Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I know it's very unlikey they will change. And for that to occur, would require extensive work. Which types have the best chance of change? Is age a factor? I am inclined to believe the older they are, the less likely change will occur. Yes, I am trying to convince myself the new gf won't get something better then I did. Thanks
never say never, but I think you get the gist.
For him to get better the very first obstacle is he would want to. Ha
Then it would be years of therapy.
Trust me, she is on the road to misery. She will be getting the same wonderful treatment you got at first. She will never know he is an abuser till he has her totally hooked. Only then, will he start the bad abuse.
At least the relationship was a learning experience for you, and hopefully you will remember to look for red flags next time.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The honeymoon, with very minor red flags, lasted almost two years. I guess that's possible. During that period though his life was relatively "stress free." We hadn't moved onto the farm and his day was comprised of playing on the internet with a little work here and there. I didn't really see bad behavior until he was under stress. If there is a correlation that doesn't fare well for the new girl. He is most definitely under a lot of stress now. Lots of horses to take care of and he doesn't really know enough to do that properly, plus I think the farm is becoming a financial drain. As I always told him, people don't go into this business to get rich, they do it for the love of horses. But, of course, as he constantly reminded me, he is a business person and he is able to see all kinds of potential to make money. Good luck to him. On the other hand, if and when it goes down the tubes, it will undoubtedly be all my fault for leaving him. I really hope folks can piece the puzzle together and question why I, as the horse person, would no longer still be there. Ugh again.
But its about me. I can't worry what others may think. This board and all of its wonderful people are really helping with my progress. I can't thank everyone enough!
I was 29 when I met my ex. He was 42.
In hindsight, I know he choose me because I was young and easily impressionable. I have a degree in a field related to his. I was admired him because he stuck with what he loved although his income wasn't great. I, on the other hand, formed a business and decided to make money. I always looked down on myself for that, nevermind that I had been homeless at one point and paid my way through college. The feeling of being broke, and not knowing how I was going to eat, has never really left me. I look back on it now, and it is no great mystery why I chose to make money. However, I already saw myself has weak morally, as 'less than' because I did not follow my heart. He could sense this in me....
I am 100% sure he chose me because he felt he could control me, he used his age, experience and doing something I admired as a way to hook me in. It took me years to understand what he was doing to me, and honestly it wasn't until last year, after almost 5 years of being together, that the word 'abuse' came to me... I have a feeling your ex is doing the exact same thing to her....
She is young and naive to the ways of this man. The age difference alone means he has 24 more years of experience manipulating people than she does... Even if she was a master manipulater herself. She isn't going to get anything better than you did. In fact, it will probably be worse because she is so inexperienced...
Your ex is probably kicking himself right now that he got involved with such an educated and smart woman! Now he has to pay legal fees and be held accountable for his actions! Poor him!
I am guessing this girl is just a flash in the pan, if she does stick around it is because she is easily controllable. My next guess would be that he will move on to someone who has means and assets to help him regain financial security.
It is all about them! Now it is time to make it all about YOU! :)
With love sent your way!!
wrote with great insight:
"""For him to get better the very first obstacle is he would want to. Ha! Then it would be years of therapy.""""""""""
I'd have to add, regarding therapy, that
[A] It would have to be a therapist
whose specialty was abusers
and
[B] It would take a specialist with
the highest degree of competency
and
[C] Even with the most highly
competent specialist in the world,
and an abuser who really, REALLY
wanted to become a non-abuser
and worked as hard as he (or she)
could for years and years and years. . . . .
the probability of that happening
would be slim. . . . . . . to. . . . . .
a snowball's chance in hell.
The new girlfriend was chosen
carefully as his:
NEXT VICTIM.
Consider yourself
EMANCIPATED!!!!!!!!!
From what I can see about her, she is too. She is a physical therapist that does volunteer therapy work and has spoken on the internet about it.
Perhaps they are looking for the compassion and empathy they lack, aside from the fact that these types are easy prey.
And she is 16 years younger....I'm sure he finds that helpful as well.
Thanks again!!
But after he retired, the kids left the house, his outward behavior did change and is now mostly carefree and enjoyable. So even though he still may be an abuser inside, the stress of life brought it to the surface when he was younger. But bear in mind many other people have the same or greater stress and don't act that way. Stress does not cause abuse.
My second example is my current situation. I know that external stress increases her abuse of me and of others. But once again, most other people that face the same stress don't act like her. But even when there is nothing stressing her, she still finds something to worry about, and the abuse continues. The stress and her emotions are normal, her reactions to that stress are what is flawed.
But, her rude treatment of me has almost completely ceased the past two months because she has been depressed and suicidal. She spent ten days in the hospital, was diagnosed bipolar (and borderline personality), and was put on strong medication. She will go through extensive outpatient therapy that involves behavioral training 3 days a weeks for several weeks. This in addition to psychiatrist appointments two days a week from now until probably forever.
Will she change? I don't know. But I do know she has no chance of changing without this kind of therapy and medication. But she has been in hospitals and gone through intensive therapy many times before, so logic says this time will be no different.
Will your ex change? Very, very, slim chance. Seeing a therapist a few times won't do it. Reducing stress won't do it. A new girlfriend won't do it. Age won't do it. Changing ones abusive behavior is a long, intensive process that even if followed to the letter STILL has a slim chance of working.
It wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it. Repeat that to yourself until you truly believe it. She won't get better than you got because it wasn't about you, it was about him. And he's still there, no matter who he's with.