeting people online as I am quite introverted. Even then, it takes months to work up the nerve to meet then in real life for a date. Then after a relationship starts, even if it does turn out to show red flags, I hang in there as I am so afraid of starting over with someone new. If that makes sense?
Usually the dealbreaker will be when the person cheats on me, and then I with this last one I even gave him a second chance. It is almost as if I have become so used to bad treatment, I have forgotten what normal is or really don't expect anyone to treat me nicely anymore. This is why I don't even date anymore, it is almost out of safety.

I have the same question in my heart. my son is an alcoholic and watching him kill himself is killing me. I suspect I need counseling at this point. my heart is broken and my world seems dark.

Thank you for the link Kaz. :)

I am very sorry about your son LayersuponLayers. If you can, counseling would be a good thing to check into. Take care of YOU. Gentle Hugs.

I would stay away from AA, NA and any other meetings geared toward addicts. Alanon and CODA (codependents anonymous) would be better fits for you.

ONE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT TWELVE STEP PROGRAMS....

THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO COUNSEL OR GIVE ADVICE. If they do, run, don't walk, to the nearest door & keep running. Look for another group. Should you decide to try one, try several before you make up your mind. As w/any group, each will have its own personality. Trust your gut! If it feels pushy, don't go back. If it feels right, keep going back. These groups are geared toward education, detaching with love, support & sharing of experiences in terms what worked for each person. That's very different than telling you what you should/shouldn't do.

There are lots of definitions for codependency, but here are a few key behaviors that indicate you're codependent: 1. doing for, or because of, others to your own detriment; 2. putting others needs ahead of your own; 3. allowing others feelings to trump &/or influence &/or take precedence over your feelings; 4. trusting others judgments above your own.


There is a theory that we live what we learn. There's another theory that we unconsciously seek out relationships that mimic what we grew up with. Can't say how accurate these theories are, but I've seen many cases, including my own, where it's true. The only way we can change that is to do the 'work.' (i.e work = self introspection & self-awareness, usually done as part of therapy.)

A wise therapist once told me that in order for us to have healthy relationships w/others, we must first have a healthy relationship w/ourselves. Part of having a healthy relationship w/ourselves means in order to be loved by another, we must first see ourselves as loveable AND love ourselves. Another part is practicing self care.

It's important (IMHO) to work thru all the feelings, including guilt and shame. Growing up in an alcoholic home &/or having relationships w/addicts means living in a very toxic environment. It's hard to get healthy until we divest ourselves of toxic relationships. It's not easy, but w/the right therapist & support network, it can be done.

There's a good book, Breaking Free from the Victim Trap by Diane Zimberoff that discusses codependency and the victim triangle. I highly recommend it.

Awesome MyTrue. And Karen. All the hugs today are for you!

Lots of good advice here, Joanie,
I would just like to offer my support for you, and I hope you find something that will help. You so deserve help.
Please take care of yourself with lots of self care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

MTC, thank you so very much for all that valuable information. The more I read about it, the more I feel I am co dependant. I will try to find that book you recommended.

I appreciate all the support and advice here everyone..more than you all realize. :)