Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All,
I need an unbiased view of what is going in my life!!
I was in abusive relation for quite a longggg time and came out of it and got married to someone who loves me like anything and have been blessed with a baby girl who is now six months old.
Some past events that happened -
My family had convinced me that I should come back to near they are. I had been in a very bad position in the abusive relationship and needed to get away from that city.
When my DH and I got engaged, I told him I will be taking a transfer to near my parent's place. He agreed and after sometime we got married and "I" moved to city near my hometown. My hubby on the other hand was sure of his transfer till last minute but after good six months, his transfer was declined. We fought as he said he is getting transfer but 5 hrs away from the city I was in. I talked to my parents, who said that it doesn't make sense to not come to my city and I agreed.
I talked to my hubby, we fought and I said it's high time to take a decision. He resigned and came to my city.
His career took a downfall and he got very lowly offers, finally he took one one designation lower in a non reputed company than what he was. Our fights became a daily thing. It felt like we had made a bad choice by marrying eachother. But somehow we stuck together as we both loved eachother too much.
Finally, his career seemed stable but salary was 1/10th of what he was paid but he loved his work. So we were back to happy couple and had our first baby, baby girl.
My father now retired agreed to live with us with my mother for an year to take care of the baby as I had to join back after Maternity Leave for financial stability.
The past six months
I was exclusively bf my baby and it was tough, really tough but I wanted to go that extra mile for her health and my hubby was also having the same view.
So he started sleeping out and my mom and I would sleep with the baby whom I will feed and she would take care of her when she would cry etc.
So in short, it was hectic for me and mom.
After initial 2-3 days my parents started saying that we should introduce bottle and we are keeping our baby hungry.
While I was over producing the milk so definitely there was no shortage there.
My Mom kept pestering me saying things like your sister and I never bf our babies and they turned out to be fine(my sister's daugher is stick thin and underweight).
They would say that my sister's husband used to take care of baby at night while my husband was sleeping peacefully outside. (My hubby had taken one month off during my ninth month as the baby was under weight and he took care of my food, exercise etc on daily basis so when she was born he had to work from 9 am to 11 pm to compensate the timeoff he had taken).
Again, me and my husband started to fight. I said I can't do all this alone. He said that he will not allow stopping bf for such a small baby. I agreed that since I can produce more than enough bf why to stop feeding it to my baby. But I had to hear daily from my parents who would either compare my sister's family and mine or would say that my hubby just cares for himself.
After 2 months, I stopped bf (worst decision I ever made) and my hubby gave in.
My baby who was gaining perfect weight started going under weight again. At six months she is 1 kg below what her weight should be :-(
Even the doctor we consulted was against my decision of giving up bf.
At 4 months, my husband moved back in and now I had to join back office. So we took care of the baby for 3 nights and my parents for 4 nights as we both were working all day. At 5 months we took over and she was sleeping with us 7 days a week, where either me or my hubby would feed her at night while both of us are working during the day.
Some events that happened and they are the ones I need you unbiased view about
1. One evening I was really tired after a full hectic day in office and I asked my Mom to let the baby sleep with her for one night as I was not sure if I can even wake up to feed her bottle. Her answer " Just for one night". I said thanks for the tone and I will sleep with the baby. She started crying infront of dad and dad was angry at me for making her cry. I hugged her and made her feel OK.
2. My daughter has started semi solid and we give her water with it. Though me and my hubby do everything from bottle sterilizing to cooking baby food so that my mom can feed her during the day. One fine day she came to my hubby and said she is awake and went. My hubby was doing some work and so did not do anything thinking my Mom or Dad will take the cooked food and feed her. An hour passed and they did nothing. So he got up and gave the food to my mom in a container and went back. I came home after 3 hours from then and fed her and went to get water for her and then realized she was not fed water all day!!!! I asked my hubby who did not realize that he had not given water to my Mom to feed it to the baby. While my mom said that they could not find water though it is always kept on table with bottle. All you have to do is pour it. Now we even put the food in a container and put water in the bottle in morning only and put it near them.
3.I come home in the evening and all the time my mom gives me is to take a bath and give the baby to me and goes to her room and watches tv/reads magazines etc. Even single glass of water is not offered.
4.She will call my sister and tell her that they are seeing how this world truly is and how they are learning new things everyday.
Please give me your views on this.Please do.
I need an unbiased view of what is going in my life!!
I was in abusive relation for quite a longggg time and came out of it and got married to someone who loves me like anything and have been blessed with a baby girl who is now six months old.
Some past events that happened -
My family had convinced me that I should come back to near they are. I had been in a very bad position in the abusive relationship and needed to get away from that city.
When my DH and I got engaged, I told him I will be taking a transfer to near my parent's place. He agreed and after sometime we got married and "I" moved to city near my hometown. My hubby on the other hand was sure of his transfer till last minute but after good six months, his transfer was declined. We fought as he said he is getting transfer but 5 hrs away from the city I was in. I talked to my parents, who said that it doesn't make sense to not come to my city and I agreed.
I talked to my hubby, we fought and I said it's high time to take a decision. He resigned and came to my city.
His career took a downfall and he got very lowly offers, finally he took one one designation lower in a non reputed company than what he was. Our fights became a daily thing. It felt like we had made a bad choice by marrying eachother. But somehow we stuck together as we both loved eachother too much.
Finally, his career seemed stable but salary was 1/10th of what he was paid but he loved his work. So we were back to happy couple and had our first baby, baby girl.
My father now retired agreed to live with us with my mother for an year to take care of the baby as I had to join back after Maternity Leave for financial stability.
The past six months
I was exclusively bf my baby and it was tough, really tough but I wanted to go that extra mile for her health and my hubby was also having the same view.
So he started sleeping out and my mom and I would sleep with the baby whom I will feed and she would take care of her when she would cry etc.
So in short, it was hectic for me and mom.
After initial 2-3 days my parents started saying that we should introduce bottle and we are keeping our baby hungry.
While I was over producing the milk so definitely there was no shortage there.
My Mom kept pestering me saying things like your sister and I never bf our babies and they turned out to be fine(my sister's daugher is stick thin and underweight).
They would say that my sister's husband used to take care of baby at night while my husband was sleeping peacefully outside. (My hubby had taken one month off during my ninth month as the baby was under weight and he took care of my food, exercise etc on daily basis so when she was born he had to work from 9 am to 11 pm to compensate the timeoff he had taken).
Again, me and my husband started to fight. I said I can't do all this alone. He said that he will not allow stopping bf for such a small baby. I agreed that since I can produce more than enough bf why to stop feeding it to my baby. But I had to hear daily from my parents who would either compare my sister's family and mine or would say that my hubby just cares for himself.
After 2 months, I stopped bf (worst decision I ever made) and my hubby gave in.
My baby who was gaining perfect weight started going under weight again. At six months she is 1 kg below what her weight should be :-(
Even the doctor we consulted was against my decision of giving up bf.
At 4 months, my husband moved back in and now I had to join back office. So we took care of the baby for 3 nights and my parents for 4 nights as we both were working all day. At 5 months we took over and she was sleeping with us 7 days a week, where either me or my hubby would feed her at night while both of us are working during the day.
Some events that happened and they are the ones I need you unbiased view about
1. One evening I was really tired after a full hectic day in office and I asked my Mom to let the baby sleep with her for one night as I was not sure if I can even wake up to feed her bottle. Her answer " Just for one night". I said thanks for the tone and I will sleep with the baby. She started crying infront of dad and dad was angry at me for making her cry. I hugged her and made her feel OK.
2. My daughter has started semi solid and we give her water with it. Though me and my hubby do everything from bottle sterilizing to cooking baby food so that my mom can feed her during the day. One fine day she came to my hubby and said she is awake and went. My hubby was doing some work and so did not do anything thinking my Mom or Dad will take the cooked food and feed her. An hour passed and they did nothing. So he got up and gave the food to my mom in a container and went back. I came home after 3 hours from then and fed her and went to get water for her and then realized she was not fed water all day!!!! I asked my hubby who did not realize that he had not given water to my Mom to feed it to the baby. While my mom said that they could not find water though it is always kept on table with bottle. All you have to do is pour it. Now we even put the food in a container and put water in the bottle in morning only and put it near them.
3.I come home in the evening and all the time my mom gives me is to take a bath and give the baby to me and goes to her room and watches tv/reads magazines etc. Even single glass of water is not offered.
4.She will call my sister and tell her that they are seeing how this world truly is and how they are learning new things everyday.
Please give me your views on this.Please do.
Warm gentle hugs
Your father blamed you for making your mom feel bad so you apologized and hugged her and made her feel better. No one can make another person feel one way or the other. The most one can do is invite someone to feel a certain way. We are each responsible for our own feelings. That's a huge component of abuse - blaming another and not being accountable or responsible for one's own feelings.
You and your husband are not setting or keeping clear boundaries w/your parents or each other. All of the above are signs of codependency & enmeshment.
When a person(s) has responsibility for taking care of your child while you are at work and doesn't provide the basic needs (like food, water, sleep, etc.), then THAT IS CHILD ABUSE.
I know you are from a different culture, but IMHO, child abuse is child abuse, no matter where you live. My concern is if it happened once, it might have happened, or be happening, more often than you realize.
IMHO, you AND your husband are ultimately responsible for the care and nurturing of your child. As giggle suggested, your husband needs to step up and share the responsibility for taking proper care of the baby. (Not realizing he hadn't given the baby water is not an excuse.) If he refuses, then he needs to get a job that supports you and the baby so you can stay home and be sure the baby is properly cared for. Or, you need to find a professional child care person w/credentials and references to take care of the baby while you are both at work.
I also think you need to get your parents out of your house and certainly out of your marital bedroom. The marital bedroom is for you and your husband, and maybe the baby for the first few months. I bf my kids and now ex & I still slept in the same bed. No reason not to. It's HIS child too!
I hope you are able to resolve this and create a safe environment for your child.
I had decided after my maternity leave was over to extend my leaves further to take care of the baby as I knew it will be tough handling full day job and a baby at night. My mother clearly told me that if I don't join back she will leave our house.She said that she came here to take care of the baby and for me to join the work back. I am not saying that she isn't doing anything for me. The only issue I have is if she would have communicated clearly that she can only take care of the baby when she can, I would have made different choices like extending my leave etc. They clearly told me for one year they will take care of the baby while I can focus on my career. I did not ask for it and I remember telling them with tears at that time that I am lucky to have parents like them in this time and will never be able to repay them back.Sadly, I realized that too late and that is the reason I have decided to send them back as soon as possible. In India creche system is a nightmare and that is the reason I am not inclined to leave the baby at creche. Since, I cannot leave my job due to financial pressure we have planned to move out of India and put her in creche there where I do not have to worry atleast of her safety. I am hoping by the time she is seven month old I can send my parents back to their home and make them free of the commitment they made. I only hope it happens as soon as possible.
If I knew this earlier we would have moved out earlier from India soon after extended leave would have ended and she could have been put in creche there.
Since the day my daughter was born the way I and my husband wanted to raise her was looked down upon and laughed on. For example - I would say that I want to boil her bottle for 5 minutes and they will tell my elder sister that she is clealiness freak and will tell me clearly that this wasn't the way they and my elder sister did things and they had a maid to do all this. Please note that it's me and husband doing all the stuff that we are particular about and not once have asked or been offered any help here and did not even expect it. But they will always somehow make us look like fools and then laugh on us and say that our daughter has two clean freaks around her. In India mosquito net is a must for a child and I had to literally beg them to make her sleep in the net during day as I was not at home and Dengue/Malaria is very common during rainy(current) season and they laughed about that too and said that we are negative people and always expect bad to happen.
Yes, we think a lot and night we sleep inside mosquito net only because we believe that better to be careful than regret later. We even conveyed that once she is not old enough to fight against disease now and we have to be extra careful. I bought a small bed with net just for that day nap purpose.
Another instance, my daughter is very active, which means she will lie down only when wanting to sleep else she will move around a lot and want to get up using you as a pillar. My mother statement that my elder's sister daughter used to be very calm and once we used to put dummy in her mouth she would sleep while your daughter is a handful and my father added that she will have some temper soon. Then my mom will comment that she will have to ask my elder sister's daughter to teach my daughter some lesson on being quite and calm and not bother people around her. While my doctor and people around me used to say that she is very active and that's a good sign.
My mother used to call my elder sister everyday and still does and tell her that my husband does not support at all (he would not sleep with us for first three months but help with all other house chores).Also, that she has to do everything and gets very tired (During day she is taking care of my daughetr but we ensure all things are beside her bed everyday). Then my sister will call me and tell me in indirect term that I am being very selfish. I get lost because they offered this help and then they say that they are not happy with the arrangement. We have realized this now and am working towards sending them back asap.And No, it's not about me not appreciating them because for first few months all I will do is thank her. Now I have stopped any communication. I just go home take the baby from her and then give her in morning. And I hope this cycle also ends once I get out of India.
One night she told me to make me feel good.At night your baby was crying for food (she was a month old then) and I made her go back to sleep and did not wake you up. Somehow this did not make me happy. My baby needed food, I was asleep and did not realize and she slept without food. She was never a cry baby for food. She still will sleep if you do not feed her after crying a little. Only thing she will cry about is sleep.
Why do I think that my mom should take more care of my baby when it's my job?
1.I was clearly told about this.For a year I have their full support.
2.I wanted to extend my leave but was clearly told that they will leave if I do so as they have come only for the baby.
3.I would have taken a different route like I am right now when I have realized that they did not mean what they said. I am trying to get out of India and look for creche there. My hubby has given up his career here and will take care of the baby till we find a good creche and then he will search for a job. We could have done this earlier, only if they would have communicated clearly.
4.Making me feel that the baby I have is not good enough as she doen't take a dummy, is too active is just not right. I did not connect to my baby immediately after she was born and hearing all this actually made me tell my husband that I think we have a wrong baby. It took immense support from him and my in laws who would not stop praising my lil' one and today I cannot live a second without her.
5.Why do I expect water once I am home?If I have a leave and am taking care of my daughter and if she sleeps and I go and make tea/snack for myself. I will make that for my parents also. They have a preference in the type of tea they drink so I will be making two types of tea for myself and one for them. Yes, this is something that is expected out of me and I am not claiming to be the best daughter in the world but if I come home and someone just offers a cup of water with a smile, it makes your day. Instead a frown which says that you made our life hell and are enjoying at office while we take care of your child. Rather, even if my mom is making something she will not offer and eat with with dad.
Sorry for this being too long!!
Thanks All for listening!!
As to expecting water... I have learned in my own life that the less I expect of others especially if I am expecting it without requesting it the better I am.
I hope you find peace in your life and happiness soon.