Eh ... doubt it. Somehow the concept of insight and an abuser do not go hand in hand. Funny tho! (Oh, and either way, it was probably true!)

Are you kidding me. All my conversations with my X were through the dog. That is why I laughed when I found out him and his GF got a dog. I said well he needs a mean to communicate with her now.

Woof Woof!

That is hilarious! So like an abusive narcissist to attempt to circumvent the law. After all, it doesn't really apply to them, does it? He gets points for creativity but loses them for breaking the law.

@Tame...WOOF WOOF....what a howl! LOL

Good article. Tx

Her cat should have pissed on them,and then sent them back! meow. :0)

Wow... reminds me of my H. Sadly, I know when I leave this time I'm going to have to leave the state. There is no end to his "creative" ways of getting at me. He'll start with character assassinations to everyone he knows, we've known and especially I've known, then once the rage wears off, he'll move to obsessing phone calls, calling neighbors, friends, and I have no doubt when that doesn't work... I'm anticipating getting to me through my young adult kids.

When we were first married and split in the first year, he actually called my priest to tell him what an awful person I was - he barely knew my priest and he hardly attended my church, but it didn't stop him from sharing all the ugly details, the way he saw it. Then there were my long time neighbors and friends (of mine) he harassed with endless phone calls and crying on the phone to them trying to get them to talk to me... there was no end to his shaming. I was so embarrassed and beaten down that just to get him to stop I went back when he promised to "start over".

Years later, I don't have any friends, I don't go to church, I don't work, and I barely have a relationship with my kids. I used to wonder why this was happening... it was until recently, when I made up my mind to get out, that I realized (probably unconsciously) that I was doing this on purpose - that is, cutting all ties with everyone, because when I leave, I literally feel like I need to assume a new identity!

This is my first time ever really leaving my ex and I am not looking forward to the if or when he might try to contact me. LOL though at this creep really thinking he slick??? Amazing at how stuck on themselves they are

I'm not sure how stuck on themselves they are... for me, what I know for sure is that my H NEEDS me to maintain this false front to everyone and "stay in control". I've seen him so anxious and so desperate to get me back, he starts obsessing with nothing short of pure panic. I used to think that "showing" these intense emotions was some kind of insight on his part. I know now I was wrong. It's all about his self control, nothing more, nothing less. If I leave him he will fall apart... I know that, and I think he knows that. I also know for sure, I can't be around to be apart of it in any way.

Just writing this, I feel this sick part of me that wants to protect him, not leave, so he doesn't have to go through this. It's similar to the feeling you have with your kids... when they're disappointed or hurt, you feel it and want to make them feel better. This is the part where I get confused... isn't that unconditional love, or some sick attachment on my part?

Ugh! I need more counseling.

Hi Clumber ----

You wrote:

It's similar to the feeling you have with your kids... when they're disappointed or hurt, you feel it and want to make them feel better.


Clumber . . . . . . . an abusive intimate partner is emphatically
NOT !!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the same
relationship as an innocent child.

And further . . . .

no one is saying you can't feel unconditional love for ANYONE.

But feeling unconditional love for an abusive intimate partner
doesn't mean that you have to BE with, doesn't meant that
you have to STAY with a partner who's abused you in the
past and will most assuredly abuse you again if you stay.
You can feel compassion for, you can feel unconditional
love for that abusive partner. But you DON'T HAVE TO
STAY WITH AN ABUSIVE PARTNER. Hold all that
compassion and unconditionl love you feel in your
heart for them, in your heart, as you wave goodbye.

Further, if ----- feeling unconditional love REQUIRES you
to be with, to stay with an abusive partner ------- then you
will be practicing the ultimate disrespect and abuse
upon YOURSELF. What about the love and respect
you need to be feeling for YOURSELF. What kind of
respect will you be showing yourself by staying with
an abusive "partner."

And last of all . . . . . .

ABUSE BREAKS THE CONTRACT.

Whatever vows, formal or informal, or simply "understood"
that you exchanged with an intimate partner ----- all those
vows become NULL and VOID when one of the partners
perpetrates
acts of
emotional
sexual
or physical violence
upon their partner or spouse
. . . . the partner or spouse
to whom they swore
the finest
purest
most fundamental and enduring
of manner of love.

Are you still confused?

ABUSE BREAKS THE CONTRACT.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ABUSE BREAKS THE CONTRACT
ABUSE BREAKS THE CONTRACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks llene... From the very beginning, what he was doing was a deal breaker... which always left me feeling like we were never really married. That's still a lingering conviction I stick to this day. I've never "felt" married... and I keep saying to him, "we aren't married, we never were". We had the ceremony, we had the honeymoon, and we've had so many opportunities to live a very happy and abundant life - together. But, he can't/won't see that, and truthfully, he sabotages every one of those opportunities.

I think coming to that conclusion, "some part of me wants to protect him from my pain" is at the heart of my issues with just about everything. Perhaps, it triggers in me my own feelings of anxiety and panic when someone is hurting and leaving. My past traumas would certainly affirm that.

Running around and protecting everyone from pain is pretty much my MO. So this is really about me and not him. I really need to work on this...

Thanks so much for the clarity.