From when he decided he wanted one to when we found out he was perfect and I took my chance to be emotionally abusive myself after months of suffering his. His constant physical abuse was never OK but neither was any of this. I wanted him to get the book thrown at him in court and now I just want to break no contact and help all I can. What is wrong with me?

"It took me more than four times to realize that every time I went back it just allowed him to repeat what he had done before." That is what you wrote before. There is a saying "if nothing changes, nothing changes."
So sorry Liverpool. I had a terrible time this morning, but I realized that growth comes out of all this pain. I have faith in you! Have you done Ilene's index card exercise? Write out the memories of all that abuse you suffered. It will help you to stay strong. There is nothing wrong with the feelings you have. This is a result of all of the abuse...believe me, it is. Things will get soooo much better! ((hugs))

I am so sorry you are going through this and I can say I know what you are going through. Right now emotions are very high and although you can make your choices about the pregnancy, your doubt will go away once you get through the pain and understand you did the best for you at the time. DONT" WORRY... Life can get better, just make the right choices to get there. U will never forget, but you will move on in time. Let go of this time in your life and build the future you desire in your heart. This man should not be in your life at all.... Sending you all the hugs and comfort that I can....please accept them and feel warm and loved.

Last night was bad. I'm happy to say I'm in one of my moments of clarity right now.

rosiekins, thank you for reminding me of what I said. When I read my conversations with him I forget that he had slowly replaced some of his emotional abuse with physical abuse, which is obviously not something that shows up in those conversations. I'm glad you are feeling better; sometimes mornings are harder for me, sometimes evenings. I started her exercise but I gave up when things felt good again. I really need to follow through. Thank you for telling me it isn't wrong to feel the way I do. That's probably the most powerful thing I have taken away from so many responses to my posts here, hearing it over and over is much needed for me.

butterfly, thank you... it makes me feel so much less alone when there are people who tell me they understand what I am going through. You are right, my emotions do run high; I didn't have doubts when I did it because it was the medical recommendation. Unlike him, I couldn't handle waiting until 18 weeks to find out for sure that something was wrong with the baby (the odds were overwhelming that there would have been.) I also knew I still loved my husband more than this man. That was NOT a reason for doing it, but it should have lessened the pain. I am not sure why the pain is so heavy now... maybe it's because I have to accept he and I will never have a family now, I will never have his child, which rationally I know is a good thing. I'm trying to be happy that we are no contact. The highs with this man were just SO high and the lows were SO low.

Thank you for the hugs. I broke down and cried (in a positive way) when I read that line. Amazing how someone who claimed to love me could abuse me but a stranger could make me feel loved.

So glad you have some clarity.
Isn't it funny...we are strangers but yet not. We are also family, we know what we are going through more than anyone! We are or have been on the crazy train!

((hugs))